Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

That wouldnt matter if the employer believes misconduct happened, and it seems they have plenty of evidence otherwise they wouldnt have suspended. Suspension really has to be the last resort, despite what might be written in contracts/handbooks about it.

Besides, the second it becomes apparent her job is also at risk, she'll sing like a canary. Not that its needed.

Im just concerned this fool is going to say there are mitigations. There's a very easy and just believable enough one I can think of that he could introduce which would really frustrate the process and possibly get him out of this. I wouldnt be surprised if the union rep (if they are any good) has already "suggested" this possibility to the DH and hes got it up his sleeve 😒

The statement about the union rep being used to defending people who are guilty is bollocks. My union rep is more used to defending the innocent than the guilty, cases tend to be around 50:50 for guilty vs innocent and in the guilty cases the best they can do is mitigation - which looks like his best bet in this case.

Possibly, but OP still hasn't answered the question "Has he always been grandiose and delusional, or is this a recent development?"

His behaviour is uncannily like that of a (female) colleague who had a bipolar episode in her late 30s.

Regardless of whether the sex in the workplace happened (it did), surely you can see what a vile specimen this man is?
His sheer arrogance in the way he’s talking about the case is sickening. Then the absolute lack of respect for your feelings or your intelligence is enough to know that he doesn’t love anyone but himself.
He thinks you’re believing his bullshit and supporting him like the good little wife.

It's all so tawdry. I'm so sorry for you OP

He’s a compulsive liar and all he’s bothered about is winning money and not bothered about his wife one bit sadly. I’d divorce now leave and let him sort his own mess out, alone!

It's also the behaviour of someone panicking because their life is falling apart due to their own actions. It doesn't matter if he's always been this way or not. His life hasn't fallen apart like this before so he may not have displayed this behaviour before.

He needs to start applying for new jobs now. There is absolutely no way that company will allow him to go back to work. They would be crazy to let him come back when there is evidence of sexual inappropriateness. Also the company doesn’t have to show that he did as accused beyond reasonable doubt, the burden of proof the company has to show is much less than that. He will be sacked and he will be sacked without notice or compensation and he will not win in an employment tribunal.

I did too although I didn’t seek legal advice on it because the divorce was amicable. He got half my inheritance but didn’t come after my pension.

i had legal assistance and that decision was made by the judge

It really does sound like they have him banged to rights then and he is in complete denial over how serious this is. It’d be a fool’s errand to spend one penny trying to fight them in court and the best he can probably hope for is a severance package!

What is it? V curious.

Really hope you can get some quick legal advice about separating/freezing any marital assets while you get the divorce ball rolling.

Sounds like he'll have no qualms in dragging you all down on the sinking ship he's entirely responsible for.

You don't need a smoking gun to leave this disgusting man. Especially if he's talking about using all your money to fight his (inevitable) dismissal. I'd recommend you starting to take control of your future NOW, before he fucks it up even more.

Yes, I get that, but he doesn't exactly sound panicked. Panic would be a normal response. He sounds as though he feels invincible.

He may be panicking on the inside, or he may just be narcissistic enough not to. All of this flippancy could well be an act or a mask for the OP’s benefit which is also classic narcissistic behaviour

Yes, all true, of course. But we don't know him, and I was curious to understand whether OP has observed any of these traits before in the life she's shared with him so far.

I'm pretty sick of every arseholes behaviour being immediately thought of as must be mentally ill/neuro divergent/dementia etc. It's dismissive and disrespectful to people who actually have health conditions, many of whom don't display arsehole behaviour. Especially the kind of behaviour that shows reasoning, secrecy, blatant lying, manipulation, verbal abuse and the script of a fucking cheater - none of this is symptomatic of illness.

99% of people behaving badly are just arseholes IMO, there's nothing more complicated about it. Some may have a personality disorder that will never be diagnosed, because they'll never seek help, because they think they're amazing and that everyone else is the problem. But most are just arseholes.

99% of people behaving badly are just arseholes IMO, there's nothing more complicated about it. Some may have a personality disorder that will never be diagnosed, because they'll never seek help, because they think they're amazing and that everyone else is the problem. But most are just arseholes.

Can I pinch this for the intro of my future book/memoirs of a life in HR, please?

No probs 😁 steal away

His rep has refused to represent him because he’s a misogynist victim blaming arse.

Sadly, he’s spinning a huge web of deceit & lies.
Been leading a double life for months possibly years. Who knows what he’s been up to in the past?
If you are tempted to stay for your DC, he really isn’t a good role model. All trust would have been eroded.You would never know when the next suitable arse has arrived. As for the sex chair, I can’t comment, too revolting for words.
As others have said, you need legal advice to protect your half of any joint finances. If there are savings between you, transfer half into a separate account. He is probably talking complete rubbish about spending his last penny. Just another lying smokescreen.
As before, I would urge you to contact any work acquaintance who may be able to give you a true insight into this situation.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Please take the opportunity now to get evidence (photos/screenshots) of your joint financial position and his separately (if you can) so that he can’t screw you financially if you decide you need to divorce him. Take half of any assets you can access now, so he can’t splurge them all on a lawyer.

What industry is he in that’s unionised? Whichever it is, if there’s any suggestion at all that he’s been in any kind of relationship with someone junior to him at work, he’s in really hot water. If she’s admitted the fling in writing, she’s likely to be sacked, so why on earth would she protect him on her way out the door? I’d be very surprised if he isn’t named somewhere or by someone. She’ll also have the message thread between them on her devices, of course, to do what she likes with. If she wants to keep her job, she may use them as evidence of being coerced by a more senior manager who has influence over her professional development.

Have they taken possession of his work phone?

The woman could easily have shown those messages from his personal phone to anyone so they may be aware of them but not put them in the package yet as they might need further authorisation to access a personal phone.

But the package does state that the woman shared messages with another colleague so I think there is a good chance they are aware of the messages on the personal phone.

If he is going to flat out deny everything then they might say they need to make further investigations.

I also would be transferring half of that account. You can't trust him.