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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think a twin parent should contribute per child?

579 replies

TheMumEdit · 26/05/2026 17:09

Interested in how other people approach. We do a group collection for the school teacher every year. Another mum and I tend to take turns. Offered out to the rest but oddly no one else wants a turn! . We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed. . Two mums in the year have twins. One mum pays per child (so £20) and the other pays £10 total so £5 per child.

I’ve never really thought about it but the other mum that’s turn it is think we should say we’ve only received one contribution. The more I think about it the more I thinks she a bit cheeky but after 6 years don’t see the point in saying now. This mum is quite well off (one a Dr and one equal in terms of salary) whilst most other parents are on much lower salaries.

AIBU: don’t say
YANBU Say gives more money 😉

OP posts:
Parker231 · 28/05/2026 06:47

TheMumEdit · 27/05/2026 16:18

Those who gave their comments in a constructive way, thank you. Unsurprisingly, those you disagree resorted to nastiness.

The set amount was for fairness and if you don’t agree then don’t do it that way yourself. It’s not dictated and people can opt out.

It’s for the policing by certain parents that DT’s school said no teachers gifts.

Casperroonie · 28/05/2026 07:16

TheMumEdit · 26/05/2026 17:09

Interested in how other people approach. We do a group collection for the school teacher every year. Another mum and I tend to take turns. Offered out to the rest but oddly no one else wants a turn! . We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed. . Two mums in the year have twins. One mum pays per child (so £20) and the other pays £10 total so £5 per child.

I’ve never really thought about it but the other mum that’s turn it is think we should say we’ve only received one contribution. The more I think about it the more I thinks she a bit cheeky but after 6 years don’t see the point in saying now. This mum is quite well off (one a Dr and one equal in terms of salary) whilst most other parents are on much lower salaries.

AIBU: don’t say
YANBU Say gives more money 😉

I thinknits unreasonable to demand an exact amount. It is not a must to give anything and no one knows what their money situation is, whatever their jobs are. I should think paying for twins is extortionate.

It's wrong to expect any set amount, it should be up to the parents.

Serenissimissima · 28/05/2026 07:16

Plum02 · 28/05/2026 04:00

You sound very petty. From your update it sounds like it’s an issue because she’s “braggy” and “isn’t popular”. It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder and are jealous of this other mum.

Anyone who cares enough what another parent contributes to a teacher gift, to a) discuss it with other parents and b) start a thread about it, really needs to get a life.

Collecting the money on behalf of the class is supposed to be a helpful organisation task not a way of policiing contributions. All parents should contribute what they feel comfortable with not be dictated to, pressured or bitched about by another parent in order to have their child’s name on the card.

I’m sure the teacher is grateful for any contribution, large or small and nobody knows someone else’s financial situation.

Show quote history

This.
And disagreeing with you does not make other people trolls.

polarbert · 28/05/2026 07:18

Bookbears · 27/05/2026 22:41

Of course they are being taken advantage of, everyone else is paying double the twin mum is for the same gift. After several years of it, it adds up to a considerable amount of money saved. This doesn’t seem to be a ‘contribute what you want’ type of collection. It appears to be a set collection where everyone has agreed to put in £10 per child. This woman has purposely put in £10 for 2 children knowing that no one is going to say anything. That’s taking advantage and taking the piss out of all the other parents. It’s like going to a restaurant, ordering the set menu for a specific price and then paying half at the end. - over the top example I know, but the principle is the same.

If I was the OP, I would just speak to the mum in private and say it’s £10 per child, if you don’t want to pay another £10 that’s fine, send the money back to her and let her get something separately.

I’m sure she is also the type of parent that attends parties that both her children have been paid for to attend by the host and hands over one gift, but in return expects her kids to get a gift each because she doesn’t like them being known as ‘the twins’, but seperate people (when it suits). It’s exhausting dealing with cheeky people like that for years on end. I know someone who has twin toddlers, we both go to a toddler group - she pays for one because ‘they are twins’, I still have to pay for my 2 individually because they didn’t come out my vagina at the same time. They both take up the same amount of space and resources but I’m paying double for the exact same experience. People aren’t owed anything because they have twins, although it seems some think they are. Thankfully this thread has a lot of nice people who don’t shy away from their responsibilities.

