Private and state parents

[Privateandstateparents]

I have been struggling to decide state or private for primary for my dd for some time now. One of the advantages of state I was very convinced about was the community feeling (rare in sw London!), parents looked more approachable, more diverse and normal. I have now had the opportunity to meet several parents from both schools I am considering and I am really disappointed. The other mums looking at state seem very concerned with asserting their social status (what prestigious job their parents had, what schools they went to, the loss of benefits above £100k etc) and ask a million questions, more or less subtly, to figure out ours. If/when they figure out that I may be doing better financially, their body language and attitude shifts, at best they shut down, at worse they seem offended. On the contrary, the parents from private engage in significantly more interesting conversations, are more vulnerable/ easy to connect to, hold thoughtful points of view and seem genuinely very respectful of everyone’s situations. Basically the opposite of what I was expecting. How is this even possible? And, more importantly, should I expect the children to have somehow absorbed similar views (and would need to ensure that my dd doesn’t figure out our situation?)

They are clearly important contributing members of society, and given that they can afford the school fees no doubt own very successful businesses. However my acquaintances seemed to be hoping for c-suites and minor nobility and were sadly disappointed.

and that is what I am doing: I value diversity and inclusion and was expecting more of it in the state but it is not the case in our local area. I am sure you can appreciate that there are other requirements to the decision

It really depends on what you mean by “diversity and inclusion”.

Private schools by their very nature are exclusive, in that they have complete power to choose who attends their school. They all limit access by finances and many also by academic ability.

Some will accept scholarship or bursary pupils and some will accept specific types of SEN or ND kids but they aren’t inclusive in broader terms.

Access to state schools are usually limited by catchment area. So anyone of any financial background or an academic ability can access the school as long as they live near by.

You aren’t going to meet low ability children from low income families in a private school but you might even in a pretty prosperous state school catchment.

I have children in both private and public schools. I'm the same parent at both school gates. Do I need to change my personality according to which child I am picking up?

Mine went to state primary and private from 11 until the end of sixth form. Parents at both schools were lovely, always the odd exception but that happens everywhere.

Choose the best school for your child (in your opinion). Look at the education, extra curriculars, pastoral care etc

Don’t worry about the personalities of the parents. They aren’t at the school.

I wouldn’t say “state parents” or “private school parents” are a thing though - there’s not inherent personality trait of being one or the other.

A friend of mine made the move frommstate to private for this exact reason. She was in a state school because she wanted open mindness and community. Which she didnt find. When she moved to our school (private) she was astonished at the village feel amd the sense of community. Mainly the support. Which i absolutely agree with.
it is just our experience of those particularr 2 schools, i dont know them all.

we were is SW London too.

I've got kinds in both sectors - not mich difference between the parents tbh, some are lovely, some are arseholes. Much like life I guess.

You choose the school that’s right for your children, not the school where you get on with the other parents best.

weirdest post ever. I’ve sent my children state and private and I am the same person regardless. You will get generally more educated parents at private school. Stands to reason really. But when it comes to the general chit chat at the school gates no one cares at all. There are nice and weird parents regardless. Honestly I found you are just happy to have people who can have to make small talk to

My kids went to state primary and private seniors. Worked well for them. Private prep seems a lot of money to fritter to me, especially considering my two were the brightest in their new private Year 7 classes. They both said after they left school they were glad they had that mix of state and private (and in that order).

I didn’t consider the parents in either scenario.

I was a state and private parent at the exact same time.

SW London, state school, literally never had any conversations like you describe! I have absolutely no idea about the professions of any of my DC's friends grandparents unless I've had prolonged discussions with their parents and it's come up naturally. No one's ever talked about the £100k cliff edge because it would seem pretty crass, though I imagine lots are affected - but probably because we're all aware enough to know different people have different opinions on taxation! I imagine we're better off than some and worse off that others (but we could afford private school, if that's important for you to know).

Are you sure you're not confirming your own biases? You seem very concerned about other people's social assessment of you, and how "chilled" and "low profile" you are about your wealth.

ETA - it's true that in this area you sometimes get more ethnic diversity in private schools, because recent immigrant parents, who place a high value on educational achievement, and those living abroad temporarily on contracts with multinationals will often use the private system.

What a load of old tosh @Privateandstateparents

Do you only have one child? There are a lot of single children in private school now. I would avoid that as it is a bubble? Unless you think it will help with play dates?

Where I live in London people with 3 kids plus all have to go to state school now even if they are high earners. They have to contribute to uni fees later on as well, houses need to be bigger, holidays more expensive etc.
Might explain it all.
Often there is pressure from grandparents to still send kids to private school and a lot of chat as to why not etc.
From my personal experience, state schools can be better than many private schools.

I am a primary teacher and a mum and have experience of both private and state parents and can categorically tell you there are awful ones and lovely ones in both settings and it has nothing to do with how much household income they have as a family.
the crazy ones do tend to be taken more seriously if they are beautiful and/or rich though

What a load of old tush! You saw a handful of people and have decided that private parents are better somehow.
Worked in the state sector and the private sector for education and can tell you now absolutely categorically that state schools have FAR more diversity ( and competitiveness) than any independent. Ever.
Private parents aren’t looking for diversity, they’re looking for bang for their buck with connections and privilege and lack of competition for tops spots and opportunities.

Your kid though, so do whatever you want with your money.

the youngest will go to school in a few years…not sure I understand your point though

Agree with this. Private is not just for the wealthy. It might just be down to personal choice. To afford private school we downsized massively as we chose education over house. Each to their own.

my bias is that I don’t judge people based on class and economic means and I would not like to be inspected and judged based on it

I respect this

That's a huge leap after only meeting a few parents, OP

On the other hand, my ds goes to a small rural private school. Having met most of the parents of his class mates over the last 7 years, I haven't been asked any questions about income or finances, no-one has discussed benefits or tax cliff edges.

I concluded that most of the parents have sufficient money that they have nothing to prove, are completely unbothered by tax limitations and don't feel the need to compete with others. It comes from generations of always having enough.

They also have the manners not to ask intrusive ill-mannered questions.

DS has been at both state and fee-paying schools. Parents were much the same. Kids also. You sound quite mad and terribly status-conscious.

I doubt the parents you met at an open day are a true reflection of the whole class, the ones engaging are likely a certain type of person and only represent a small section of the class. It took me a good year to get to know all of the parents in DC's class as many parents are too busy to attend these events or stay and make small talk.

I think it’s area dependent, DC went to a outstanding state primary in a largely white, MC commuter village. The micro culture in that area was quite “blingy” which we aren’t at all(!) and DC felt increasingly left out as they got older because they aren’t into football or tiktok dances and skincare. Most parents were pleasant enough but neither DH nor I made any school gate friends because we didn’t ‘fit in’ either.
DC now at private all through school which is only 5 miles from the state primary but totally different culture within the area. There are clearly some seriously loaded people and some who are making massive sacrifices but the overriding vibe is that everyone values education and wants their DC and the school to succeed. It’s also a much more diverse student population.