Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

You need to protect yourself and your child, he will not do it.

So many posters have recommended getting advice from a divorce lawyer with the aim of splitting finances ASAP.

Unless you plan to do that, I'm not sure what anyone can advise. This man will burn through your savings, destroy you in then process and then likely fuck off with another woman as soon as he can. And it will still be your fault.

This is a man who is about to get sacked for gross sexual misconduct at work, and whose response was to buy a sex chair because you're too upright and in need of a good shag.

This is an abusive, lying, gaslighting cheater. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child.

He says if I was to lose my income at short notice then he’d do whatever he could to support me so I should do the same.

I really don't believe that if you got sacked for shagging your colleague he would increase his hours to allow you some time to mope about the situation. Even now, everything you write is him sharing how he feels. He doesn't care about how you feel. Don't waste your child's security on this loser, you need to break ties with him. I would be telling him that there may be a chance I need to increase hours, but that is because I am now single.

Edited to add, if you were seriously considering this I would urge you to tread carefully. He will be taking on the role of SAHD whilst you will be the breadwinner. This will affect who gets what and the status quo of custody should you change your mind and decide you do want to divorce.

can you move in with your parents?

do not even think about touching your savings and get the divorce paperwork in asap. You need to get off the sinking ship

This!

This!!!!!!!!

Snap. Sexist arsehole.

The thing is @Welshie2 its easy for us to say LTB but not so easy for you in the moment.

A lot of us have been through it, if not the car crash your H has brought, certainly cheating exes and have come out the other side healthier and happier for it. I have never seen a woman on here (or in RL come to that) say that they wished they had stayed with their cheating ex.

Right now you are clinging to the fact that what he says might be true. That it really was just a bit of banter that maybe went too far, and that someone is trying to stitch him up. So if he doesnt lose his job then that will prove he wasnt shagging at work etc, and maybe, just maybe things can go back to how they were. Its scary to think of the alternative of taking apart your life, family, home etc and starting again, I remember that feeling well.

But the problem is that it can never be how it was before. The cake cannot be unbaked. Its happened, you know and saw it all with your own eyes. You will always have that knowledge at the back of your mind. You will always remember that while you were going out of your mind with worry and confusion, he was sunbathing, and planning BBQs and holidays. You will always remember that he didnt bother looking for another job because he was so arrogant, never mind the worry it was causing you. You will always remember how he didnt give a single tiny solitary thought about you, how you are feeling and how this is affecting you. That knowledge, no matter how hard you try to squash it down, will be the gremlin at the back of your mind.

Its so easy for us to forget that this is your real life, it isnt just words on a screen. I think you could really do with some RL support and if you dont feel comfortable with friends you could try Relate or similar.

Take care.

He says there’s a lot of younger men at the company who it could have been she was seeing and that he wouldn’t go anywhere near her especially hearing what she has been upto.

So your husband either works at the sleaziest place going where this woman is basically shagging around (but funnily enough not with him) or your husband is full of shit. You can’t be believing what he is saying? Literally no logic.

OP I think you are getting distracted by his work situation. If you were to take a step back from all this - your husband has been messaging another woman - sexual content. He’s not in trouble at work over this. Honestly I think you should leave him to it. He’s made a massive mess of his life over this woman, he’s given zero thought to you and now he’s expecting you to support him if he is sacked. I think he’s managed to get you caught up in focusing on the threat of him losing his job, rather than him facing consequences of what he’s done to you.

He's preparing you that he's going to lose his job and your job is to support his cheating ass, even to the point of paying financial penalties to access your accounts while he stays at home.

You would be an idiot to go along with this. He is going to drag you down and bleed you until there's nothing left for you and your kids. This is the guy that when things were looking dicey at work and he was facing suspension, talked about taking an unaffordable holiday and buying a totally frivolous purchase, a sex chair. He will spend your hard earned money on bullshit like that and your resentment will grow and grow.

He's one of the dumbest assholes I've read about on here and he thinks you're stupid enough that he can live off your work and savings. That's his slick plan, to live on your back and beggar you until he meets someone else.

This is your sign to get that lawyer consult and get half the money in that account and run. This dude is dumb and untrustworthy and won't be held to account.

Am I remembering correctly that you said he had an inheiritance? If so, he can access that rather than your savings. Plus he can sell whatever c r y stuff he has.

Can I ask OP, what is your goal for posting on here?
You've had 33 pages so far of women who are routing for you, sharing their stories, giving you legal advice, genuinely caring about you.
You are not really acknowledgeing when someone speaks to you from the heart and giving solid advice, you just keep posting 'he's done this now' 'he said this now'.
I'm starting to think you are not real which would be sad if its true and all these women are taking time to try and help.
Your posts are ...odd, just giving snippets of information, not saying what you are responding to these insane situations, talking about his actions like they are not horrifyingly disgusting.
To any normal person we can't fathom why you are even in a room with this person...

If he is sacked you need to walk away.
Hes a lying rat.
even if he’s not sacked I’d be out do there pronto.

