Private and state parents

[Privateandstateparents]

I have been struggling to decide state or private for primary for my dd for some time now. One of the advantages of state I was very convinced about was the community feeling (rare in sw London!), parents looked more approachable, more diverse and normal. I have now had the opportunity to meet several parents from both schools I am considering and I am really disappointed. The other mums looking at state seem very concerned with asserting their social status (what prestigious job their parents had, what schools they went to, the loss of benefits above £100k etc) and ask a million questions, more or less subtly, to figure out ours. If/when they figure out that I may be doing better financially, their body language and attitude shifts, at best they shut down, at worse they seem offended. On the contrary, the parents from private engage in significantly more interesting conversations, are more vulnerable/ easy to connect to, hold thoughtful points of view and seem genuinely very respectful of everyone’s situations. Basically the opposite of what I was expecting. How is this even possible? And, more importantly, should I expect the children to have somehow absorbed similar views (and would need to ensure that my dd doesn’t figure out our situation?)

I would suggest that this is not a "state vs private" issue, but a "where you live" issue. I've had children at schools in both sectors and have never had any experiences of that at all.
"State vs private" is a ridiculous comparison anyway. There are thousands of schools in both sectors, all different, and you just can't generalise. At best most of us will have experience of a few schools in each sector, probably less, and you can't extrapolate from that to the entire education system.
OP, it sonds like you are fortunate enough to have a choice so look at the specific options available to you and pick whichever school you think will suit your child best. Don't try to use those schools to make judgments about the whole sector though - that's pointless.

@Privateandstateparents I don't get it- are you looking for a school for your daughter or suitable friends for yourself? You post suggests the latter. I have one in state and one in private and the only difference I could make out was that there were more social problems in state. Talking secondary here. Both my dc went to state primary because kids that age are generally "innocent" and I wanted diversity for my kids. One has learning problems so continued and is happy in state with sen provision. The other is academic so I wouldn't want the disruptive behaviour in state to be an obstacle from him learning why I chose a private school where behaviour is very good- or you're out (long waiting list- not expensive)

@Privateandstateparents I don't get it- are you looking for a school for your daughter or suitable friends for yourself? You post suggests the latter. I have one in state and one in private and the only difference I could make out was that there were more social problems in state. Talking secondary here. Both my dc went to state primary because kids that age are generally "innocent" and I wanted diversity for my kids. One has learning problems so continued and is happy in state with sen provision. The other is academic so I wouldn't want the disruptive behaviour in state to be an obstacle from him learning why I chose a private school where behaviour is very good- or you're out (long waiting list- not expensive)

don't choose your child's school based on the parents.

I'd disagree with this. Cohort define a school/class at least to the same degree if not more than teachers and you can easily see what kids will be there based on parents attending.

I can see the point that OP is trying to make. Maybe it didn’t come across as best it could…
OP was basing the choice on community - which includes both kids and parents. Therefore, whether you can get along with the parents is important in my opinion. Perhaps it’s a bit quick to judge people on a single meeting and wrong to tar the entire parent population with the same brush, but I do think it is ok to judge a school choice based on how you THINK you might get on with other parents, bcos that may mean more play dates with their friends, and give an indication of their values (which come from their upbringing) because those will definitely rub off onto your kid eventually. Choosing the right school for your DC should be based on how happy you think they will be there and one valid factor in that is community, so fair enough I think.

I honestly wish when going private that I had considered community and class size more. I based my decision on the nurturing environment, facilities, ethos, track record etc and assumed community would be strong and small classes would be a good thing. But it’s actually heartbreaking to have a 5 year old come home to tell me that no one played with her today and so she just sat and sang songs to herself (could be all lies / exaggerated but you never know). I think if she was in a bigger school with more kids in the class then she would definitely find people to vibe with. Community would have helped developed those friendships outside of the classroom as her school has limited play time (our friends kid in state school has loads of free play and hardly homework in comparison)

We went from state primary to independent secondary. So much less showing off now with the secondary parents.

A real mix of seriously wealthy and (like us) scholarships + bursary + doing the best we can for our DC. But overall feel SO much less judged, we all just tend to talk about either school or ‘normal’ stuff and no one is trying to be all “look at me” like a the primary.

You seemed to have had a lot of in-depth, very personal conversations with parents. who are all really just there to check the school for their kids. When I went to open days (at private) we didn’t say anything more in-depth than lovely building, nice grounds, do you have other kids here, stuff like that.

