Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

I’m lost as to why you’re even entertaining this and haven’t already told him you want a divorce. Multiple other people have literally complied a report of him having an affair at work. If that alone isn’t mortifying enough he’s now asking you to financially take the hit for his numerous mistakes. And you really think he’ll suddenly turn into Mary Poppins?

Nah, he can use his hidden secret inheritance and crack on with the job hunt. Do not let him trick you into making him the primary carer of the kids and put yourself on shaky ground to save his sinking ship. He’s trapping you and then hoping you’ll be so burnt out with the multiple fires around you in home/work that you will gloss over the initial issue of his infidelity. He didn’t give a toss about you or the kids when he was playing around at work did he.

Why on earth would you work and support a man who has been having an affair? Not only having an affair but having an affair and getting sacked for shagging a junior employee at work? He has done nothing except lie. He deserves absolutely nothing.
Seriously? He is deceitful, sleazy and stupid. And your self respect will wither if you stay with him.

OP, you keep saying what he is saying but not what your responses are. It's hard to understand the conversations you are having.

OP, I understand why you've spent the last few days waiting this out as you said it would benefit your future child support money situation from him if he keeps his job, so you needed to hold fast.
However, it's now looking like he'll lose his job, so this changes things. I'm sure it's really hard to separate and start divorce proceedings - it must be awful and feel like your life has imploded. But please see that it would be a terrible mistake to let him use your savings and let him be the stay at home parent while you become the breadwinner for him.
As someone said above - he is saying he would support you, but you can bet that wouldn't be the case if you'd had an affair!
This isn't a normal case of one spouse supporting the other. It's the consequences of him breaking your marriage contract.
I hope you can find strength and do what you've got to do.
Some of the posters here are not really acknowledging how it's not easy to get rid of a partner. I hope someone can give you some practical advice to follow with your next legal steps.
x

Run. Leave. Seriously....he's had an affair...hes getting sacked because of it....DO NOT give him your savings

Not many companies would pay notice pay. He either resigns with immediate effect and forfeits his notice pay to thwart the dismissal or he works his notice period and they sack him in the meantime. There’s literally no upside or requirement to an organisation to pay him for 3 months for no reason.

Do you think you'll be happy if you divorce, he'll argue he's the main carer because he's unemployed, and you'll have to pay him maintenance? You desperately need some good legal advice.

PLEASE get some professional advice, thus may help you think more clearly 🙏

OP you asked what we thing. I think you would be mad. Ask yourself why should you clean up his mess, he had an affair or has that slipped your mind, got caught, may loose his job and his answer is you to work full time give him access to all your savings whilst he sits at home (doing god knows what) You don’t come across as stupid but you honestly would be if you agree to this. Why do you not think you’d be better off on your own (he really has done a number on you).

He says if I was to lose my income at short notice then he’d do whatever he could to support me so I should do the same.

But its not the same, he's caused this and from what you've written he still hasn't apologised to you for his betrayal. Its not like he's had an injury or illness and ran out of sick pay - that sort of loss of income.

This is all his own doing.

If he was grovelling and thoroughly apologetic, wanting to do marriage counselling then I think you could consider a slim possibility of somehow moving forward with him.

But he seems so selfish and taking you for granted. I feel insulted for you that he isnt basically on his knees pleading for forgiveness - that he thinks he can just act the way he does, treat you the way he does with all your updates from thread 1 and this thread.

I've actually been in a long marriage myself and I can tell you that there has been multiple times where we've both wanted to throw in the towel but we've found a way forward and been in marriage counselling twice over the years. Sometimes a long marriage is bloody hard and there are times of crisis, but people do find a way forward in the most difficult of situations.

But he seems like a very unlikable, sleazy and idiotic man with zero emotional intelligence.

Im sorry that you are going through this.

He is being v v unrreasonable expecting you to cover the house expenses while he does the "women role" - what a cretin?

You say he has an account with inheritence, tell him to use that?

I think he will find it very difficult to get a job, the job market is tough at any level and thats without this cloud that will be hanging over him. How is he going to explain this to any prospective employer? His chances are slim.

I'm sure other posters will come along with more support and advice for you too 💐

He’s got another call with the rep and says he will decide whether to bring him in next week as a companion but he needs to be sure he won’t put his foot in it, as he’s probably use to representing guilty parties which he says he isn’t.

He can't 'put his foot in it' if there's nothing damning to say can he?

More likely he has told the rep the truth and is now worried that will slip out or even that the rep is obliged to inform the panel due to the sexual nature of the complaint.

I’d suggest three actions:
1 Book an appointment at a special health clinic- if she is as promiscuous as he is trying to say then you’re at real risk. But if the tests are clear that doesn’t mean he is innocent just that you’ve both been lucky.

