Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

We are told she is Black British. There is much vague information about the daughter reconnecting with her heritage but nothing concrete has been stated. Much of the comments are just conjecture, guesses or suggestions. And, as some including me, have said without his side of the story we won't know exactly what has caused this problem.

NC for this

ypu are black British- so not much real experience of Africa. You have visited SA.

dh sounds dramatic.
the way you have worded this sounds dramatic.

surprise surprise: I agree with your DH.

i am black. DH English. Have travelled to safe African countries and other. Not way would I agree to your trip.

you seem to use distance as his reasons for not wanting to come. Why not eu country as he suggest for this year, and revisit Africa idea following year.

No OP has said nothing about anyone reconnecting with any heritage.

My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

and…..

I want to visit a very safe African country that I have no heritage too whatsoever

I think it was posters assuming she wanted to go to wherever her family is from and that theory just ran and ran. But OP did not say it.

Agreed.

You know what would make it cheaper? Going without him!

What in the actual ......sorry what .do you mean you don't believe in mixed cultural / mixed ethnicity relationships ....
Holy moly .

OP said it’s a random (to her) country.

You missed the important part of that quote…

….with people who aren’t actually going to embrace the other person’s culture…..

🔍🔍 for where you got that from

If you’re not visiting the country of your heritage then it’s just a normal tourist holiday? In which case, I think as a family, you ought to try and find a destination that you can compromise on visiting together.

Are his reasons related to taking unnecessary risks and compromising safety?

There are dodgy countries my DH wants to visit that I don’t want to go to so we discuss and find places that we can both enjoy. I had a scary experience in Phnom Penn, Cambodia and now I refuse to travel to anywhere I consider overly risky. I’d be happy for him to go on his own wherever he wants to but I’d also put my foot down about taking our teen DS with him. DH tends to wander off the beaten track thinking he’s some kind of explorer and I wouldn’t trust him to be able to keep DS safe.

It is an extreme reaction. Did you have a row beforehand? He clearly wants to go on holiday with you and your daughter. Is there no way you and your daughter could go to Africa separately but organise a main family holiday first with your husband? If it’s a joint holiday it is better if it’s a destination that everyone likes.

Going to Africa is quite scary for some Europeans who dislike flights....you also want to take the child without him if he refuses to come....but you cannot do this to your child if her father refuses....so either you respect your husband's wish or divorce

But he obviously doesn’t dislike flights if he wants to go to Vietnam. I would rather take a flight to South Africa than Vietnam at the moment!

Fully agree, the man's beyond unreasonable. It sounds like he doesn't much want to stay in the marriage - and who on earth would choose to stay married to a spouse threatening to end it? He thinks having him as a husband is worth a sacrifice! I say call his bluff and follow through, OP.

Unlike many PPs, I have read all of @KiggiCalli's posts and know that [a] she's black British, [b] it isn't South Africa, and [c] she doesn't attach her personal heritage to the proposed holiday country.

Being 'black' in a majority 'white' country's a very different experience to being in a majority 'black' civilisation. I've done it the other way round a few times as a pale-skinned visitor! I would also feel it's important for the DD to immerse herself in a culture where she is NOT in a minority, and probably to start gaining perspective on her place in the world.

A 'black' friend of mine was a war orphan, adopted into a European 'white' family. She has no idea who her genetic parents were. It's likely they were part of the global diaspora so she can't tell which part of Africa they may have ultimately originated from.

She's been to Senegal a few times: as a massive slaving hub in the bad old days, the country attracts many roots-seekers from around the world. She loves it there. She's made many friends, and has now found an 'African' cultural community locally. After briefly considering a move to West Africa, she chose to stay in her home country while investing more effort into the cultural activity.

These are the kind of discoveries and choices OP's daughter deserves to make. It starts with the first visit.

this was one whole made up saga. The child is half white....and probably too young to think exactly as you described it. Mix raced black-white British kids are exclusively culturally very British and prefer being here

So OP, you are telling your husband that you are taking your half white child to a random African country to see the rest of her race and culture??? There are many African countries and your logic is bonkers.

It's not made up 😂 Most people with enslaved ancestors have mixed heritage including 'white'. Mid-teens are the ideal time to start discovering various aspects of your cultural background.

I'm sure she's culturally British. However, her experience of being British will be different from mine because of her skin colour.

Some people are more interested in their ancestry than others. I don't give a fuck about mine but one of my sisters feels very involved with it, has done loads of DNA analysis and genealogy, has learned Welsh and spends her holidays visiting sites of Celtic importance. You can't decide how much you care about your heritage if not given the chance to explore it.

@Zov Not all couples completely blend their money though. Yes, I know it would be viewed as one pot in a divorce, but day-to-day, many couples maintain multiple "pots", both joint and individual. My DH, for example, spends some of "his" money on his hobby and I have no idea how much he spends. I also spend money from my individual account. I'm about to take DD on a mini break, for example, it's from my account and he has no idea what I'm spending.

I'm guessing this is the case for @KiggiCalli's holiday. She won't be using money designated as "joint" for this trip.

Tried to take my DD on a road trip from Wales to the Cotswolds to see her cultural heritage but she told me she’d rather die. We went to Center Parcs instead 😂

This is about as ignorant as an American saying they won't let their 18 year old travel to Central Europe because they've seen Taken.

It's like you read my thoughts!!

it's not your or your daughters fault the wetwipe doesn't like long haul.

tell him the family CAN holiday together, he just needs to get over himself.

You should both have discussed stuff like this before having kids-seriously, it's too late for this one, but anything that's a deal-breaker for one person (like how many kids you'd like, who is going to work, how you'll divide the chores etc) needs discussing, so first, I'd say give yourselves time to talk over anything else that might be an issue.
Therapists say if there's disagreements, it's two "yeses" and one no, so if a couple disagree about something one of them wants to do, then you don't do it. But that's only what Slate etc say, so no one is bound by it, it's just one way to go if you like.

Are holiday makers generally abducted in the street for FGM? That's not my understanding of the (barbaric) practice.

Why does she need his permission? She's married, not owned. She has her own money...

This.