Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

What's your point, caller?
People with ADHD are awful to be around?
You are entitled to your view, probably best you don't have friendships or relationships with neurodivergent people.
The OP's husband can make his own decision on what works for him.
What isn't needed is people piling on to tell the OP blurting things out is inconsiderate, and that she should think before speaking. What's next? Make a list and you won't forget anything?

I’ve been in that or very similar situations throughout my life many times, hence my viewpoint 🙂

Great points made 👍

This is ridiculous projection. I'm sorry if you have experienced that, but it doesn't mean that this is standard for someone with ADHD.

They don't have to tolerate it, they can end the relationship if they can't deal with it, instead of playing the martyr.

Agree, I am nothing like the poster's partner, if anything I am an obsessive declutterer and obsessively tidy because for me everything has to be in its place or I can't find it when I want it.

I am a blurter of inappropriate comments and I do talk to the tv, but I'm also assured by my DH of almost 50 years that I'm very good fun to be around. It does help, I think, that he's ND as well.

ETA, this is all about being compatible. Lots of ND couples are not compatible, it's not unique to ND people with NT partners.

Ok I shout out that you're mums name and that's she's died whilst looking at my phone, even leaving aside you were actually waiting for the news that your mum has died, you'd be upset.

Noone in the history of the world has ever referred to Judith Chamers by her first name apart from her friends and family. She's not been current on TV for 20 years and I bet the op and her sister never, ever referred to her in 1990 as bloody Judith.

The op has been completely stupid and thoughtless, bugger blaming an illness. She's expecting mil to die and when a message with that name has come up she's jumped in and is trying to cover her stupidity

Clearly this isn't the first time something like this has happened and he's rightly had enough.

Were you reading your phone while talking to your sister ?

Ok I shout out that you're mums name and that's she's died whilst looking at my phone, even leaving aside you were actually waiting for the news that your mum has died, you'd be upset..

Only I wouldn't. Because if someone said (there is no suggestion that the name was shouted) "Jennifer is dead", I wouldn't connect that name with my mother because I always call her "Mum" and everyone who talks about her to me calls her "mum", "your mum" or "our mum" and that's how it is in most families that I know.

People do, you know 😉

And my brother in law called my wife's parents by their first name. He was a cock, but it's no unheard of. Plus if she's talking to her sister, the sister won't be calling Judith mum would she, she's nothing to do with her

I’m sorry, but I’m finding this really difficult to believe. When a famous person dies you never just say their first name only, I just don’t think it would happen. A surname I can believe, as they can be more familiar, but not a first name.

I was going to post similar.

Not thinking before you speak is not some cutesy character trait, it’s really fucking awful as it’s potentially very hurtful and damaging. As you’re finding out @accidentallyUpsetHim . Sounds like you do it a lot and this is probably the worst yet. Time to do something about it.

I don’t actually think he’s overreacting. What you did was terrible. And I also find it really odd that you would call JC Judith like that.

It's also hurtful and damaging to try to make ND conform to what suits NT people.

Do you realise that when ND blurt out something they aren't meaning to, or planning to? It is hard work to constantly monitor your speech. Sometimes things slip out. It isn't cutesy character trait, you are right. It is an executive system dysfunction. Yes, it can be hurtful and harmful. But no need to shame people for it.
What do you suggest the OP does about it? She's due to start on medication. Medication may help, but not eliminate the issue. If you actually have a way of fixing this I'm sure people would love to hear.
NB "Think before you speak" is not an effective strategy.

No it's what society is all about fitting in as best as possible, everyone struggles at times to confirm to the expected requirements. And she may be Nd but fuck me no one ever called her Judith Chamers just Judith, she just blurted out Judith because she expects Judith to die...if you are nt enough to type on a public message board that you realise you've upset your husband, you're capable of not blurting out her name like that.

Another armchair "expert".

She didn’t say anything to him..he was eavesdropping on a phone call she was having with her sister.
Serves him right.
If she had announced it to him, that would have been different but she didn’t. He assumed there only one Judith in the world. His reaction was OTT considering she wasn’t talking to him.

Hey I sit in the cefax stand. Sorry but she knows full well that she has an issue with blurting things out...somethings are just not forgiveable .

OP I wouldn't worry about the judgement of the people on here, there's many on here who clearly aren't very nice people and who cares what those kind of people have to say. At best maybe they're having a bad day and trying to take it out on you, or else they're just completely ignorant.

If your husband is angry at you that's one thing and you can deal with that in your personal life but don't take the absolute bullshit and nastiness from the people on here.

There was the same crap on all of the threats related to John Davidson at the BAFTAs with many talking absolute crap such as he shouldn't have went if he couldn't control what he says.

So that's where many people are at these days, ignorant, intolerant and just plain nasty.

Lots of NewNameAccounts here suddenly! Perhaps attracted by the OP's reference to ADHD in the initial post.

It's entirely possible for two things to be true: for the OP not to have meant any harm whatsoever, and for her DH to be very upset by something unintended, which she couldn't really have helped.

Besides ADHD, I suspect a speech fluency issue, through experience with a family member. Saying 'think before you speak' to somebody with that type of communication disorder is a bit like telling someone with Tourettes to stop ticcing.

If you're only here to bully an upset poster seeking help, it's high time to step away from the keyboard - it's worse behaviour than blurting.

Wow he's very highly strung isn't he, in a way understandable he's worried about his mum, but yes def ott reaction imo once he knew who you were talking about!

Leave him to get over it. YANBU.

He was in the same room. OP has said he wasn’t eavesdropping at all. You’re being incredibly heartless about his situation. And you’re being way more unreasonable than the OP is, who has accepted blame more or less.

I don’t have a way of fixing it, no, you’re right.

And if OP had asked for ways of fixing it, I would have steered well clear, because I don’t know.

But she didn’t. She said that her DH had overreacted, and asked if people agreed. So I gave my opinion on that.

What do I suggest OP should do about her condition? Well again, she didn’t ask that, and I don’t really know, but I don’t think taking to the internet to look for people to blame her DH was a great start.