2 Book a half hour appointment with a divorce lawyer. Even if you decide not to go ahead you need to fully understand your position and how that would be affected if you follow his plan.

3 Tell him to move out at least temporarily so you can assess your situation. Family, friends ( including the “mate” he had to help the other day - anywhere so you have breathing space.

i know it’s horrible but believe me you and your DC can get through this.

OP please get some legal advice. If you end up going back to work while he stays at home he could get custody of your children and you have every other weekend, paying him child support.
If you know anyone locally who has divorced or separated, see if they recommend their lawyer, a good one could make all the difference.
TBH I'd ask him to leave, file for divorce and tell him that if he isn't fair in reaching a settlement and co-parenting agreement his "silly messages" on his personal phone will be heading to the company's HR department pronto.
You are in a stronger position now than you will be with him unemployed and looking after your children

You need to get some space from him. You’re being drawn into his mess and not having time to actually think about what he has done to you and your family.

OP you need to stop letting him call the shots. A) because he doesn’t have your best interests at heart, B) because he’s making random plans based on his imagined best-case scenario and has no basis in fact for doing that and C) because he’s in cloud cuckoo land thinking he will be vindicated about these accusations and it will all work out fine.

Think about what you want to do, how to best protect yours and your child’s interests (you probably need legal advice) and proceed on that basis. It doesn’t matter what he hopes will happen or how he would like things to go, you need to look after yourself because frankly, he’s not going to.

Or he hasn't told the rep the truth, has got the rep on board, and is worried that the rep will get the full picture if they attend. He can't control the narrative if the rep gets info first hand.

Your head must be all over the place. I know that people are getting frustrated with you trying to support him - that’s because from the outside looking in it’s blatantly obvious who & what he is. However, when you’re in the middle of it & trying to deal with someone using emotional manipulation as a weapon it’s very difficult to see the big picture.

He is playing on the fact that you are clearly a nice person and trying to make you feel guilty about not supporting him in time of need, conveniently forgetting that this situation is all of his own making. You are not abandoning him, he’s already destroyed the relationship. He now needs to deal with the consequences & his wellbeing is no longer your concern.

Trust me, I’ve been there & it’s so hard to think straight. Try to put some physical distance between him and you for now. Speak to people you trust in real life and find your anger. You deserve so much better than this scumbag and one day you will look back on this with the clarity that we all have now & wonder why you gave him the time of day. Sending you the strength to ignore his mind games & walk away with your head held high.

Just start filling in the divorce forms on gov.uk and get the ball rolling. He’s going to lose his job. You’ll feel better if you can take steps towards liberating yourself.

Also, it’s a real blessing to be able to go back full time, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You could have no job at all and be seriously trapped. At the moment you have options, though it feels horrible due to not being your original plan. But you’re so lucky to have this.

This is really important to understand. As long as they can prove that they followed the correct process and that they didn't discriminate against him, their decision will be upheld.

He won't be able to 'clear himself' of any wrongdoing, his only recourse would be to prove that they didn't follow the procedure for investigating, recording, reporting, giving notice, etc. All the admin stuff.

He can't appeal the 'verdict'

Does he understand that @Welshie2 ?

Hahahaha is he for actual real!! Like fuck he would support you if you’d been shagging a work colleague. He’d be telling all and sundry what you’d been doing. All the while you’re here trying your best to think of the future (without him I know but at the moment still unsure when to go) you need to find your anger!! How fucking dare he, he literally fucks around is about to lose his job but his good little wife will stay no matter what and support him while he fucks around more taking this to tribunal if he gets sacked, which he will! I do not know how you’re being clam and you’re letting him take the piss out of you and he knows it

From everything you have shared about him i wouldnt' trust a single word that fell from his lips.
I would urge you to think about what is best for you and your children.
I really don think the answer will be trusting this man in any way shape or form.
It does seem the seriousness of what he has done and its likely consequences is sinking in for him.

Stop letting him play you for a fool and treating this as if it is a joint problem to solve. If you go his proposed route, he gets to claim to be primary carer for the kids. You told him you want a divorce. Remind him of that, and mean it. Go online and start the process. The link is here:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

If he's as selfless as he says - that he would support you if you lost your job - then surely he's selfless enough to use his inheritance money to see you through and not require you to upheave the family dynamics by you having to increase hours at work.
If you're not ready to LTB I'd respond by saying 'you'll find another job in no time, you'll barely touch that inheritance money and no point causing upheaval for the DC or me having to pay charges on withdrawing my savings.' Say if needed you'll reconsider after 3 months hopefully by which time you'll have legged it.