Show quote history

You really like saying vagina don't you? In case you don't understand how it works, twins don't exit the vagina at the same time either.

You seem to have a real issue with the twin parent(s) you know and it's clouding your judgement. This is not as big of a deal as you think it is.

Supermansleftnipple · 28/05/2026 07:22

TheMumEdit · 26/05/2026 19:11

Many thanks for all your comments . Good to see I have kept the trolls busy ☺️

The amount wasn’t set by me but no one has complained. I’ll have £30 to spend over all age groups. As I said originally I share the collection for this year group and it’s the other mums turn this year. She received the money from parent in question last night hence her asking me my thoughts. I doubt she will actually say to her but it’s hit a nerve.

The twin mum isn’t popular within the group which seems to be as she’s braggy but I don’t speak much to her as she has girls so not much cross over. Seems she’s braggy but not generous in reality 🫣 Although from Mumsnet seems twin mums seem triggered anyway. Having two 12 months apart wasn’t cheap but I’m not reducing my contribution to their teacher as I feel hard down by!

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It says a lot about you that you've read all of these comments and somehow believe you've only been criticised by trolls. 🤦‍♀️

Berkeleysquare128 · 28/05/2026 08:11

Pigeonpoodle · 28/05/2026 06:13

Only on MN could someone seriously say doctors’ pay is “awful”. Unless they are a junior doctor, the pay will generally be a minimum of £60k, and often a lot higher.

It may not be as much as your multi-six-figure DH’s salary, but in the real world, £60k+ is well above average.

PS I earn above this so I’m not posting out of jealousy.

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Junior doctors are everything up to consultant level, which can take 10+ years to reach, so yes, the majority are on a lot less, I can assure you!

Parker231 · 28/05/2026 08:12

Bookbears · 27/05/2026 22:41

Of course they are being taken advantage of, everyone else is paying double the twin mum is for the same gift. After several years of it, it adds up to a considerable amount of money saved. This doesn’t seem to be a ‘contribute what you want’ type of collection. It appears to be a set collection where everyone has agreed to put in £10 per child. This woman has purposely put in £10 for 2 children knowing that no one is going to say anything. That’s taking advantage and taking the piss out of all the other parents. It’s like going to a restaurant, ordering the set menu for a specific price and then paying half at the end. - over the top example I know, but the principle is the same.

If I was the OP, I would just speak to the mum in private and say it’s £10 per child, if you don’t want to pay another £10 that’s fine, send the money back to her and let her get something separately.

I’m sure she is also the type of parent that attends parties that both her children have been paid for to attend by the host and hands over one gift, but in return expects her kids to get a gift each because she doesn’t like them being known as ‘the twins’, but seperate people (when it suits). It’s exhausting dealing with cheeky people like that for years on end. I know someone who has twin toddlers, we both go to a toddler group - she pays for one because ‘they are twins’, I still have to pay for my 2 individually because they didn’t come out my vagina at the same time. They both take up the same amount of space and resources but I’m paying double for the exact same experience. People aren’t owed anything because they have twins, although it seems some think they are. Thankfully this thread has a lot of nice people who don’t shy away from their responsibilities.

Show quote history

It’s not up to another parent to tell someone else how much they should contribute. Collections are voluntary - you don’t have to give anything. You can opt in or out whenever you want.

SuperSue77 · 28/05/2026 08:21

polarbert · 28/05/2026 07:18

You really like saying vagina don't you? In case you don't understand how it works, twins don't exit the vagina at the same time either.

You seem to have a real issue with the twin parent(s) you know and it's clouding your judgement. This is not as big of a deal as you think it is.

