Private and state parents

[Privateandstateparents]

I have been struggling to decide state or private for primary for my dd for some time now. One of the advantages of state I was very convinced about was the community feeling (rare in sw London!), parents looked more approachable, more diverse and normal. I have now had the opportunity to meet several parents from both schools I am considering and I am really disappointed. The other mums looking at state seem very concerned with asserting their social status (what prestigious job their parents had, what schools they went to, the loss of benefits above £100k etc) and ask a million questions, more or less subtly, to figure out ours. If/when they figure out that I may be doing better financially, their body language and attitude shifts, at best they shut down, at worse they seem offended. On the contrary, the parents from private engage in significantly more interesting conversations, are more vulnerable/ easy to connect to, hold thoughtful points of view and seem genuinely very respectful of everyone’s situations. Basically the opposite of what I was expecting. How is this even possible? And, more importantly, should I expect the children to have somehow absorbed similar views (and would need to ensure that my dd doesn’t figure out our situation?)

My DS is at a private school, both went to state primary.

Parents at the private are MUCH more friendly and approachable.

Also in SW London and I don’t really recognise this attitude you describe…

The description of their jobs and £100k childcare thing… well, those are just normal conversations. Thats how they can afford to live in these areas - they make good money.

There is definitely a sense of exasperation among the people I know locally that the cost of living here is so massive - while then being excluded from eg childcare. I’d be amazed if anyone in SW London earning >£100k was using a private primary school, the numbers just don’t add up.

The ‘private vs state’ conversations I’ve had (and 95% are using state primaries) has been ‘oh my god it’s £30k a year for reception, I just don’t think I can justify it’. These are people earning multiple hundred thousands as a household - who had probably assumed they’d be using private all the way through but have opted out because the cost is so absurd.

I actually don’t feel I meet anyone who ‘needs to prove their status’ - they don’t need to!

Given she’s talking about SW London, they probably still live in the terraced home, it just costs >£1,000,000

Oh, wow! Colour me impressed!

In our state school, there are some families with dangerous dogs at home, marihuana plants, teens who swear etc, unsafe homes. So a bit of interrogation is required before you arrange a playdate or sleep over. That is just a fact of life in some parts of London. Would be rarer in most of SW London though I would have thought.

I was being funny about it - the lives of these people aren’t so far from everyone else’s… in fact the standard of accommodation in a lot of SW London would be considered very modest if anywhere else in Britain…

This whole post is weird. It's like someone came from working class, posing as upper working class and worried that the benefits mums will take offense and ...want advice on how to speak to their previous working class peers?

Yes cos posh people dont swear, own dangerous dogs, take drugs or have 'unsafe' homes

@Flamingojune - so you inferred that from my anecdote about our particular school? I would interrogate everyone before I sent them on a play date. Probably even the Princess of Wales. Does that suit your narrative now?

@Sartre Hence my use of “” when I used the word friend. The minute you use a title you are immediately above other parents - and you know this. People curate friends like them and dc like theirs. Mostly they don’t want the dangerous dog families or ones with drug habits. So everyone filters!

Tbh i'm not even sure what the narrative is, just thought the description of state school families quite funny

That poster said nothing about it being any class of person that has those unfortunate attributes. In our village one of the posher families were barking mad and their house a dirty disgrace even my low bar teenage self was shocked. So no right thinking parent would want their kid going there!

@notnowmaud - I know this is off topic but do you mind saying why you hated private school and won’t send your kids? On the fence about this decision so interested in your experience. Thanks.

Just to clarify, I engaged in numerous playdates, birthday parties, playground chats, coffee chats, school summer parties with parents who are sending children at the same schools by now so I have gotten to know some people a bit more than just a couple of polite exchanges during a 45 mins visit at the school

thank you. I was just genuinely puzzled, but some comments helped me figure out a perspective around people who move down socially and the related insecurities that I had not considered before…

Op I was a state and independent school parent in London. I recognise the dynamic you describe. I had the best group of parents at my childrens state primary, they were awesome but mainly very wealthy and spent lots on holidays. Lifestyle etc. very aware of everyone’s social status.

Independent school parents were actually a bit more varied. Some unbelievably wealthy, lots who were “normal” professionals who didn’t have the top notch holidays but did manage school fees. And a few who had fees paid by grandparents who were professions who couldn’t manage fees otherwise (teachers mainly!).

Every school is different. You’ll find the right fit I’m sure.

Sorry for all my typos. Having a scroll while I shake a headache 🫣

Thank you! Interesting to learn this

They are far less likely to. Surely you can concede that?

I would absolutely not choose a school based on whether I liked the other parents!

Who cares if Sheila and Barbara pegged you as being especially class anxious and shot right for you at the open day to suss up your career status?

Your dc is very unlikely to be besties with their dc. They’ll find their own friends. Choose the school that fits your lifestyle and child best.

Fwiw, I went to private school my whole life. My dc have only ever gone to state schools. You will find the whole spectrum in both. There were some very rough kids in my private school, fights, lots of teen pregnancy and there are some ridiculous posh wallies who couldn’t be more stereotypical toffs in my dc’s schools. My kids gravitate towards the nice normal children with nice normal parents because that’s how we raised them.

@mindutopia DC here don’t find their own friends! Parents get together with like minded friends and usually job status. It’s very very clear that friendships are curated and the doctors dc don’t end up being best friends with the traveller dc. In your dreams!

“thank you. I was just genuinely puzzled, but some comments helped me figure out a perspective around people who move down socially and the related insecurities that I had not considered before…”

I am not sure that is the case in parts of London, in particular. There is a subset of parents politically opposed to private education and another who thinks you only send your DC if they have SEND or not intelligent enough to cope in the state sector. The state sector in London has massively improved in our life time. They all sit the same exams and go to the same universities and extracurricular and cultural opportunities in London abound.

Those who already have large social and political networks really do not need a private school to cement them (they will still get into Whites or the Hurlingham club anyway). So I think the opposite is the case There are parents with vast wealth confident enough in their DCs ability and their social class not to need to send them to private school. Especially in more affluent areas and it is seems a bit of a trend.

@Araminta1003 I see that in our grammar county and no doubt some in London but if you’ve been to Harrow and Wycombe Abbey, dc tend to follow. This is about real wealth, not average London wealth.