Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

Source; 15 years in employee relations and the landscape has never been less tolerant to his attitudes and behaviour.

And then on his side he thinks he'll be entitled to sue.
He's delusional.

Do you believe him OP?
He’s got a lot of reason to lie, hasn’t he? Marriage, home and job on the line.
If he is telling the truth, surely he’d have some counter evidence to present himself - alibis for the room, messages he’s sent asserting boundaries/shutting things down, rationale for the early and unusual “exceeds expectations” performance grade.
I can tell you see it but no matter what happens with the job, his truly weird levels of immaturity and lack of accountability would be hard to move past even if he was being 100% honest, for me anyway.

I know this will be hard to hear but please go to a sexual health clinic and get yourself tested. If he’s telling the truth there’s no harm done but if not you need to take care of yourself and most things are more easily treated in the early stages. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this but I hope you can feel the support from this group. We are all so bloody angry with him on your behalf!

He sounds absolutely vicious. Of course it's her fault, it can't be his, he's perfect!

Don't believe a word, OP.

It’s head and heart, deep down I think he must have done something for it to have got this far. But then reading that pack, it’s given me a very tiny doubt. I think I’m just overthinking everything, one of the texts to the other colleague was how long it lasted. I know he has problems in that area, can’t last long at all. So it doesn’t add up there. But he’s been behaving so oddly and out of character for him so he’s losing the plot over something which makes me think I don’t know him anymore.

If this is real I'm utterly speechless at his unbelievable stupidity and what he says 😳 It's like he's playing out a role in a sitcom.

Sorry forgot to add to my reply that he said he advocated for exceeding because she was a new manager who hadn’t had reports before and took to the role really well with some challenging people to manage. He says he knows someone who got the same rating before in similar circumstances. So he says that’s easily explained away.

🙄 Riiiiight...

So how does that fit with his initial story that he was going to fail her during her probation?

He may last longer with someone else - or she's lying in that text.

@Welshie2 So to clarify, I think what you are saying is..The woman your husband has been messaging on his private phone has also been messaging a friend at work about ongoing in-office in-working hours sexual encounters with an unnamed man. And she also refers to him promising to get her a top rating.

And by complete coincidence your husband tried to fight for this fairly new average employee to get a top rating. And wasn’t at his desk or in a meeting at the dates/times of these encounters…

i mean, it’s possible that he will get away with it but …
internal disciplinaries are not decided by innocent unless proven guilty but by on the balance of probabilities…
having personally conducted a number of investigations in the corporate world in my opinion he needs to resign asap and hope to god they don’t try to continue the process and fire him during his notice period.

Even in the absence of any further evidence, any relationship with this woman would be an absolute no-no due to the imbalance of power. Best case scenario she has feelings for him and denies it’s him but given her messages she is highly likely to be under a lot of pressure to confess to avoid dismissal… worst case scenario she accuses him of sexual assault and the police are called in.

The fact he’s already looking at gross misconduct suggests a higher risk of the latter scenario.

I’m so sorry you are caught up in this shit show. I hope you are okay. 💐

Not like the other woman to stroke his sad ego if it wasn’t true….oh wait…You’re spot on.

The only person who needs a valuable lesson is the manager who has misused their position of power. The fighting for the "exceeds" rating coupled with her email is pretty damning for him. His attitude towards her - initially telling you he'd make her leave the role, then she needs to be fired and he's innocent (inspite of you seeing his personal texts) - is just atrocious and suggests major flaws in his underlying character. Instead of owning his actions, he wants to make her disappear so he can continue unaffected by his behaviour. I couldn't move past that.

In the interests of helping you to help him keep his job and CV clean, whatever he does, he can’t use even one word of the misogynistic language he’s used to describe her to you at the hearing. He should show full remorse for the inappropriate messages and awareness of how much he’s overstepped his professional obligations etc.

Whether he gets off or not (and from a financial point of view for you, I hope he does), in my experience people like that end up getting managed out anyway as they are viewed as a business risk so he should look elsewhere now (immediately) for a clean start (with better conduct intentions, you’d hope).

From a marriage point of view, I’d bin him off given the deceit and disrespect to you, but easy for me to say. Sending you strength and good wishes x

Or she was bragging or he may have used viagra to impress a younger woman.

Don't forget, he was actually messaging her on his personal phone!

Does he still think he is in for a massive windfall from all of this ?

So he says that’s easily explained away.

like all the rest of the bullshit that drips from his mouth.

What you said about him not lasting long and therefore contradicting her texts can easily be explained away -

you’re assuming this likely OW is honest as the day is long - isn’t that a contradiction in terms? From the way she messages she’s as full of arrogant crap as your husband, would she really be bragging about shagging her superior and saying he was shit in bed to her mates?

He could have got hold of a stimulant to help in that dept - maybe also explains his change of mood and general delusional behaviour

When in doubt remind yourself of the timeline OP. Suspicious behaviour, you check phone - sexual messaging - denial and over reaction and absence - return and minimise and blame the woman - tarnish her character - go from saying she’s working under him less to you finding out that’s a lie - saying she was crap and he could easily get rid of her - to you finding out that he was recommending her for the top mark in the appraisal and him then saying she’s a great worker actually - to saying she shags her way round the office BUT NOT HIM etc etc etc but you need to believe him THIS time bc despite you rinsing out the lies pre to this , THIS TIME he’s actually telling you the truth and why wouldn’t you believe him? Yeesh. Also the catalyst for all this coincided with you discovering these messages - what are the odds?

Is she actually accusing him or is this a Co worker? Has she denied it or is she admitting this happened? Him ‘helping this ‘friend’ he couldn’t possibly name as it would be betraying a confidence (HOW if he said he was helping Malcolm - and didn’t say anything else so that betraying a confidence? It’s bc he doesn’t want you checking with Malc obviously).

Dont doubt yourself OP. If he hasn’t had sex with her his grotesque messages to her (he admits to sending) surely shows you how he views you and your marriage. He’s repellant.

He said even if he was fired without pay then there’s no way a tribunal would agree that the decision was beyond reasonable doubt so he’d be laughing all the way to the bank in his words. He maintains there’s no chance he is fired, he’s very blasé now. He’s got another call with the rep and says he will decide whether to bring him in next week as a companion but he needs to be sure he won’t put his foot in it, as he’s probably use to representing guilty parties which he says he isn’t.

Beyond reasonable doubt 🙄

IS he really talking to his union rep tho?

He sounds bloody delusional. It’s probably a sock puppet from his bottom drawer.

He's clearly having a breakdown or a manic/psychotic episode of some sort...

He’s either an imbecile or unwell. Or both.

I mean he’s wrong there but for your awareness unfair dismissal/constructive dismissal etc cases take AGES to settle typically (over a year isn’t uncommon if your employer will defend it) and if you don’t succeed you’re looking at thousands in legal fees (I have friends who have been on the sharp end of this with much stronger cases, on paper).
He needs to start job hunting in earnest, for contingency if nothing else.

Yes this! I was made redundant last year, alongside lots of other people (not dismissed!), but it was handled really badly and some colleagues chose to go to court over it - it took nearly a year and was costly and even then, there’s no guarantee you’ll win.
Its the same for unfair dismissal cases - they take ages, you are likely to need a lawyer, which is not cheap, and, even if you have a strong case (which he doesn’t) there’s absolutely no guarantees.
As I said previously, they may offer him a payout now to get rid, but they may not. Can he afford to fund a lawyer for months?