Private and state parents

[Privateandstateparents]

I have been struggling to decide state or private for primary for my dd for some time now. One of the advantages of state I was very convinced about was the community feeling (rare in sw London!), parents looked more approachable, more diverse and normal. I have now had the opportunity to meet several parents from both schools I am considering and I am really disappointed. The other mums looking at state seem very concerned with asserting their social status (what prestigious job their parents had, what schools they went to, the loss of benefits above £100k etc) and ask a million questions, more or less subtly, to figure out ours. If/when they figure out that I may be doing better financially, their body language and attitude shifts, at best they shut down, at worse they seem offended. On the contrary, the parents from private engage in significantly more interesting conversations, are more vulnerable/ easy to connect to, hold thoughtful points of view and seem genuinely very respectful of everyone’s situations. Basically the opposite of what I was expecting. How is this even possible? And, more importantly, should I expect the children to have somehow absorbed similar views (and would need to ensure that my dd doesn’t figure out our situation?)

My DS is at a private school, both went to state primary.

Parents at the private are MUCH more friendly and approachable.

Also in SW London and I don’t really recognise this attitude you describe…

The description of their jobs and £100k childcare thing… well, those are just normal conversations. Thats how they can afford to live in these areas - they make good money.

There is definitely a sense of exasperation among the people I know locally that the cost of living here is so massive - while then being excluded from eg childcare. I’d be amazed if anyone in SW London earning >£100k was using a private primary school, the numbers just don’t add up.

The ‘private vs state’ conversations I’ve had (and 95% are using state primaries) has been ‘oh my god it’s £30k a year for reception, I just don’t think I can justify it’. These are people earning multiple hundred thousands as a household - who had probably assumed they’d be using private all the way through but have opted out because the cost is so absurd.

I actually don’t feel I meet anyone who ‘needs to prove their status’ - they don’t need to!

Given she’s talking about SW London, they probably still live in the terraced home, it just costs >£1,000,000

Oh, wow! Colour me impressed!

In our state school, there are some families with dangerous dogs at home, marihuana plants, teens who swear etc, unsafe homes. So a bit of interrogation is required before you arrange a playdate or sleep over. That is just a fact of life in some parts of London. Would be rarer in most of SW London though I would have thought.

I was being funny about it - the lives of these people aren’t so far from everyone else’s… in fact the standard of accommodation in a lot of SW London would be considered very modest if anywhere else in Britain…

This whole post is weird. It's like someone came from working class, posing as upper working class and worried that the benefits mums will take offense and ...want advice on how to speak to their previous working class peers?

Yes cos posh people dont swear, own dangerous dogs, take drugs or have 'unsafe' homes

@Flamingojune - so you inferred that from my anecdote about our particular school? I would interrogate everyone before I sent them on a play date. Probably even the Princess of Wales. Does that suit your narrative now?

@Sartre Hence my use of “” when I used the word friend. The minute you use a title you are immediately above other parents - and you know this. People curate friends like them and dc like theirs. Mostly they don’t want the dangerous dog families or ones with drug habits. So everyone filters!

Tbh i'm not even sure what the narrative is, just thought the description of state school families quite funny

That poster said nothing about it being any class of person that has those unfortunate attributes. In our village one of the posher families were barking mad and their house a dirty disgrace even my low bar teenage self was shocked. So no right thinking parent would want their kid going there!

@notnowmaud - I know this is off topic but do you mind saying why you hated private school and won’t send your kids? On the fence about this decision so interested in your experience. Thanks.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/private-school/5469261-cannot-decide-if-we-want-our-son-to-attend-a-private-school-or-not?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share