Private and state parents

[Privateandstateparents]

I have been struggling to decide state or private for primary for my dd for some time now. One of the advantages of state I was very convinced about was the community feeling (rare in sw London!), parents looked more approachable, more diverse and normal. I have now had the opportunity to meet several parents from both schools I am considering and I am really disappointed. The other mums looking at state seem very concerned with asserting their social status (what prestigious job their parents had, what schools they went to, the loss of benefits above £100k etc) and ask a million questions, more or less subtly, to figure out ours. If/when they figure out that I may be doing better financially, their body language and attitude shifts, at best they shut down, at worse they seem offended. On the contrary, the parents from private engage in significantly more interesting conversations, are more vulnerable/ easy to connect to, hold thoughtful points of view and seem genuinely very respectful of everyone’s situations. Basically the opposite of what I was expecting. How is this even possible? And, more importantly, should I expect the children to have somehow absorbed similar views (and would need to ensure that my dd doesn’t figure out our situation?)

What a humble brag of a post 😅

But seriously, your child’s education is about more than the other parents. If they all really do have such high flying jobs you won’t see much of them anyway.

Which school seemed the better fit for your child?

How would you know how well someone is doing financially from an initial conversation? Are you not mistaking general chit chat about what you do, where you live etc for someone assessing your net worth? For what it’s worth, I send my kids private. But that’s because class sizes are small, behavioural issues virtually non-existent and lovely facilities. I have close friends and ‘hi’ friends at the school gate and I’m not nosey enough to pry into their financials but sometimes you learn stuff about what people do and where they live. We all make assumptions but I’ve learnt that driving a nice car and living in a nice street doesn’t matter - the car could be a company car and the house heavily mortgaged. I have never had anyone I know “shut down” because I have inadvertently revealed I send my kids private and live in prestigious address. I think you are overthinking it and are concerned about your status living up to whatever you think it should live up to. Chose the best school for your child.

In a general sense, the state -v- private comparison is not that useful as far as the parental community is concerned. Cohorts of parents across both sectors will vary in so many ways across both sectors, with some feeling more comfortable than others, again in either sector. Parents who have more than child at school likely know this.

Children will form friendships regardless of the perceived wealth of their parents. If you are comfortable in your own skin and not really concerned about your wealth or social status, then go for where feels most comfortable. But there are many other factors that may influence your decision as to whether State or Private is the best option …

Where I live, those parents who went to private school themselves, grew up wealthy, but can’t quite afford private school for their own children (high earners and well off generally but have put their money into lifestyle: big mortgage, big car, big holidays) that go to the local excellent state really do have a serious chip on their shoulder.

By comparison the local lovely prep has a lot of families that have chosen education over the house, the car so actually live much more modestly and are genuinely lovely people. I would imagine that in London this is even more extreme.

To have gone to private school yourself but not got yourself into a financial position to pass that on to the next generation much sting and feel like a failure.

If you are wealthy enough to have the house and the private school then yes, those particular parents in state will be very jealous of you. It’s a status symbol they cant afford. You probably won’t find that at prep where, aside from the extremely wealthy where it’s just a given, people have chosen it as they value education above all else, rather than as a status symbol.

It's probably area dependent as the state mums didnt really do that in my area. There were other issues with some of them. A minority hadn't developed beyond being 14 year old mean girls. Most were fine though. I dont know about private mums.

If you want to send your kids to private school just do it.

No fathers around?

Don't extrapolate beyond your dataset. You have met a handful of individuals who happened to be in the same place at the same time as you, for whatever reason. They don't speak for the whole sector. "State parents" are not really a thing, they're 93% of the population. After over 15 years of being a parent of a school aged child I don't think I have ever been told what any acquaintance's parent does for work.

I think in many cases, in SW London, families are wealthy in many areas because it's such a crazy expensive part of London to live in. So unless you look for schools close to areas to estates etc with lots of council housing (and honestly, i have doubts about ho wmuch there is) you're going to get very affluent families in both. And as you have private as an option, it's obvious you're living in the more expensive areas too.

don't choose your child's school based on the parents. Choose it based on whatyou think will work for your child. the ethos of the school, the sense you get of the environment etc.

And then there are those privately educated who don't agree with it and choose state for their own children

I have one child in private and others in state. Private parents have paid so they don’t have to worry about their child’s education as much. State parents are more worried about whether they are doing the right thing / giving their child’s the best etc.

As in were they single mums? Some of them I guess
It was majority mums on the school run. A small minority of dads. One was bitchy.
Maybe it's 50:50 mums and dads on the school run these days. Not sure. It wasn't long ago it was majority mums

💯. There is a hell of a lot of projection going on here.

OP wrote " The other mums looking at state seem very concerned with asserting their social status" so I was responding to that really

Sounds like you are looking at schools with affluent intakes; so parents will be reflective of that intake. If you look at a more bog standard state school I can assure you that no parents are worrying about any of those things.

I'm also not sure you can make any judgement based on seeing someone at an open day(?) Also, the interests of parents can vary wildly from year to year.

This is all hilarious. Oh my.

'Parents' in the title

What an utterly ridiculous OP.

In almost 2 decades across multiple schools I have never had any of these conversations.

Yes absolutely, but I can’t imagine these parents would be trying to asses the financial status of other parents, or desperate to assert the fact that they are wealthy enough to afford private despite choosing the local state.

OP, my experience was similar to yours. I can see it at our local cricket club, which is mostly children from the local state school - some of the parents gave us a wide berth after a series of questions trying to ascertain our background (my husband wasn't privately educated - doesn't sail, or play cricket himself).

We haven't had any conversations like that at our Prep - DH clearly has working class background but everyone is lovely, doesn't care where you go on holiday etc.

Agreed.

Some of the posts here are so sweeping.

Those who went to private schools themselves often know they categorically don't want to send their own dc to private schools, regardless of financial priorities.

And it is so ridiculous to state that parents who sent their dc to private prep 'value education' more than other parents.

to have gone to private school yourself but not got yourself into a financial position to pass that on to the next generation much sting and feel like a failure.

what absolute BS. I went to private school, absolutely hated it, and felt it was a complete waste of money. My dc are at state school. They have a large cohort of friends that are at state school, private school and who are home educated. By extension I’ve got to know their friends parents, and they are all much of a muchness. They are all down to earth decent people, just trying to get on with life and scale each and every hurdle which crosses their path.
Not convinced this post was started in genuine good faith, as what ever schooling you chose for your kids, the parents will be varied, some will be lovely, some will be okay and some will be nobs, regardless of finances.

We could have done either state or private. We looked at both. Our decision was based on what’s best for my child. We chose state and I’m happy with my decision.

🤣

Yep. Private school parents are better in every single way.