Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

I was about to say there will be viagra in his wallet or work bag.

If he's thinking in terms of a tribunal he'll be in for a shock when he sees the waiting times. It could drag on for years.

Yes you should look for viagra / condoms

Have you thought about how to protect your share of the finances before he drains them if this happens?

So you have ‘beyond reasonable doubt ‘

I still have access to our joint account but that’s mainly for bills and topped up monthly on paydays, there isn’t a big sum in there. Our savings are separate, he can’t access mine albeit it’s not a huge amount. I know he has an inheritance untouched in an ISA because I saw the statement a few weeks ago.

I looked around the time I found the messages and didn’t find anything at all.

Suggest you take a copy of that statement. If you do split up that will be viewed as marital assets.

This!

Plus he likely thinks it will show in his favour if he appears to still be a happily married man during the investigation process.

He'll probably keep them at work. My previous workplace sacked a married guy for all sorts of dodgy behaviour and on cleaning out his work drawer found condoms.

He seems very sure that this woman isn’t going to identify him as the man she was talking about. Is that because he met with her the other day when he was “seeing his friend” and she has promised not to reveal it?

There is no way she isn’t getting fired when she’s openly admitted to having sex in the office. There isn’t a reason for her to protect the man she had sex with as it sounds like a causal encounter only done for self promotion. If he was innocent wouldn’t he be encouraging them to ask her? Has he said anything about wanting her revealing who it is?

With his narrative the third party wants him fired and has twisted these messages to imply it is him. But if that’s not the case then surely the OW would confirm who it actually was?

I don’t think he is unwell as others have suggested. I think it’s all gone too far and certainly unplanned as to how he may have thought things would turn out, and he is struggling to put a positive spin on and trying to minimise his participation.

As OP has said he wasn’t planning on showing her the last lot of documentation received.

its out of his control now and he is drowning by his own hand… it’s certainly not the way he thought this would ever turn out.

I agree. I think he is in the panic stage of "lets pretend everything is absolutely fine and then it will all not have happened"

So he says that’s easily explained away.

So having made up one pack of lies to you about failing her probation to get rid of her, he is creating another pack to give to work? Fuck me, but he is stupid.

All she has to do is provide her copies of the text messages you found and there is all the evidence and more that shows he was at the very least engaging in inappropriate 'banter' with a subordinate.

If you are still going along with thisand believing a single word of it, you are either wilfully naive or stringing all of us along. I am not sure which of those is preferable at this stage.

So he’s got no idea about Tribunals as well. Great.

Tribunals don’t judge the decision. They judge whether the process was fair/whether any discrimination occurred.

A few of us have expressed concern that he sounds manic, OP, and you say youself you're not sure you recognise him. Has he always been grandiose and delusional or is this a recent development?

He may want to know that even if he wins (unlikely) and gains a substantial settlement (very unlikely), employment tribunals don’t pay out legal fees. So he’ll be left with the legal bill (thousands).

He would be much better off offering to resign immediately and getting pay in lieu of notice. Then he would probably have a three month buffer while he gets a new job.

@Welshie2

If he's saying he'll 'spend every penny' to fight this I think it's time for you to see a solicitor. It seems like he's got the bit between his teeth now so who knows how far he'll go to prove his 'righteousness'. You need to verify what is and what is not a marital asset and how to protect anything that needs protecting. I've heard both 'yea' and 'nay' wrt inheritances. And if you own/buying your home you need to find out how to protect your share of it against loans and liens. And I'd be very leery about how much I put into the joint account and I'd keep a close eye on the activity. He may well think that a solicitor to 'fight this' should be a joint expense because it 'benefits us both if I keep my job'.

Nah. He's just telling a pack of lies. Doesn't understand employment law, hence talking about "beyond reasonable doubt" instead of "balance of probability", so genuinely thinks he's getting away with it. He's arrogant, so considering not taking the union rep into the meeting with him because he's suspicious the union rep won't fight for his innocence. The rep isn't giving him the advice he wants to hear, is probably saying similar things to the HR reps on this thread about accepting responsibility, being humble etc and he doesn't want to hear it because he thinks he knows best. People like this exist everywhere. There's nothing wrong with them mentally, they're just arrogant arseholes.

I agree with those saying that it's time to ensure that you have 50% of all money, savings, etc., in accounts where he can't touch it OP.

What happened to the chair? Did he put it together, or is it still waiting? If he'd suggested to me in your position that I should start putting it together, I'd have put a match to it.

I hate to say it OP, but I really do think he must be having a breakdown to be behaving like this, and while it must have been awful to discover what was going on when you checked his phone, I actually think it would have been even worse, if you hadn't found out until he had to confess that he'd been suspended and why.

Sending you moral support, and a cyber hug to give you comfort.

OP when he loses his job, don't fall into the trap of paying for everything "because he has no job". He has savings and can pay his share of everything out of that.

Absolutely agree. Hes a narcissist and not a very bright one. He doesnt sound mentally ill. The things he is saying are not flight of ideas or delusional, just stupid and a bit pathetic.

As I said upthread a few days ago - he’s Prince Andrew.

I remember reading many articles in the run up to him finally accepting he was in the shit, (even post that damning interview) where he just wouldn’t accept how badly he came across for exactly the reasons you’ve listed here. It must be a form of narcissism.

There's always a chance but I don't think he's mentally ill at all, some people just behave like this when their behaviour comes back to bite them in the ass. It's just a complete refusal to take accountability for their behaviour and to accept any consequences for it.