Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

And the sister getting it immediately while OP did not, is the difference between someone who has ADHD and someone who does not.

Huge hugs to both you and your husband OP. I'm sure you will be giving him those hugs yourself and saying the biggest of sorrys to him when you have the chance.

I can't believe the poisonous comments on this post. Accusations that the OP "knew exactly what she was doing" are highly ignorant and make me fear for my children's future. There are far more helpful stances to take on neurodevelopmental differences which everyone stands to benefit from.

I live with 3 ND people - DH, and both DDs - and sometimes things happen which no one intends but are very difficult to live with, particularly at times when I have my own shit to deal with such as caring for my parents, bereavement and recurrent miscarriage. Ultimately we stick together by focussing on the strengths we each have, and the ways these make us a beautifully unique family.

You didn't do anything on purpose OP, and one sticky moment doesn't take away from support you - and only you - give him during what comes next. Chin up, he needs you xxx

Imagine you had a condition that made you act in ways beyond your control, that made people think you were just thoughtless. How would you even begin to address the fact that people dismiss your difficulties because it’s too hard for them to try to understand and so they prefer to label you as thoughtless.

The responses to this post shows just how little understanding and empathy there is for ADHD. Luckily my partner knows my soul and knows I would never intentionally hurt him even know my mouth blurts out things before my brain has engaged. It’s one of the worst parts of this condition, people misinterpreting and judging you for being mean and thoughtless when you are anything but, op will be feeling awful now. If this happened with my partner he would be upset but he knows I would never hurt him so would forgive very quickly,

I don't need to imagine

I am autistic with ADHD (audhd)
I have had countless hours of therapy and medication and a lot of time to self teach

What an ignorant thing to say. NT enough to write something? Can you know see that writing is totally different from speaking?

The problem is from other people's perspective you are what you do. People can't read your mind and often won't be sure what your motivations are. It's easiest to make decisions on who we want around us by their behaviour.

I get that this sucks for people with limited control over their behaviour.

My partner had ADHD and while he doesn’t blurt things like this out, he is often just very blunt. However, being an adult he knows this isn’t something he can just do, and makes efforts to think before he speaks. I’m afraid OP, having adhd isn’t an excuse to simply take no accountability for your actions. You need to engage your brain, especially if you’re aware you have tendencies that can impact people around you. I speak as someone with their own neurodivergencies who also has to be self aware at all times. It’s exhausting but it’s necessary in order to be considerate to the people around you.

My adult son has ASD and ADHD. I still expect him to have some thought for others and he knows he can't go through life annoying and upsetting others. It's important because, to put it bluntly, he would be terribly upset if it happened to him. He's had to learn that others also have feelings, to empathise and to try to engage brain before opening mouth.

Nobody is going to send her a message on her phone from the hospital to say her mil was dead. They’d inform him first as next of kin and not by her text. He's stupid. Overreacting and illogical.

AI reply.

But in that second her DH wasn’t behaving rationally. He heard his mothers name and died in the same sentence and of course he isn’t going to assume it’s Judith Chalmers, he is going to think the worst as he’s already stressed and anxious

And if she was in the habit of discussing Judith by her first name with the person on the other end of the phone, it’s not odd. She might have to use a surname for other people but it was a shared interest. Just as my pals and I talked about Davy.

how many Davys are there? But we all knew who we meant

We often refer to celebrities in our household just by their first name. For instance recently it hs been katie -price, venezuela, Paris, tyson -fury, val-kilmer, jack- black. And anyone who was very "big" in our family would be Alan-Davies, Michael-Jaclson, David- Tenant

I find this really, really odd. I have never come across anyone who discusses celebrities so often that they fall into first name terms.

Have you been bereaved of a parent yet? Because you sound like you have no idea what that time is like. It is so hard. Every moment is precious and you don't know when the end will be or if the person dying will rally and make a final communication with you. It's so awful for you to sit in judgement of this man in the worst days of his life while you're just having a normal day and scrolling on here.

Then he should accept he assumed. And that he has overreacted. It isn’t her fault he overheard something not meant for him and assumed the hospital texted her instead of calling her son to inform of her passing. The whole assumption is ludicrous and he should not be taking it out on her.

Yeah we can try and expect all we want but adhd is a spectrum and some people find things harder than others. I’ve been brought up the same but it’s hard, doesn’t mean I’m thoughtless. Would you say the same to someone with Tourette’s as it’s not far off

No, because it's a tic. ADHD in my son's case means that he can think about what he wants to say, but just jumps in. If he pauses, he thinks he says it in a better way.

Yes, I have lost a parent, slowly and painfully. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, great uncles. People die. I’ll probably be next .
Hes going to be dreading it but that does not mean he can treat his wife as if she told him to his face that Judith died , meaning Chalmers, not MiL.
He overheard her with a friend ..and only a blithering idiot thinks that’s how hospitals inform next of kin…via text to a third party to pass on.

But he wasn't thinking rationally. I think most people under stress misinterpret on occasion.

Fine..but that doesn’t mean he should punish his wife because he thought irrationally . She is not responsible for his thoughts.

watching my husband and 2 x MiL die was awful..him dementia, her dementia..the other brain cancer. But death is inevitable and sometimes, the best thing or only thing to end the suffering. It’s time people stopped thinking death is taboo. We fight nature in everything else but death is the only certainty. He got a fright but that was largely self inflicted . Lashing out at his wife ..that’s not acceptable

Oooh you failed the Turin test I'm afraid, I am a human. I know I am because I regularly check the box on the websites that ask me if I'm human.

As an aside, did you know that AI writing checkers disproportionately accuse autistic people of using AI? It's because we can write in blunt, succint ways. Here's a link for more info (I googled it myself, but as google has AI built in it of course helped me) https://www.researchgate.net/publication/378200791_AI_Detection's_High_False_Positive_Rates_and_the_Psychological_and_Material_Impacts_on_Students

I can see why he’s on edge but he has really overreacted to this, it wasn’t done maliciously to upset him.

Hopefully in future you guys can laugh about this, it’s like David’s dead from Big Brother is all I can think of!

Total overreaction on your husband´s part. He assumed and was wrong. Breathe in breathe out, sorry wife you scared me there for a moment. End of.