He loses his job
Becomes house husband
main carer of kids
Lounge around on your wage and does sweet fa indoors
claims house in divorce with kids and you end up paying him
I think maybe not

If he wasn't on a disciplinary at work, none of this would have come out.

He would have brushed off those messages on the personal phone, just like he is now and OP would never have known about all the shagging at work.

In some ways, it's a blessing in disguise OP. You don't have to go through all the head wrangling of what he might or might not have done, someone else has done all the work for you and presented it in a file.

One less thing to worry about.

Just look after yourself. Make sure you are keeping hydrated in this heat, lean on your supportive friends and family whilst you await the outcome.

He is playing with you.

He downplayed the sexual (and derogatory) messaging with a subordinate. He is now under investigation for sexually inappropriate behaviour not to mention gross misconduct regarding fudging the subordinate's performance appraisal.

... and now that it is (finally) dawning on him that he could be out of a job and that you are considering divorce ... he wants YOU to pay for the consequences of his sexually inappropriate actions:
-you pay for his costs with your savings (despite his own large inheritance)
-you work more hours to cover for him
-he becomes the SAHP - meaning that you will no longer be the primary parent in the divorce and what's more you'll be working long hours to pay support to him/pay his costs

He clearly things you are an absolute fool and will actually believe his nonsense. You need to act fast and initiate a separation to ring fence your money for yourself and your child.

@Welshie2 most of your posts have been along the lines of ‘he say…’ ‘he maintains’… ‘he thinks that….’ But isn’t that all irrelevant given the situation now? The question is what are you going to do? You’ve had some excellent advice on here. I’m pretty surprised you haven’t started getting yourself a lawyer.

This!

Every update I am astounded by the audacity of this man. Oh my god

He wants you to go back to work full-time (whilst knowing you recently had to fight to reduce your hours), whilst he stays at home looking for a job. On top of that he wants you to access savings (that he knows you'll be penalised for) to support his lying arse? Absolutely not.

Your husband needs to start looking for a new job now. What he actually needs to do is resign, and negotiate a pay-off, that might keep you afloat for a while. Of course, he won't do any of the above, because he's arrogant and believes he's 'untouchable'.

His employer, in my opinion has enough evidence to sack him for gross misconduct. A tribunal isn't to 'clear his name' or to 'prove his innocence', it's a hearing that makes sure his employer has followed the law. He's not entering criminal proceedings here!! I don't even think his employer has to 'prove' anything beyond possibility....someone correct me if I am wrong.

Your husband's stupidity and arrogance has landed him in this situation. I bet your bottom dollar this isn't his first rodeo either, it's just the first time he's been reported at work, and caught out by you. He's likely a serial sleeze, and everyone at work knows what he's like. He's probably got away with this type of behaviour for a very long time, and it's made him too sure of himself.

Please protect your finances. Don't let him drain you dry, and then still spit you out at the end. Seek legal advice urgently.

Gosh. Agreeing to support him is a slippery slope, you would need to see what a lawyer says about that too in case you end up having to pay maintenance to him. This isn’t a golden ticket for him to become a house husband. He should be out there looking for a job. He sounds unstable and you don’t know how long he will want to take “the woman’s role”. And whatever you do, I wouldn’t allow him access to joint savings either before you’ve spoken to a lawyer too. I am not sure about just agreeing to split savings 50:50 between you either (per some other suggestions) - again wait to speak to a lawyer, you may be entitled to more.

Good luck, we’re all here for you

Let’s face it - if he stays home he will do no housework and your son will be stuck in front of the tv all day

if you won’t leave for yourself then leave for your son.

how are your finances? Could you rent a one bed? Do you own the house?

I can’t find the article, but Steve Webb wrote in his column recently on this is money. Someone wrote in because they owed income tax on interest they never received. It’s because the savings account essentially pays the interest, then deducts a charge for early withdrawal. So it’s not always a forfeit of interest. In that scenario, the interest counted as income earned, and then an expense paid out. It’s worth reading the small print before making any savings withdrawals as your Dh suggests.

As for going back full time, I guess he skipped the part where he was messaging another women, and now wants you to fund his lifestyle? The AUDACITY.

Sorry op if you fall for any of this, i would seriously judge you. Fucking hell, do not give him access to any of your savings!!!

Beyond reasonable doubt is the standard in a criminal court.

In the UK in employment law, the standard is ‘what is reasonable" which means the employer must have reasonable grounds to believe you are guilty of gross misconduct and ensure dismissal is a proportionate response.

For a gross misconduct dismissal to be legally considered fair, the employer must meet strict standards of reasonableness:

The Burchell Test (Reasonable Belief)
An employment tribunal will not focus on whether you are actually guilty, but whether your employer acted reasonably in believing you were.

To be reasonable, they must:
Hold a genuine belief: Truly believe you committed the act at the time of dismissal.
Have reasonable grounds: Base this belief on logical, tangible evidence.
Conduct a reasonable investigation

So your DH’s plan to fight any dismissal might be unwise. However if his TU backed him that would cover any legal costs. But they only support what will win.

So he expects you to support him financially even though this whole mess is due to him cheating on you?
Are you okay with that?