Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

It’s not that interesting-where is she going to go? With a child? If anyone is leaving it should be him shouldn’t it?
it doesn’t look great does it? From either a conduct at work or a marriage perspective. I can’t fathom how he has still sought to deceive you on the timeline and extent of this and has continued to act in such a blase fashion, proposing BBQ’s whilst still lying through his teeth. It’s a Madness.

Im so sorry OP. This is just shite on shite and it must be bloody awful.

I’m so sorry. This is never undertaken lightly, they have very good reason to pursue this and the messages don’t exactly cover him with glory.
He’s in denial about his behaviour, accepts no culpability or responsibility and is living in cloud cuckoo land if he doesn’t think he’s in serious trouble at work and at home.
Tale care of yourself and your child now, prioritise the two of you. He needs to fess up, show full accountability, sort himself out and move out until you can see any kind of change or remorse, or if you’re absolutely done, he needs to move out and stay out. You get to call the shots now, not him.

If he goes in there with this level of -bullshit- bravado he’ll be out of there before he has properly sat down.

I’ve seen people come back from the brink of dismissal but that has never been without a fuckton of honest reflection, humility and accountability for the mistakes made. Mr Big Bollocks is on a hiding to nothing here.

@Welshie2 I'm truly so sorry, you don't deserve any of this shit show! Please, take some time and space away from him, make him leave for longer to get some clarity for yourself. What does exceed mean?

Exceed is a scoring on an employee’s appraisal - exceeds expectations

It’s performance ratings eg:

Fails to Meet: The employee needs improvement plans or close supervision and/ or

Needs Improvement
Meets Expectations reliable performance
Exceeds Expectations

@leopardandspots @Lizchapman omg!!! That's beyond disgusting!!! 🤢

I’d expect that alone to add up to gross misconduct tbh

Absolutely. I just can't fathom the way he's behaving, it really beggars belief. The way he's treating @Welshie2 is absolutely abhorrent. She deserves so much better!

No argument from me 😔

So he was lying to you when he said this

He did say that the woman is in her 6 month probationary period for that role, so he could try to engineer this being ‘unsuccessful’ so she returns to her prior role

because he was already advocating for this

The pack says that he argued for an exceed in the calibration meeting and no one could understand why as there was no evidence to support this rating when the person was quite new to role.

has he shown any compassion for how you must be feeling reading this or is he still thinking you have no right to be angry. His attitude is awful really awful I'd be telling everyone what he's done and how he's risked his job

Especially coming after a comment about why she hasn't picked up a task, he's basically saying she's incompetent due to what she does in her spare time and the comment sounds like jealousy about if she's seeing someone else. If she's claiming harassment at all, this comment of his backs her up. Could also be viewed as alluding to what they both got up to together at lunch. Either way it's not good.

Definitely crack on with the information gathering OP. He's trying to brazen it out, acting like it's all going to blow over both at home and at work. So you've got a head start on him. Sounds like they have a plan to fire him and you should know the results soon. If there's any joint debts or your own debts, I'd use joint savings to get them paid off ASAP before taking your half of the cash. Otherwise he sounds deluded enough to end up spending a ton of money on taking this to a tribunal, pointlessly, and there'll be less to share around in the divorce.

Bloody hell OP. I really wish you some nice things in your immediate future!

This is horrid for you, @Welshie2. Whether they'd actually got round to shagging or she was stringing him along, it's blindingly obvious that you're married to an absolute sleaze. He's been pestering her in a sexualised way, he's abused his position for 'favours', he's been derelict at work and has lied through his teeth to both his employer and you.

What a load of crap to get your head round 😢 You have been massively betrayed, and I hope you're feeling angry. If you haven't told people yet, please do it now! The more moral support you have the better, and I'm pretty sure you'll need someone to let you rant over a bottle of wine and/or cake.

You sure as hell didn't deserve this. I agree with PP it's time to move swiftly to secure finances, to protect yourself & DC.

I agree with a previous poster with 20 years' HR experience. I have 30 years' HR experience (specifically in employer relations so I have dealt with literally hundreds of disciplinary cases). If his HR department are worth their salt, both he and his work colleague will be dismissed for gross misconduct. Employment law doesn't require an employer to be prove anything beyond all reasonable doubt (this is not a criminal case) but merely to have a reasonable belief that misconduct occurred and for dismissal to be within the range of reasonable responses - which it is. If she was the more senior employee, then she is in far more trouble than him due to the power imbalance but it isn't good for either of them. Be prepared for him to be dismissed for gross misconduct with no notice or pay in lieu of notice. Forget redundancy pay - this is not a redundancy situation. I'm so sorry OP. Rid yourself of this man.

There is no CCTV mentioned, he maintains he is being set up and is going to fight it and the rep says he is confident he will not be fired as there isn’t enough evidence for the independent manager chairing it.

Ah, the 'I did it but you can't prove it so I've won' defence.

@bigboo OP has confirmed he manages her.

He has confirmed it’s the colleague I caught him messaging. He manages her and has done for longer than he previously said. I asked how on earth he intends to defend himself given the damning detailed evidence pack. He says he will ask the messages to the third party are thrown out as he is not named in them and from his research they aren’t admissible I think was the term he used. He said they’ve got nothing on him when you break it down to the bare facts.

I have told a couple of very close friends who are being really supportive. It is embarrassing to tell family to be honest and I feel like I want to know the outcome to better understand it.

the rep says he is confident he will not be fired as there isn’t enough evidence

This is the thing OP. Did the rep actually say that? Have you seen or heard the rep say that.

Because your DH is putting a positive spin on everything and going loopy in the process because he knows that he's done wrong and he knows he's going to be fired.

He bought a sex chair, he suggested booking a holiday, he celebrated being off work, he suggested a bbq - all these are desperate, absolutely desperate attempts to look nonchalant.

So if he is telling you the rep said he won't be fired, that is just another lie.

I think you need to ask him to leave giving you time to concentrate on your self and child. He is not showing any remorse or respect for you. It is all about him does he not understand he has fully brought this on himself or even that he has done anything wrong. For your own mental health get him out as he will never take responsibility for his actions or put you/child first it really is all about him. Even if he is “being set up” (which noone can possibly believe)he can’t possibly think his actions have been innocent. Does he really believe that you will just support him/fall back into line when/if he’s not sacked. Does he think his feelings over his “heinous” behaviour trump yours and all should go back to normal. Has he always been like this ?

He’s watched too many court dramas.

They only need to believe he did it on balance of probabilities, 51% v 49%, not beyond reasonable doubt.

They’ve checked his office attendance, and the times his computer was inactive against her swipe card data for the room in question. They’ve seen messages between the two of them. They’ve seen other messages it’s easy to draw links to being about the same person. There is no doubt more - witness statements etc.

HE’S FUCKED. (Technical term.)

Presumably, they will also question or will have already questioned her, and she's probably quite likely to confirm?

“From his research they aren’t admissible” presumably means he asked ChatGPT, because that’s bollocks. They can take into account whatever evidence they want to. We’re not talking about a murder trial here.

@ItTook9Years I just laughed out loud. Your technical term just about covers all bases I think and is far more likely to be what the rep said too. He hasn’t even considered why they think (know) it’s him. If it’s that inadmissible and vague and you can’t tell who on earth it is, they must be Derren Brown to have landed on him as the prime suspect.