Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

Would you say the same to someone with Tourettes?

You mistake the condition completely. You'll find a lot of people on forums who are ADHD precisely because the act of writing slows everything down so their brain can act before their thoughts get expressed.

You'll also find we're the people who do massive amounts of typos and edits.

@NotAnotherScarf

It's also part of the condition to be over reactive to criticism. Part of her writing on this forum was probably to assuage her feelings of guilt. And it doesn't matter whether people agree that the husband over reacted (last time I looked the poll said he did) or whether she is getting beaten up for it, both achieve that result.

Speaking from personal experience.

the poor man was in the same room so I don’t think he was eavesdropping. I think OP knew exactly what she was doing. Judith Chalmers isn’t that famous that she is known by her first name exclusively, and especially as his very unwell mother has the same name.

My eldest has ADHD before you ask

Its sensitive isn't it his mum in hospital poorly he will be on edge so not sure if its an over reaction really ....
As much as you say you blurt things out maybe this one has broke the camels back its his mum not just a person off the tv you've never met.
I'd apologise until you feel he hears it and understand his need for space.
Those who said he is looking for an excuse dont be so hard hearted he could be losing his mum if the poster can't put her mouth in touch with her head in these situations I dont blame the hubby having enough of it.

I think you knew how it sounded.
My MIL is called Sarah. If she was seriously ill in hospital and I said to my sister “oh Sarah is dead” she would immediately assume I was talking about my MIL, not Sarah Michelle Gellar (we were obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer as children)

To be honest, if I was your sister I’d have assumed you meant your mother in law and not some random 90s celeb that no one has heard about in years. It’s completely understandable that your husband flipped. What an absurdly ignorant thing to do. Wonder how you’d have felt if someone flippantly suggested your mother had died and then behaved like you’d overreacted. I think you’re being extremely unreasonable. I’m so fed up of ADHD being used to mask poor behaviour. You are still capable of thinking, presumably?

A couple of things on this -

I feel like I can totally hear how much of a throw-away comment this was, so I feel sorry for you that it's blown up in your face like this. If anything, the fact that it was so off-the-cuff should partly demonstrate to him that there was no malice behind it. As others have said, emotions run high at times like this but I personally think that he should be the one coming to you with an apology - not the other way around!

His reaction sounds more like a 'last straw' thing so I'd be having a serious conversation with him about where else this has come from - a change in his feelings about the relationship, or a change in his mental health and him needing some support. The fact that he's taken himself away for 'space' over this is very extreme and seems OTT for what could/should have been a straightforward conversation around why it upset him.

Girl, you are not being unreasonable.

The poor man hadn’t over-reacted he’s on high alert over his mother. All you can do is apologise but I have a feeling there is a long history of ‘blurting’ and he’s had enough of it.
My other half has ADHD and blurts things out without thinking. I have learned to cope with it but now and again it is really hurtful.
He shouldn’t be gathering support from others over it though, that is odd.
I do feel sorry for you in that you meant no harm, but harm had been caused.

He's currently treading no man's land like we all do when our parents are dying. Every minute waiting for the phone call... You made a flippant comment but he's currently in a state of trauma. You need to apologise and put him first whilst he goes through the shittiest of times

I agree with your husband
Also your sister will know his mother's name and assume you mean her not some random old bird from the telly ... It's not like you had Judith Chalmers round for tea twice a week

ADHD is no excuse for thoughtlessness

ADHD/ Neurodiversity is difficult but it has an impact on those around you. There's that expectation for the neurotypical partner to be the better person, the caregiver when their partner is in burnout. Sometimes we forget that neurotypical people experience grief, trauma, loss and need to be carried too.

Upu tnink in a population of £70million, there is only one judith in high dependency??

When your neurotypical partner is experiencing the worst kind of trauma, if you love them you do need to mask. There's no getting around it. You can't expect love, tolerance and flowers round the door, disability or no disability when someone is in the raw stages of grief they are struggling with their own day to day existence. I know as this was me a year ago

Oh Christ he really has over reacted something similar happened to me. My kids and I were at my mums having tea. My brother in laws dad was called Paul, my kids dad (ex husband we were still married at the time) is also called Paul. Well my mum just blurted out to me “Paul’s dead”. The kids all aged between 10 and 5 said ‘what daddy’s dead’ we actually all found the funny side immediately even the kids. It’s just one of those things. The kids still laugh about it ‘remember that time Grammy said Paul was dead and we thought it was dad’

i think your husband has had a massive overreaction

Yes

Accidental my arse!

No one reacts like that to the death of a celebrity that hasn't been heard of in decades. You knew exactly what you were doing.

my eldest has `ADHD

Then you really should know better than to suggest OP ‘knew exactly what she was doing’.

Just FYI, this is still up and has now been featured on the Mumsnet Facebook page.

It was an accident, you were talking with your sister and had your head in your family back ground, you apologised. His obviously very on edge but with all honestly I don’t think you did anything wrong and his completely over reacted, maybe apologise again but that should be the end of it. There’s more to his reaction than this that prob needs addressing though

The blurting is a separate issue from exactly what you blurted.

You called Judith Chalmers “Judith” as though she was a member of your own family. I wonder whether your sister wondered if you were referring to your mil.

The fact that your DH has gone to stay elsewhere means that he thinks you did this deliberately imo. Or that you have other issues and this pushed things over the edge. Going to stay elsewhere rather than sleeping on sofa/spare room is quite major.

I suspect they would, yes. This thread is rapidly becoming a masterclass in the lack of understanding of what ADHD actually is and the prevailing belief that it’s just an excuse for bad behaviour is astounding.

Tell me you have no clue about ADHD. This is the most exhausting part of it for me. People making out you are nasty and thoughtless when you literally have little control before something is out your mouth. She didn’t plan this and had no bad intention behind it. Op just apologise and try not to give yourself too much of a hard time, I know how you will be feeling

So your sister gets it, but you don’t. Yeah, can see why he’s had enough.

You mean neurotypical people don’t react like that. OP is ND and ADHD quite often does involve people blurting things out inappropriately because the thought is expressed before the brain has time to process it properly. It’s not premeditated, and clearly not pre planned because it was asa result of a news update on OP’s phone.