Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

He says he’d use every last penny to fight it if it came to that.

I think it's time to take half the money from any joint accounts now 😬

It’s balance of probabilities in civil employment cases not beyond reasonable doubt… so an estimation that it’s at least 51% likely to have happened…

You need to start googling everything he says because he’s either lying or an idiot or both.

👆

Then he’d have nothing to show for it if he lost! As PP have said, get financial advice before he spends all his money on pursuing a case he won’t win! If you divorce don’t give him chance to blow all his money.
He’s in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks this is going to end positively for him.

Yes or ring fence it so he cannot access joint funds without your approval. ( and that includes re-mortgaging).

OMG. He's considering "not" having his union rep attend his gross misconduct hearing because the rep might "put his foot in it"?!!!?? I hope you are speaking to a lawyer @Welshie2 yourself to ensure that this idiot of a husband doesn't flush away your and your DC future. Wishing you lots of strength and support.

He’s off his box. Has he actually forgotten that you saw the messages between him and his colleague on his phone? He knows you know so I don’t understand how he has the audacity to keep banging on about fighting this and clearing his name that.
It’s so dismissive of you and how you feel about all of this.

Oh gawd, please protect your money!
If he is saying delusional things like that then I'd get the messages from his phone and send them to HR myself!
Him thinking he has any chance of fighting back might cost your family their financial security.

Agree. He is extremely unwell OP.

Oh op. I know you must badly want to believe he isn’t the person he now appears to be. But, kindly, one message talking about him lasting a long time doesn’t point to him being innocent. It’s possible he did last longer (I’d imagine shagging in an office is not without stress), or that she was bragging to her mate and didn’t want to say he lasted 10 seconds, or that he took Cilias or viagra.
He is a good actor clearly and he is making you doubt yourself. Please don’t be sucked in to some sort of hysterical bonding situation here. He is not the DH that you, understandably, would like him to be.

My friend was given a solicitors estimate of £35k in legal fees just last week for an unfair dismissal case if it was to fail.
Sounding like immediate separation with a view to splitting assets might be in your interests here. Unless you have a shit tonne of savings….

@Welshie2 can I just ask; has he actually asked how YOU are feeling in all of this? I hear a lot about him and how he's going to do this and that, but what about you?

No he hasn’t really, he’s in his own world with it and too pre-occupied to think about anything else. Although he did repeat about going on a family holiday when it’s all sorted out.

I dont think he is ill, I think he is one of those utterly delusional people who have always managed to get away with stuff and assumes that it will happen again. Usually comes with a side order of a MASSIVE ego with a "Do you know who I am and how important I am?!!!" attitude. He probably genuinely thinks that he is too important to the company for them to get rid of him.

why are you still talking to him about his “work case” and not discussing the root of the problem about his “affair, The way he has treated you, the comments you saw to the OW with your own eyes” it’s all about how he’s been wronged and not about you & how he has treated you. He’s guilt of something but you seem to be more worried about his “dismissal case” than yourself & child. This man has chested on you - does he really not think/see that at all ? Is he just do focused on himself/his lies should be enough to run for the hills. Did you ever get to the bottom of the “friend” he ran out to see? When was he ever going to tell you. Please wake up to this man before he fully destroys you

I can assure you that my child is top of my priority list, as has always been and always will be the case.

He has told me which friend he saw, I’ve no way of verifying if that was true or not.

Check for STD op.

@Welshie2
Are you sure he’s not mentally unwell- he seems delusional? Not just from the cheating point of view, which men will lie to get out of. But the whole let’s buy a sex chair, have a family BBQ, I don’t need union reps, let’s go on holiday.

Or has he always been like this?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hypomania-and-mania/about-hypomania-and-mania/#mania

OP, I get it, it's so hard for you as we can all see it in the cold light of day whereas this is the man you loved enough to marry and have a child with, so you're bound to cling on to any shred of hope that 'he didnt do it' and it's all just a misunderstanding or bad dream.

Sadly, in reality, it is very clear that he has been having a full blown sexual affair in the office. The 'not lasting long' is a red herring. Men can last longer if they really want to, especially if using viagra or something else. There was even the mention of stamina in the texts you saw? Whether it was his or hers, that would imply it wasn't quick.

He is desperately clinging to his lies as he sees them as his only hope to possibly keep his job and his marriage. If he confesses he believes he is likely to lose everything.

The colleague the OW was messaging will no doubt know who OW was referring to even if OW only put 'he' in the texts. She must have mentioned who she was referring to at some stage. Even if it wasn't the other colleague who reported it, if she is questioned she is likely to say the name rather than risking her own role in the situation.

The OW may be in cahoots with your husband and they may have concocted a story between them but it's unlikely they'll get away with it as the evidence seems pretty strong.

No matter what you decide to do, please don't believe his lies as he will then know he can get away with more lies and manipulation in the future.

Has he always been so tone deaf, or is this totally new behaviour? Before this, would you say he was a good husband, attentive? It's just that the behaviour he is exhibiting is so beyond the realm of 'normal' it's really disturbing.

Life 360 would be my bare minimum in this case and a ring doorbell.

I’ve just been reading your updates.
how stressful for you.
I do think something has happened with this work colleague even if it’s not been a full on affair.
his behaviour is enough for you to divorce him.

You should let him know that divorce isn’t based on ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ either