I was so tired, but so happy, now i’m just so tired

[Whereisthegrassasgreen]

When Dd was smaller and I was fortunate enough to be with her until school at 5. I just loved the life so much, all the friends meet ups, the days out, the baking and crafts at home, the little shows and sitting cuddled up.
She’s now 7, i’m back at work, life doesn’t have anywhere near the same fulfilment or happiness

Was that the best it could get, I got five years of my perfect life, god I miss it so much

Teenagers are amazing, but particularly older teens. These rounded and interesting young adults with their own expertise (in area you didn’t teach them), their own hobbies (that you wouldn’t even have thought of), their own unique and fully rounded skills. It’s amazing. They still come to you for help and advice and you will always be their “safe person” but they are so rich and deep and fully formed.

I love my children a lot but god I couldn’t wait for them to start full time school. I’m a good mum but not very good at make believe play etc, so that was a chore for me. My favourite times were probably from about age 7 onwards, when they were becoming much more reasonable. They’re in their 20s now and it’s been pretty near perfect since. The older they got the more I liked parenting. Worst bit is the worry for their wellbeing doesn’t stop at any age.

Have you posted about this before op?
if not there was a very similar thread a while back
might be worth having a look for it as they sounded very similar to you

I know how you feel. I had 7 wonderful years as a SAHM. I now have a 14 and 12 year old. Trying to work around their needs/clubs/revision is shit. Teens are expensive and I am constantly worried about money these days. Life is pretty shit to be honest and I’m glad when each day is over. Wish I could go back in time.

That's so lovely to read op

Not to piss in your cornflakes but at 4 months she's just about ready to hit the first major sleep regression. If she does, I'm sure you'll have moments of understanding why some people, in the depths of despair, might rant about wishing they could return to work. It doesn't mean their child doesn't bring them happiness, it just means that things get hard sometimes and it's difficult to see past it when you're hideously sleep deprived. At 4 months in to what sounds like your first rodeo, there's plenty of time for you to have those thoughts.

Did you like your life before having your dd? I wonder if you're a bit depressed- a few sessions with an existential psychotherapist might help you figure out how to enjoy and find more meaning in the non- motherhood parts of your life? I often feel guilty about feeling the opposite to you (similar to a pp in happier the older my kids get, i love my job and dont enjoy the baby/toddler stage) so perhaps there's no escaping some type of negative emotion in the motherhood journey

You couldn’t pay me enough to repeat that time. Having a balance between working and spending quality time with my child worked much better for me. But, I loved my job so that helped.

Whereas I used mat leave as an opportunity to get some additional professional quals and start a business which enabled me to work FT while DH worked away 5 days a week. When DD was 18 months he came home and I went back to work FT. Both of our jobs involve travel but at least one of us is always here and DD learned early that mums don’t have to be the default parent/housekeeper. I wouldn’t ever have become a SAHM: my own mother went back to work within a month of me being born and is still working (a choice) well past retirement age.

DD is now 15 and we’ve had some amazing holidays because my income has continued to grow over those years. I have more in pensions than my DH and she can access extra curricular activities freely - which as an only child means she has strong connections with kids of all shapes and colours and sizes. She has a level of resilience from not having everything done for her, appreciates the need to work hard and undertake chores and we all prioritise our time together despite all the various demands and challenges we have.

Every age brings its own joy, @Whereisthegrassasgreen. I am sure you will find it again.

I loved my curious, funny, baffling, frustrating, cuddly toddlers. But glad I went back to work for a rest. Primary years have been tiring (activities! Intense friendships! Other parents!).

But secondary school age is fun. Again, infuriating anf frustrating (yes you have tk wear shoes every day) but they are funny amd I enjoy hanging out with them and talking about all sorts with them.

I hadn't anticipated teenage years to have fun. I appreciate i am not through the exam years yet, there's plenty hard times to come I am sure. But I enjoy them this age. Different to pre school, good in it's own way.

Sitting in the car with your teenager crying because you're laughing so much at the funny stories they are telling you. Listening to them actually have an incredibly intelligent opinion that they can back up.
Travelling to amazing places with them and they are actually old enough to take it in and appreciate the wonder of the world.

There is so many other good times ahead. You built a very close bond, it only grows through the tiredness.

Well yes, most people enjoy not having to work for money.

I always say the work bit is easy, it’s the running, the rushing, getting everything ready, being so exhausted that I don’t properly do homework with the kids, I don’t have the chats I’d love to, baking etc is gone out the window as my days off are spent trying to get the house into some form of normalcy.

