Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

'Take on the 'woman role'??? Well that's a load of horseshit right there. It's not the 'woman role' it's the SAHP role, regardless of sex.

The first thing he should 'access' is his savings, followed by his inheritance. He created this mess, he can pay for it.

But @Welshie2 , I have to ask. Are you considering staying or is this 'default thinking'? It's a thing we fall into almost automatically, after all we've been 'we' for decades. My DH and I are separated, but I still find myself with default 'we' thinking when it comes to dealing with his 'issues'. What should we do, rather than what is best for me. If you're doing 'default thinking' please be aware of that and work to stop it. It can lead you into decisions that are not in your best interests. Like exhausting your savings when you need to be growing them. You don't need to announce to him that you won't touch your savings unless you want to. For now you can simply nod and say nothing. Just please remember that since he didn't think he owed you marital fidelity, from now on you owe him nothing.

No matter what you finally decide about separating, right now you need to be thinking only about yourself.

I think it's an extraordinarily unreasonable ask from a man about to be sacked for gross sexual misconduct, never mind one whose wife has already told him that she wants a divorce.

His ass should already be out the looking for another role. I understand it's difficult to recruit bin men in my area at the moment, that will do for a start.

He spends his own savings down to zero, then you use yours to support your kids if you have to, but not to support him.

Why are you even sitting there listening to him say he would do the same for you? It sounds like part of you is clinging to a hope he may actually be innocent.

He isn't.

You need every penny. Not supporting his ass when he's destroyed his career with his shinanigans. Cheeky sod.

For goodness sake have some self respect. Kick this piece of garbage to the kerb. How much more evidence do you need. Your being taken for a mug.

the women role of looking after the house

He can't do that though - you need a vagina to do that, obviously!?

I’m going to join the chorus of pps.

i think he’s still lying.
i think he cannot be trusted
i I think he will not do anything of value at home so you will end up working full-time and doing the second shift at home.
i think he will use his status as stay at home dad as a weapon during any divorce settlement and he will threaten for you to lose custody as a bargaining chip
i think he will burn through all your savings
i think he will eventually find another young woman to shag behind your back
I think he doesn’t love you or your child only himself

thats what I think about him and what he says… but what do you think @Welshie2 - can you trust him now?

Personally this is what I think you should do

1. consult a lawyer asap about divorce in these circumstances asap (remember you don’t have to act on it straight away but it would help for you to understand all the implications). Don’t tell your husband until you are ready to act.
2. Calculate your finances as a single mum with potentially no/minimal child maintenance to work out whether you need to work full-time again or not. If you will, don’t do it straight away, instead talk to your employers about a potential change in personal circumstances and a potential timeline for moving back to full time. Right now any extra income from you will reduce your time to deal with this shitshow and also provide your husband with money to burn through so there’s no point
3. get copies of everything financial
4. try not to get drawn into your husband’s work bs. Tell him to sort out his own shit and find a new job.
5. If you can, get him to move out for a bit. I know this isn’t necessarily straightforward but you could frame it as a break rather than permanent.
6. do not compromise your savings interest. Just don’t.
7. whatever else you do, say no to his awful (sexist) plan of playing the woman role 🤢

please @Welshie2 find your anger and be strong for your child. Your husband has screwed up your marriage, don’t let him screw up your life.

As others have pointed out, it would be a massive mistake to let him become the primary carer. Then if you left him, you'd have to pay him! & it sounds like he would just chill in the garden etc, rather than parenting!

Please don't worry about how you'd support yourself alone, as a part-time working single mum. That what the benefits system safety net is there for - you would be supported (to survive, even if not rich) until hopefully he would find another job and then start paying you child support. The long term outcome of that would be so much better for you than his current proposal of you being the breadwinner. Not to mention, you need to keep your dignity.

OP this is from your first thread -

When went through the messages last night there was still some inappropriate ones on there. He said her bum should be announced as the 8th wonder of the world (cringed so badly) and she said about being at the gym and as if she needs to work on her stamina. Eww stuff like that.

He wrote that about another woman. This is the man that stormed out of the house when you went through his phone and tried to gaslight you into believing nothing had happened. He then confessed some things, but was still lying.
He made derogatory remarks about the OW, but initially told he you couldn’t pull a ‘woman who looked like that’ and made you feel awful.
He bought a sex chair without consulting you and then eventually told you he was suspended from work.

He’s trying to get you to go back to work full time to support him while he does the ‘woman’s role’. He will struggle to get another job if he gets fired.

None of this is your fault and you don’t deserve it. Please find your anger and think about how you leave this prince amongst men. You deserve so much better.

So he's had an affair.

Got found out at work and is being done for being inappropriate at work (or whatever the phrase is).

Will lose his job.

Wants the woman he was unfaithful to, to SUPPORT him financially while the process of his shitty conduct plays out at work?

I hope to god this is a fake thread. Because it's got just about every element of the 'men are shit' viewpoint in it. It's enough to induce voluntary celibacy in women that haven't even met him!

