Private and state parents

[Privateandstateparents]

I have been struggling to decide state or private for primary for my dd for some time now. One of the advantages of state I was very convinced about was the community feeling (rare in sw London!), parents looked more approachable, more diverse and normal. I have now had the opportunity to meet several parents from both schools I am considering and I am really disappointed. The other mums looking at state seem very concerned with asserting their social status (what prestigious job their parents had, what schools they went to, the loss of benefits above £100k etc) and ask a million questions, more or less subtly, to figure out ours. If/when they figure out that I may be doing better financially, their body language and attitude shifts, at best they shut down, at worse they seem offended. On the contrary, the parents from private engage in significantly more interesting conversations, are more vulnerable/ easy to connect to, hold thoughtful points of view and seem genuinely very respectful of everyone’s situations. Basically the opposite of what I was expecting. How is this even possible? And, more importantly, should I expect the children to have somehow absorbed similar views (and would need to ensure that my dd doesn’t figure out our situation?)

@MeetMeOnTheCorner - I have a lot of friends and colleagues who went to Harrow and Eton and quite often, yes their DS do still follow, but often on the insistence and at the expense of the grandfather (generational loyalty runs deep). And many are relieved if they end up with girls only and the subject does not require much discussion at all. And starting with state primary down the road and seeing how it goes is very much acceptable now.

Also ask yourself the question. If you actually wanted your DS to have a chance at being PM (whatever flavour of party) would you really send him or her to private school?

Also, parts of West London the 11 plus competition for certain sought after independent schools is now so desperate and try hard, that plenty of people just opt out because they cannot be bothered with it all. The West London indie landscape is definitely not some chill heaven like the OP would like us to believe.
You have a bright kid a nice house and a great locaility and catchment school, it is just less stress to go state all the way - and unis don’t penalise you for it either. So for many it is the path of least resistance and you get to keep the moral high ground and bitch about taxes (whilst secretly having investments and trust funds lined up for your DC).

I very much share similar beliefs hence why I found it surprising to come across so many class conscious if not entitled parents in state…

thank you @Araminta1003 . Just sharing my personal observations, without intention of making anyone believe anything really

@Privateandstateparents - but you are overthinking it with a 3 year old as well?
If you are going to put yourself in a group of educational overthinkers whether state or private - then you are not going to be avoiding the 11 plus frenzy.
The good news is they all mostly chill out post GCSE level!

I literally couldn’t be bothered with the stress of 11+ in our part of London, certainly with my eldest who was absolutely not co-operating with the prep an I wasn’t going to put either of us through it. As I said earlier, they’ve ended up with the same GCSE grades, same A level grades, at the same uni and in the same grad job as their privately educated friends. I have no regrets at all and a far healthier bank balance. All this caveated with the recognition that we had a really excellent state alternative.

OP, you have just met a few people and it's neither here nor there really. I'm also in SW London. Don't overthink.

Only to say, if they are in the state system, schools will make a hoo haa over SATs. In the independent sector, there are no SATs at least, but it will all be about CAT tests to determine which schools to be aiming for at 7 plus, 11 plus or CE.