Show quote history

Agree about ‘exiting the vagina’ - my twins were born on different days and have different star signs! Both born at one sitting though, so to speak!

polarbert · 28/05/2026 08:25

SuperSue77 · 28/05/2026 08:21

Agree about ‘exiting the vagina’ - my twins were born on different days and have different star signs! Both born at one sitting though, so to speak!

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That's actually very cool!

AlternateLook · 28/05/2026 08:28

Bookbears · 27/05/2026 22:41

Of course they are being taken advantage of, everyone else is paying double the twin mum is for the same gift. After several years of it, it adds up to a considerable amount of money saved. This doesn’t seem to be a ‘contribute what you want’ type of collection. It appears to be a set collection where everyone has agreed to put in £10 per child. This woman has purposely put in £10 for 2 children knowing that no one is going to say anything. That’s taking advantage and taking the piss out of all the other parents. It’s like going to a restaurant, ordering the set menu for a specific price and then paying half at the end. - over the top example I know, but the principle is the same.

If I was the OP, I would just speak to the mum in private and say it’s £10 per child, if you don’t want to pay another £10 that’s fine, send the money back to her and let her get something separately.

I’m sure she is also the type of parent that attends parties that both her children have been paid for to attend by the host and hands over one gift, but in return expects her kids to get a gift each because she doesn’t like them being known as ‘the twins’, but seperate people (when it suits). It’s exhausting dealing with cheeky people like that for years on end. I know someone who has twin toddlers, we both go to a toddler group - she pays for one because ‘they are twins’, I still have to pay for my 2 individually because they didn’t come out my vagina at the same time. They both take up the same amount of space and resources but I’m paying double for the exact same experience. People aren’t owed anything because they have twins, although it seems some think they are. Thankfully this thread has a lot of nice people who don’t shy away from their responsibilities.

Show quote history

Contributions are voluntary, ffs, and you put in what you can. Are you Hyacinth Bucket?

Serenissimissima · 28/05/2026 08:34

Ifihadlegs · 28/05/2026 06:21

Your twins were at a thoroughly crap school @Serenissimissima . Was this literally the only one available to you?

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They were in an 80-pupil CoE school in a very privileged corner of the Test Valley. The school was regularly in the top 10 nationally for SATS because by the time Y4 arrived most moved to prep and there would only be a handful of diligent girls left working on 11+. The school's results boosted everyone's house values so it became a conspiracy of silence that no-one wanted to say aloud that it was actually pretty lazy and complacent, teaching precisely to the SATS requirement and not an inch beyond. So yes, we had a choice and exercised this by moving them to prep at 8.

RedToothBrush · 28/05/2026 08:38

Cycleaway · 27/05/2026 21:32

I remember being nominated (/forced)to do the collection for my DC class. For various reasons not all of the families in the class contributed, and I think that’s fine, because it’s a personal decision
The issue I had was the parents who had calculated what the total donations should have amounted to, then told me how I should allocate it amongst the teacher and TA. I didn’t feel it was right to disclose what people had decided to dontate, and ended up raiding my garden to make bouquets of flowers to try and eek the money out a bit further. I didn’t organise the collection ever again because it was an absolute nightmare. People are very quick to provide an opinion on what should happen, so long as they don’t have to implement it, so personally I’d suggest handing the twin issue over to the parent who has raised the issue

No one is forced to do the collection. Even if nominated. The word is No.

RedToothBrush · 28/05/2026 08:40

Acheyelbows · 27/05/2026 21:43

What a pile on, it sounded like a genuine question. Teachers don't expect or demand gifts. If they contribute, put their name on the card, if they choose not to then don't. Teachers are not going to list off the names of the kids who have signed or not. They thank everyone and accept anything, hand made cards, drawn pictures, mugs etc. It is unnecessary but appreciated. If families can't afford it, then don't do it.

If people don't want to step up, just go it alone next year. Get your own small gift if you choose to.