He says if I was to lose my income at short notice then he’d do whatever he could to support me so I should do the same.

OP are you seriously believing that if you were sexting with a man at work and sacked for gross misconduct in relation to your sexual behaviour with that man at work, he would use his money to support you?

Really, honestly, do you believe that?

I don’t know about all the legal things but I wonder if he’s a househusband he’d have rights over your pension / financial support if you the divorced. I’d be seeking legal advice pretty pronto if I were you.

@Welshie2 i suspect you are feeling FOG and like you have to “give your marriage a chance”, “support your husband” and all that. Yeah, IF he was really being set up, but he’s not, is he? You found messages which were in themselves evidence that he’s been unfaithful to you. He hasn’t forsaken all others has he? He hasn’t looked after you, he’s played roulette with your home and financial security just so he can get his leg over at work. I’m so sorry lovely, but his mess should not be made your responsibility. As pp have pointed out, he wouldn’t be paying for you to appeal in similar circumstances- he’d have thrown you out already.

As for “woman stuff” words fail me. You’ll be so much happier without this one.

I can only agree with all the other people who have posted OP, you would be mad to even consider his suggestion. End this sham of a marriage, and get rid of the unfaithful git.

Ah, he's preparing to screw you over financially in the divorce that he knows full well is coming, that's what I think.

Get legal advice now. Seriously.

He’s trying to trap you OP. He must know there is a high chance you’ll divorce him after this (which I am hoping is still your plan) so he is engineering a situation whereby you are even more tied together to make it harder for you to walk away.

You either need to start the divorce ASAP and get the hell out of there OR if you have the nerve (and I couldn’t do this) string him along a bit and tell him he must find another job asap and leave him once he has.

I would be telling him tonight to pack and leave TONIGHT he's had it far too easy he obviously thinks you believe him and will let this all blow over.

Do not let him become a stay at home parent!

You will still need to do all the work but he will claim he has been and will need the primary residence and you pay him child support.

Look if you are eligible for any benefits when you separate. I know you don’t want to go full time but you might have to.

You have to make plans to separate. I know this is a faster time scale that you would like but needs must.

If he’s taken on the ‘women’s role’ and is unemployed, are you at risk of having to pay him? Does it increase his chances of becoming the main carer?

Yes, he would be the main carer and if they went on to separate, he could claim CM from OP.

@Welshie2 don't go back to work full time, carry on as you are. Don't use your savings, he has plenty of his own.

Knowledge is power. You need to know your options. Leave him to focus on his work problems and you focus on finding out where it leaves you.

You do need legal and financial advice. Solicitors can usually provide both.

Don't change anything until you have taken advice because you might, in an attempt to be 'fair' or 'helpful' cause real future damage to yourself or your child.

Don't commit to anything. Just tell him that if he loses his job, the onus is on him to find another one.

This.
I would no more trust this lying cheating loser for one minute.

He’d support you financially if you had an affair/sent inappropriate messages, hid a disciplinary, brought sex toys as some sort of weird concession to be nice to you and stashed savings?!
I can absolutely guarantee he wouldn’t…. What a joke!
Sorry I know you have a child with him so are choosing your next steps carefully. I’d be moving into the spare room, popping a lock on the door and staying that way until the house is sold and divorce proceedings underway assuming you are both tenants/joint owners.
His language is also totally misogynistic the bimbo in the office, the woman’s work at home.
If this is a genuine scenario and he has done everything you’ve said, you need to get angry and stand up for yourself.
There is absolutely no way I would be financially supporting his arse, I’d be washing him right out of my hair so fast his feet wouldn’t hit the floor.

Sounds like you've decided to stand by him. It seems irrelevant to him that he caused all this and now is asking you to step up and pay for his mess. Honestly OP, do you really think that he is not guilty of what HR say he is? The evidence is all there and his reaction has made everything worse. The only financial conversation I would be having is with a lawyer to get my ducks in a row.

Can I ask for what people think of this please.

Can I ask what you think of it OP?

He’s about to get sacked for shagging another woman and you’re considering a plan where you give him your savings and he gets to stay at home all day while you go back to work full time? Does he have a golden penis or something because I can’t work out what’s in it for you otherwise.

He hasn’t lost his income. He has thrown your family’s financial security into a shithole because he was an unfaithful disrespectful sleeze.

Why do you have to step up and rescue him from this disaster that was entirely avoidable. This is not him falling ill or a company going bust where you deal with it as a team. He actively and deliberately behaved awfully, completely disrespecting your marriage and you and would have continued to do so if it hadn’t been discovered.

When are you going to start getting properly angry about his utter selfishness. He sets a bomb off in your marriage with no thought to the impact on you and the children, then expects you to solve the problem. You are not on the same team, he made his choice when he behaved the way he did and he didn’t choose his family.

It's actually insane isn't it? Getting sacked for shagging another woman at your workplace. No contrition, no real admission, insulting the other woman, lying at every opportunity.
And then expecting OP to step up and work full time and hand over savings whilst he sits on his arse for how long? Is his affair even over? How could you even be sure?
Pure madness.