Saying that I know dh appreciates not being the sole bread earner, I appreciate the wage packet and the kids appreciate my days off and so me more. Hugs op, it’s all hard

I like being with one toddler (mostly, although we’ve hit a tricky stage at the moment)

I didn’t / don’t enjoy having two of them

I hate it when people tell me I’ll miss it though and this is kind of the same. It may well be that the OPs ‘best’ years were those years. I don’t mean nothing good will come later, just that she is allowed to miss it!

Me too!

I have older teens, and have found much to enjoy at every age (except newborns!). But the golden, halcyon days were beyond a doubt the preschool and early primary years. There is a genuine magic about that age which is never recaptured - unless they have grandchildren, perhaps!

I love being a mum to teens. Mine are just glorious human beings and it's loads of fun. I love the adventures we have following their interests, I love spending time with them and seeing them having all sorts of adventures

I loved the toddler/preschool years too but I have genuinely loved every age and stage of being a mum

I remember dreading going back to work after having kids. But I found I appreciated time with them more

I was exactly where you are now. My whole life had changed and it was definitely for the better despite sleep deprivation etc. The thought of going back to work sent shudders down my spine. She's now 2.5 and we both need me to go back. The only problem is that I'm going back to work but she's still my first priority. Not sure how I'll manage the two as I found work stressful enough before her arrival! But I do need to go back to the adult world as you will want to. There's only so much painting and imaginative play any person can do on a daily basis before cracking up! 😬 4 months is the sweetest spot. Enjoy it!

All of this and more!

It is a privilege to raise children.

Op - if anything, teenagers need you more.

She's 7? You have so much fun ahead! Travelling. City trips with kids are great, you get to go to all the museums. Watching her becoming more adventurous trying new food. Theatre trips. At home your art, craft and cooking activities can go to a higher level. Read the good books together - Harry Potter etc. Don't focus on what you are no longer doing, but what you are currently able to do.

It sounds like you had a wonderful time and you are will have plenty more. It's a big moment of change but it will pass and there will be a new normal.
Not directed at you OP but these threads annoy me when people talk about making 'sacrifices'. You do realise that for a huge amount of people that's just normal life? We didn't make any 'sacrifices' because we had none to make. No holidays anyway, always had a shit car, never ate out etc. Yet still both working full time (I went back when my children were 8 months old) to keep a roof over our head and future job security.
Lots of people would love to choose playgroups and coffee dates and baking and afternoon naps together over work but it's not a choice they have.

Theres so so much to be looking forward to. I have loved every stage with my children, from starting primary and seeing them grow, to having teens and enjoying spending times with these funny, clever people. I have two young adults now as well as a primary school aged child and I'm loving it. I go to gigs, trips, nights away with my adult kids, I'm seeing them loving uni life and training for a career. They aren't always home as much as they have partners and friends but I love the time we do spend together. I also get to spend time with my youngest whether that's trips out or just doing activities together. My favourite is when they are all home, the other night we had my older two round with their partners, my youngest with their friend and I enjoyed the noise and the laughter.

I'm also enjoying where I am in life. I work part time on a job that I love doing, and I'm developing my role. I go out with friends and away for the weekend etc. Life is good.

What else is there to look forward to? It’s true that you might not ever go back to the physical and emotional intimacy and dependency of those early years (which I hated, personally but I can see why a mother might have enjoyed them). But she will grow into a person who will surprise you: she will grow in her own direction and it’s just wonderful to see. She will talk about her friends and her hobbies and things she’s learned, about school this and gymnastics that. She will express preferences and firm objections. She find funny things that you don’t. She will struggle with situations and her problems will grow and you’ll watch her learn to cope. There will come a time when a kiss and cuddle won’t even touch the sides (and she might push you away anyway), and you’ll have to change your methods to give her new things that she needs. It’s a different type of intimacy, if you do it right.

Your role is to have her be fully independent by the time she leaves you, but to ideally want to keep coming back for your company and figurative loving embrace. I strongly object to the pp who said you’ll look at her aged 18 and say “I did this”: no. You want to look at her at 18 or 21 or whenever and feel amazed that she did this. You just helped nurture the best parts and trim back the worst, that’s all.

Those cosy years don’t last long at all. Maybe you have a couple more before she starts emerging as a person. But they were always going to end. And that’s right, actually, for both of you. Don’t look back with regret. Those years are best left where they are. Look forward with curiosity about who she’s going to be.