With the state primary I only started talking to mums once we were waiting at the school gates.

Right?

I'm a snob but want to pretend I'm not.

I have had kids in both state and private school. I think the small class thing can be fantastic socially or it can cause issues. It literally always depends on the specific cohort.

I have had children get 'lost' in classes of 30 and not find a special group of friends. I have heard about lots of my friends' children in really large state schools wandering around alone at playtimes completely unnoticed by teachers. Conversely though I do think some kids need a bigger peer group to find their tribe and there is obviously a risk in small classes that they don't find anyone they connect with. In my experience this is a particular problem in small co-eds with limited number of kids of the same sex.

On behalf of all state parents, I'm so sorry that we didn't live up to your hopes for "experiencing diversity".

I decided against one independent school because it was just too small. I worried the pool of friend options was too limited. They ended up going to a normal sized state primary and then the nearest local private for seniors, which was big enough to have friend options but considerably smaller than the local state (which was under ‘needs improvement’ and became an academy, and I really didn’t want that. Thankfully the choices I made turned out to be the right ones. Today they would have to go to state as private would be far too expensive for two kids. They finished schooling at the right time.

Could you move your 5 yr old to another school? State primary is usually fine in most cases, if no private.

Your post comes across like this: I know I'm better than everyone but I want to mingle with the lower class, the diverse, you know. In order to appear as though I'm something better than I am, as it were, you see. One need not let all know that one started out life in a terraced home with a brown Datsun parked on the kerb. Quite the opposite, in fact. What do you peasants think, if you think at all, about this perplexing quandary? 🤔

I would also be extremely wary of too small schools after experiences as a child in a tiny village school. A nice deep friendship
pool is essential then you have other options for friendships if it goes wrong. We picked a 2 form entry.

I think this is a location issue and not a state vs private issue.

What kind of private school? I’d expect the famous academic privates to be very different from the small unknown ones.

What kind of state school? If it’s the sort who send kids to grammars then I’d expect the parents to be looking at the competition but in terms of academics rather than social status. How do you end up finding out social status anyway? I’ve never met anyone dropping stuff like their car or holiday homes in an initial conversation.

I work in SW London across both private and state schools.

I have never read such a pile of nonsense.

Private school parents are "more vulnerable". Maybe the parents working two jobs at NMW are past sharing their vulnerability with random strangers at school Open Days. Or maybe you're not looking at that sort of state school?

This is exactly how it is in my area of the Home counties. Dc have friendships curated by parents! It’s all about parental jobs and status. Cannot speak for London but it’s rife here. People are judged on husbands career, mothers career and money and house. There’s clearly a pecking order and a strata in the local society. Medics, solicitors and highly paid business execs being top and they don’t mix with the carpet fitter or the chippy - unless they want work done!

Private school felt far more equal even though the very rich were present. They didn’t tend to ignore people.

Load of rubbish

Ive lived in SW london, am now (just) into Surrey and have experience of 5 schools now and think you're full of shit sorry 😂😂. In DD's state class most of the parents are affluent and we just talk about normal stuff, some people have expensive cars and holidays but it's not really a big deal.

Fwiw I am considering private for secondary for my ND child although would prefer state.

But I've genuinely never had people boast to me like this,

Didn’t you know - all the keeping up with the Jones’ types are now stuck in state school bitching about wealth?

Only the true upper class and the worthy and the internationals are now in private schools, for the greater good of all.

Just move to Walthamstow or Hackney or South East London or better still Tower Hamlets and find a state school there. If you don’t like SW?
Pick a Green Party area and join the club.

@Araminta1003 Many city professionals afford private schools.

Agree with this. Think of your child’s education above what the mums at the gate are like ffs. Who even cares? I know this can be an issue though because I’ve experienced it when my DS started hanging out with someone new in year 1. They’re still best mates to this day and we do favours for one another sometimes with lifts to Beavers camps and such but she interrogated me that day and I felt really uncomfortable. I think she found me acceptable based on my career choice.

@Sartre Well your “friend” cared! You seem to notice that your job gave you status with her. It’s like this everywhere. People judge.

Never said she was a friend… Our DC are best friends and we help each other out occasionally but we don’t socialise at all. I
also said it made me feel uncomfortable, I don’t get off on bragging about my job and actually don’t tell anyone unless asked. It’s usually when they see my title and I have to explain but I don’t go out of my way to do this. I wouldn’t judge a mum who didn’t work or worked in a supermarket but I reckon she might have done had I said either of those things.