Private and state parents

[Privateandstateparents]

I have been struggling to decide state or private for primary for my dd for some time now. One of the advantages of state I was very convinced about was the community feeling (rare in sw London!), parents looked more approachable, more diverse and normal. I have now had the opportunity to meet several parents from both schools I am considering and I am really disappointed. The other mums looking at state seem very concerned with asserting their social status (what prestigious job their parents had, what schools they went to, the loss of benefits above £100k etc) and ask a million questions, more or less subtly, to figure out ours. If/when they figure out that I may be doing better financially, their body language and attitude shifts, at best they shut down, at worse they seem offended. On the contrary, the parents from private engage in significantly more interesting conversations, are more vulnerable/ easy to connect to, hold thoughtful points of view and seem genuinely very respectful of everyone’s situations. Basically the opposite of what I was expecting. How is this even possible? And, more importantly, should I expect the children to have somehow absorbed similar views (and would need to ensure that my dd doesn’t figure out our situation?)

This is a very likely dynamic actually.
They assumed superiority because we are very chilled and low profile and they wanted to show off…
happened a few times though

Why yes, they are all veritable saints <doffs cap>> 😁

I think the biggest shift in intake to Independent prep schools in recent times is for a huge number of applicants to have or be suspected of having SEND issues.

We reserved a place for our DS at what had always been an excellent traditional prep school that has been around for centuries.

All was good until the last couple of years when it became clear that nearly all Reception year applicants were choosing the school because their children had additional needs which they felt could not be catered for in the state sector. The addition of VAT appears to have made this even worse. We know of another child who is in Reception there this year and their parents state that 13/18 children are SEND.

As a result of this we withdrew our application and moved into the catchment area of the best local state school which is fantastic.

We will consider options again at 11.

I’ve no idea if this is replicated elsewhere however it is extremely noticeable locally.

they did not start this type of chats, different diacussions

A couple I know moved their kid from state to private education expecting “a better quality of people” at the prestigious private school they moved their children to and were really very distressed to discover that high percentage of the parents were plumbers, electricians, joiners etc which really wasn’t at all what they were looking for, bless them

This is very very accurate. Where I live, about half of the parents in my daughter's (very good state primary) class were privately educated. Almost none of them can afford to send their own children to private school and so are ploughing their money into tutoring, moving house near to the best local states / grammar school, and extracurricular activities. It stings like hell to know that you can't give your children the education (and it's more than just academics) you always assumed they would have, but it's reassuring to know you're all in the same boat. Conversely, if you find out someone does have the means to go private, it is very very hard not to feel resentful. It's not an attractive quality, but it's human nature.

My kids have been in state locals for a total of 23 ISH years. Not once have I discussed mine or other parents finances. It's not compulsory, and if you don't want to discuss it, don't.

You can't choose a school for your child on the basis of the social status of the parents.

It's the child who is going to the school, not you.

Choose a school based on class sizes, the feel you get when looking round, whether the other children seem happy, whether the staff answer your questions satisfactorily.

This is so true. My ASD child wasn’t coping in the boisterous state school and was a target for all sorts of nasty violence. They were (understandably) refusing to go in. Mainstream private is calmer and simply doesn’t put up with assaults. We scrape together the fees because we simply have no choice. I saw a newspaper article about how private schools were ‘gaming the system’ because so many kids got extra time in exams which is laughable. If your child has dyslexia etc help is few and far between in state and so private is much more vital to help them succeed. Of course more kids in private have extra time!

It’s such a privilege to be able to access a safe, calm educational setting that will help your child reach their potential for free. This is not something available for so many ASD / dyslexic children.

my 2 DCs went to the same (state) primary school. DC1’s class and their parents were horrid. With DC2, I had the opposite experience. They are only 2 years apart. DC1 is now 23 and many of the kids in their class have turned out to have had massive problems - 2 of them started refusing to go to school and didn’t sit their GCSEs, several of the parents have had traumatic divorces which have affected the DCs badly , one dad committed suicide….. and that is just the handful I still know about.

What do they talk about?

