Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

There are two possibilities

he and the colleague are still an ‘item’ and he’s promising her the moon to stay as quiet as possible

shes going to try and save her own neck and throw him under the bus by saying he took advantage of her

The absolute arrogance of him. And his mate thinks he has a case against them?
It is amazing to me how men behave in these situations. Complete denial, lying to the wife, denying everything to do with the woman, and think they are cleverer than anyone.
Why you think you can beat technology I’ve no idea.
And this young woman has got to face her parents. Not that it’s OP’s problem but she’s ruined her young career already.

He says he will ask the messages to the third party are thrown out

He doesn't get to do that. I mean, he can ask but they will say no.

The phone that he was messaging her on when he was talking about you OP, is that his work phone or his personal phone?

This is really awful from him. I don’t think he’s considering the fact that they have probably interviewed her and she may well have said she was coerced and/or offered a payrise / the promotion / exceeded grade.
The problem in all of that is, even if it’s her word vs his, he’s her manager and he fought for an exceeded when she didn’t deserve it. The Teams messsges back this up.
Best case is he gets made an offer to leave quietly. Worst case is he’s fired.
So sorry OP - look after yourself, you deserve so much more.

Word for word this.😂
He sounds as thick as mud.

You poor woman.
Ditch him ASAP.

He hasn't a hope of getting out of this.
HR dont initiate grievances like this without thoroughly investigating it.

She will likely save herself and say she felt pressure from him, aka coercion, which puts the company in a shit position as he's her manager.

Highly Highly unlikely he will survive.

Thrown out? It's not a court case. He really is thick isn't he.

He's also lied on top of lying. Why did he say he could get her sent back to her previous position so he wasn't managing her anymore, if he'd already pushed for exceed?

They only have to reasonably believe this happened. Despite his denials. I've got a feeling she will confess to save her skin, in which case he's fucked.

Don't take on his embarrassment for him OP. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to be embarrassed about. When I left my ex I initially had a moment of twisted thinking where I only told a few people "in case we stay together, because then everyone would know and judge him". With hindsight I can see how messed up that was, because if I have to keep secrets about someone in order for them to appear outwardly acceptable to others and in doing so sacrifice myself by diminishing my own support, then that's a clear indication I shouldn't be with this person anyway.

OP doesn't need to leave him/kick him out straight away. That's going be a very daunting thought and not really practical at the moment.

Not only is she finding out about him being at risk of losing his job but also she's discovered that he's been cheating on her and that he's a sleaze to boot.

He is offering her no support and is just continuing to lie to her.

That's a lot to take in.

💯 this! It's not a mental breakdown, it's desperation.

How many times do people say the most ridiculous things and instead of scoffing and saying "Oh please! You really think that's going to happen?! Grow up", people instead make non committal noises or suggest to remain confident until they've had the results or agree that whatever they're saying is a possibility (because technically almost anything is a possibility)?
Happens every day, in conversation with kinds of people, up and down the country. Our culture is built upon being polite and tactful and diplomatic.

Just because he's saying his rep thinks this or his friend agrees with that, doesn't mean those people are in agreement with him, just that they're not outwardly saying "FFS mate what were you thinking?! You're screwed!".
Especially in the case of a close relationship, sympathising with their perceived victim status keeps the relationship intact, refusing to back them up then saying I told you so, doesn't.

So basically what he's saying is not that he didn't do it, but that the evidence is 'inadmissible'. "Acquitted on a technicality" is still guilty IF you actually did what you're accused of. And sounds like he did.

It was his personal phone, but those messages aren’t in the pack sent to him today.

You could try getting full financial disclosure from him otherwise threaten to send those messages to his company 🫠

You could send the screenshots to his HR department 😈

💯 This! I kept my ExHs many affairs secret for years because I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t a good enough wife! I also clung on to my marriage to him because I didn’t want my parents to have 2DCs with broken marriages (my DSis had left her first H for someone else). I was so messed up and only realised how silly I’d been when I told him it was over after 22 years of marriage. The amount of support I got from friends and family was overwhelming- no one criticised me for ending it. Far from it, they were all cheering! Everyone hated the way he treated me and were willing me to find some gumption and tell him to go.

Jesus. So sorry for you OP. What a prick.
And yes, as a manager myself, he will be fired for gross misconduct - I’d have to question his intelligence if he can’t see that, really. He should be all over interviews right now for other jobs in the hope it hasn’t landed yet.
Has he at least given you the respect of the full truth in terms of the extent of his relationship with her to date? He’s not insulting your intelligence by continuing to lie when you’re literally reading the hard evidence to the contrary?

The fact that he was her manager puts him in a weaker position too. There was a power imbalance and firms are very aware of the idea of managers using their status to pressurise their staff members.

There is no standard list of what constitutes Gross Misconduct, it is something so serious that the company cannot continue to employ you and usually examples are given in policies and handbooks.

The process has to be fair and reasonable but it is not a legal process. He is also being naive if he thinks he can exclude docs that don’t explicitly name him if it is clear that it couldn’t be anyone else. Who else could suggest a rating of Exceed for her but him for example. If he was the only one then it is a reasonable inference given the wider context.

His relationship with his employer has gone. Even if he manages to wangle it down to serious misconduct his reputation is shot.

Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from the fallout

What he’s saying to you 100% reflects what HR people hear from misogynistic idiots all the time.

Evidence being inadmissible and the silly court room language tells me he isn’t accepting how serious it is and how the process actually works.

I’ll be amazed if he’s employed by the end of the hearing process.

Also sounds like he is underestimating the role of the hearing and investigation manager.

They will likely have had extra input from others and will have had time to prepare questions based on the info in the management pack.

So it will then be up to him if his answers to these questions are lies and whether the manager can tell he is lying or if he gives himself away with contradictory info.

When he is telling you this is he even remorseful to your face has he apologised? I really feel for you this is horrible you seem like a very smart woman though you are going to come out of this and have a fab future

He maintains nothing has happened physically and what he calls the silly messages are all there is. He says there’s a lot of younger men at the company who it could have been she was seeing and that he wouldn’t go anywhere near her especially hearing what she has been upto. He thinks she has to get fired and it will teach her a valuable lesson.

‘After what she has been up to!’
It gets worse.
So he’s an innocent bystander and she’s the office siren.
Beggars belief.

He’s deluded - I wonder if he believes the story he’s dreamt up

i hope for your sake he can get a settlement but it really doesn’t look good

Then why have they chose to 'pick on' him

@Welshie2 I'm sorry but are you actually buying any of this? I'm speechless!

The messages are enough to get him fired. Especially with the change in legislation to protect workers from sexual harassment.

If he takes this sexist victim-blaming idiocy into the meeting he’s going to find himself down the job centre.