Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

references these days are usually limited to answering questions asked to limit potential liability. All references I’ve seen in the last few years ask about disciplinary action or investigation.

He's probably got reputation and nobody is very impressed with him so maybe the union rep is doing their job but bare minimum.

I’m a hearing manager at my workplace and yes the policy is to arrange everything asap.

Jesus op im so sorry this is happening. Has he actually had his investigation meeting yet?

The company will still be in the investigation stage, so won't know all the evidence until they've finished that.

They will have stated what the allegations are, and the decision to suspend the person or not depends on the type and severity of the allegations. The investigation will ensure that all sides can be covered in detail so a fair decision can be made.

Once the investigation is completed and the report written up, it will be sent to the person, and their Union rep if involved, as well as whoever commissioned the investigation.

Thats the thing, I dont understand how the DH knows so much if its just at investigation stage.

Legally, if they don't want a tribunal, they have to disclose way before any discussion the evidence they have

I think I know 😂

Nope.

This is nonsense.

He will be interviewed, usually after withesses, and there may be additional evidence to gather after that. It’s a process.

He does not have to be provided with all evidence prior to an investigation discussion, there can be more than one discussion. ACAS has a lot of guidance for the investigating officer, whose job is to look at the allegations from all possible directions.

He has been emailed a pdf evidence pack today, the whole thing has been going on for weeks and he has kept it secret from me and then not told me the full extent. He has a hearing next week set at gross misconduct. He has only let me view the pack after much argument and me saying I’d walk out and not come back if he kept it from me.

There is a load of redacted messages, some sent by his colleague to a third party and some which are unredacted which are him and a colleague whose name is crossed out which look to be on the Microsoft work messenger system. The messages sent by colleague to the third party allude to meet ups in the work room, one of them says he is only going to be allowed near my bum if he gives me an exceed rating. The pack says that he argued for an exceed in the calibration meeting and no one could understand why as there was no evidence to support this rating when the person was quite new to role.

The messages he sent are like why aren’t you picking this task up, oh you must be tired what were you doing on lunch. There are 8 occasions she messaged the other colleague to say about that room and they are all days my husband was on site in the office, and his computer was inactive at certain points.

There is no CCTV mentioned, he maintains he is being set up and is going to fight it and the rep says he is confident he will not be fired as there isn’t enough evidence for the independent manager chairing it. I feel quite sick having read everything and told him I need space so he’s gone out and said he will come back this evening.

Well that's pretty damning evidence isn't it.

Did he have the bbq?

@Welshie2 Sending you so much support. I'm sorry you're having this awful time.

That must have been awful to read. Sorry you’re going through this. Does he seem even slightly remorseful yet?

The arguing for an exceed is bad - it means others he manages won’t trust him and other managers will see him in a new light. His reputation is shot and if he manages to cling on he should start job hunting

I'm so sorry you're going though this OP. You're dealing with this with such dignity.

Somethings still not adding up op. Hes only just been suspended (i can only imagine this means something even worse has only recently come to light) , but its been going on for weeks, meaning he must have been messaging her whilst knowing this was all under investigation too.

With the suspension happening only recently, but investigation gone on for weeks, I reckon something else has happened and as the bar for GM is quite high, they are holding something back to build on a final written warning to go to dismissal. Its one of the only explanations for such a strange sequence of events and timeline.

oh you must be tired what were you doing on lunch

This is damning. I'm so sorry. 💐

He's so full of shit and whats somehow more insulting is he thinks you are so stupid you will believe his bullshit

So he is still lying to you, by omission of having not told you how long this has been going on for. And then reneging on having said he would share everything until pushed.
If he thinks he is being set up, why? Why would someone be doing that? It doesn't make sense.

@Welshie2

Well to me the issue of 'evidence needed to sack from job' vs 'evidence needed to sack the marriage' are two different things. They may not have enough evidence to sack him, but you certainly do!

I agree, you need space. But definitely more than just until this evening. If I were you I'd tell him that you want him to leave for 2 weeks and not to contact you as you need peace and privacy to think things through. This will give you time to consider your future carefully. To gather financial documents and see a solicitor about how divorce may affect you and to create your 'exit plan' if that is what you decide.

You can do this. 1000s of women have been there before you, 1000s of women will be there after you. You are not alone.

Again, this situation is escalating & not in a good way.
Wondering where your DC has disappeared to today??
As for Gross Misconduct…. I hope you’re seeking support from family & friends & not keeping his ghastly goings on a secret. He deserves no protection.

You can't control what happens to him at work. You just have to look after yourself and your child now, come what may.

Doesn't sound like he'll be in a job much longer. The arguing for an exceed rating because they're clearly shagging is awful. Can't see he can come back from that.

And as they're going for gross misconduct, they'll be no payout and no reference.

You don't want to be paying out of joint assets for legal representation if that's his next plan.

Interesting that you didn't walk out and not come back. I guess he learnt today that you won't, so he might be feeling quite secure in his position right now.

Presume the friend he's seeing and working out his master plan with is her?o

There's more than enough evidence there to sack him. He's forgetting that it's not 'beyond reasonable doubt' it's 'balance of probabilities' ie is it more likely it happened or more likely it didn't. Only someone utterly deluded would look at this and think it's unlikely to be true.