Those are trades that are very unlikely to be disrupted by AI!

I reckon there are materialistic bellends at all sorts of settings, state and independent. That kind of parent generally ignores you when they realise you aren’t like that. Which I find an agreeable situation for all involved, polite indifference.

But that is not what I said

Good grief I don’t feel remotely bothered that my kids went to state school when I went private. I’m just delighted they have had an incredible education for free and am delighted I haven’t had to pay for it. I actually feel a bit sorry for people who have forked out a fortune for their NT kids to end up in the same uni and jobs as my state educated child

ps I have a ND child too who went private but I certainly don’t value their education more, I would have far preferred they were in state school but they were school refusing. The other 2 thrived

What do you mean you have doubts of how many there is. We live in the area and there’s loads.

Because his forbid your child have to mingle with our sen kids.

When we lived there, admittedly a long time ago, it just felt that the super gentrified, more and more expensive areas, were becoming more and more prevalent all the time. The pockets of "normal" felt like they were getting fewer and fewer and smaller and smaller.

And when we go back to visit friends who still live there, it feels like that even more.

But we don't live there any more so if it's far more diverse economically than I see, that's a relief! It was when I first moved there 20+ years ago.

My DD is currently at a private all girls prep (primary) school. I was educated in state and so I am new to this. We are 8 months in. Here are my observations:

Smaller class sizes (12) - this is both good and bad. Lately DD saying is no one plays with her as they all seem to pair off. If they don’t get on with anyone then it’s hard as small class sizes leave fewer options.

Behavioural issues - yes issues much lower than state (probably) but even in my DD’s class of 12 there are 2 girls that are SEN. It’s not been a problem for us tho as DD gets enough teacher attention regardless.

Community - completely lacking and no play dates either as no one is based local to the school. A lot of parents drive in from miles away to go to this specific school. Therefore no time to hang about after school as need to get home and no time on weekends for play dates as 1) too far and 2) weekends are for family which I understand. We’ve had some but we had loads more at the local nursery and pre-school she was at.

Parents - all very nice, no need to show wealth / show off as all clearly wealthy enough to go private in the first place. Not a brand or flash car in sight. All roughly on same level financially (I’m assuming) hence it’s not even a thing. Parents are all very secure. Jobs are never mentioned. Holidays are very normal (Spain, France, caravan parks etc). I heard there is more judgement (parents and kids) in a state school given the broad social spectrum. I certainly faced a lot of judgement myself as a kid that went to state. I had no problems though and I loved school but it’s a different world now vs 35 years ago.

Parents are all on a similar wavelength and are quite involved in the school and their child’s education- but not in a competitive way. I know you also get this in state but maybe not with everyone, whereas with private they are all invested because they’re paying fees and want to ensure they’re getting their money’s worth.

Overall I’m ok with our private school choice for now but I’m also open to state if she decides private is not for her later down the line.

We live in what I suppose people would refer to as a “ expensive area “ think near a famous football ground 🤣 and there is at least 5 large council estates in a 12 minute radius and 2 smaller ones.
thsts just this little part.

Why do people always link SEN to “ bad behavior “
my daughter is Sen and OP went to a wonderful state primary in SW London.

she has no behavior issues and the only issues we had were related to actually non ND girls being mean to her but the schooo was great at dealing with it. Every school can have some form of Sen private and prep. Does not mean disaster.

Right... I was widowed when my dc were quite young, so no dad around for them I'm afraid!

Why are you basing your school choices around what you think of 'the mums'? The decision should be based on your child's needs and your own values.

You must live in a very weird place to get that very specific vibe from multiple mums. Never experienced it and my kids have been at three state schools in three different locations now.

the Head of the most selective schools in sw London made it very clear that many gifted children are also ND, so many are actually very motivated to have them mingle…
having said that, my impression of the private sector is that the positioning to appeal to specific target students is very clear: hothouses, gentle, all rounders so if everyone is ND, it’s probably because they are great with provisioning for those needs

I find this really odd OP, all the parents at our state school are really normal. Literally no one discussing money at all.

maybe it’s the area you live in