Be mindful that some people who volunteer to collect aren't always trustworthy. Asking for a pic of the voucher or card/gift in the chat can help with that as having parents taken advantage of in the name of the teacher is maddening. Obviously the poster here is unequivocally fair as they are asking this question about fairness.

One of the reasons I won't contribute to the class collection is because the parent who does it is always on the grift and I suspect she takes some of the money and keeps it for herself whilst buying everything on the cheap with vouchers.

RedToothBrush · 28/05/2026 08:44

LalaPaloosa2024 · 27/05/2026 22:33

We are forced to put in £70 per child. £20 is looking pretty reasonable to me.

Someone held a gun to your head and threatened your children?

Wow. I wouldn't send my child to that school.

MyMilchick · 28/05/2026 08:47

God i hated these collections for teachers at school. You have no right to demand any parent pays anything

RedToothBrush · 28/05/2026 08:50

Berkeleysquare128 · 28/05/2026 08:11

Junior doctors are everything up to consultant level, which can take 10+ years to reach, so yes, the majority are on a lot less, I can assure you!

Show quote history

It's still not 'terrible' pay though.

Genevieva · 28/05/2026 08:51

I am a teacher and I hate the teacher gift Nazis. I’d far rather receive a card signed by the pupils I teach or their parents than a gift. I still have a homemade Christmas decoration a little girl made for me 20 years ago. Is £10 across a class of 30? £300 is excessive. Even if split with a teaching assistant it is excessive. Not all families can afford to give £10 easily.

Parker231 · 28/05/2026 09:04

MyDuvetDay · 27/05/2026 21:47

I’m a class rep for my DC’s class so I’m responsible for collecting contributions for the teacher’s gifts. I suggest an amount for each parent to pay but it’s always optional/discretionary. If someone didn’t pay or paid less than the suggested amount, that’s fine. If there were any twin parents in the class, I would give them a break - they have a lot to deal with

What is a class rep? Something I’ve only heard mentioned on Mn. Why would you suggest an amount to be contributed - can you not let people make their own decisions?

Parker231 · 28/05/2026 09:06

Genevieva · 28/05/2026 08:51

I am a teacher and I hate the teacher gift Nazis. I’d far rather receive a card signed by the pupils I teach or their parents than a gift. I still have a homemade Christmas decoration a little girl made for me 20 years ago. Is £10 across a class of 30? £300 is excessive. Even if split with a teaching assistant it is excessive. Not all families can afford to give £10 easily.

I would be surprised schools would allow teachers to accept high value gifts. Where I’ve been a governor this would fall under bribery rules.

Parker231 · 28/05/2026 09:08

LalaPaloosa2024 · 27/05/2026 22:33

We are forced to put in £70 per child. £20 is looking pretty reasonable to me.

You are not forced to contribute £70. You have chosen to.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 28/05/2026 09:15

We used to "suggest" an amount, but the box was sealed so noone knew what any individual contributed.

OttersOnAPlane · 28/05/2026 09:22

You clearly dislike this woman. Who cares if she's contributing per family or per child? It's voluntary.

AlternateLook · 28/05/2026 09:28

Parker231 · 28/05/2026 09:04

What is a class rep? Something I’ve only heard mentioned on Mn. Why would you suggest an amount to be contributed - can you not let people make their own decisions?

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A Class Rep? I swear this country and this forum's getting worse if that's possible. What next, a whip round for your boss at work?

Parker231 · 28/05/2026 09:29

Reallyneedsaholiday · 28/05/2026 09:15

We used to "suggest" an amount, but the box was sealed so noone knew what any individual contributed.

If it’s a voluntary contribution why would you suggest an amount?

Ifihadlegs · 28/05/2026 09:29

AlternateLook · 28/05/2026 09:28

A Class Rep? I swear this country and this forum's getting worse if that's possible. What next, a whip round for your boss at work?

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A calm down!

Surely this thread has demonstrated how the vast majority think this is all a nasty hullabaloo. Certainly not my experience of school collections