Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

They're a married couple. It's not her own money - it is joint money/family money.

There would be an outcry if a man wanted to tootle off to a country almost 9000 miles away for a expensive holiday, because it's HIS money to do what he wants with.

The OP's husband has every right to veto this trip.

Threatening divorce however? Weird as fuck. I have to agree with other posters that you both sound stubborn and contrary @KiggiCalli

100% not true, the op can’t take her daughter out of the country without her husbands permission

My daughter in law is African, and there would be zero point in her visiting a different African country to the one her family are from as the lifestyle, traditions and customs are all completely different. There is no learning for your daughter and it looks to me that you're taking her just to see a country full of black people which is something that I have a significant amount of discomfort over.

This is a load of tosh! There's learning everywhere for people who are open to learning.

My daughter has no Kenyan heritage, but visited a couple of times because I have friends from there. She's not only learnt a few Swahili greetings, but her online pseudonym is the Kenyan name they gave her.

There's nothing wrong with learning the culture of others, or being in a place surrounded by other black people, FGS.

Yes he would need to give permission

I agree that families should go on holiday together, but it seems very unreasonable for him not to agree to go on this trip. I can understand people not liking long haul flights, but most African countries are not particularly long haul compared with places like south America or Australia, and there aren’t the same jet lag issues as some other destinations with a similar flight time because there isn’t a significant time difference with most African countries, or no difference at all.

to be threatening you with divorce over something like this is ridiculous - he made vows to you when you got married and it looks as though he didn’t take them very seriously!

Gosh that's so helpfto the OP right now.

OP is your username a slight hint as to which country you’re thinking of going to? If so, I guess Rwanda!

Anyway, your DH is being a dick and you should definitely go and your DD will love it. What an amazing trip.

I have travelled in South Africa as well as Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, Tanzania, Zanzibar, Mozambique and Zimbabwe and I never once felt unsafe. I hope to do it again one day.

You don't know if he's threatening because he's manipulative or because this on top of everything else has him at the edge of his tolerance.

So his objections are that he doesn’t want to go to the holiday destination and that he doesn’t want you and your DD travelling without him? Your proposed destination is safe both security and health-wise?

Point out to him that it’s not uncommon for parents to travel separately with their children, especially when they’re older. My DH, for example, took ours on separate long haul trips when they were young teenagers. I stayed behind both times by choice and they had a great time. Family members aren’t joined at the hip, especially as children grow up.

Could that be part of the issue- he isn’t acknowledging that your DD is now a teenager and will be fine away from home without him for a couple of weeks?

What vow would that be? No one can refuse to go on holiday to a place they don't fancy?
I refused to holiday in Wales, was that OK?

OP said it was a country that she had no connection to.

I don’t think OP said she wanted to take her daughter to connect with her heritage did she? She just said her daughter was gutted to NOT be going to Africa?

And OP hasn’t specified where this country is, other than to say it’s ‘safe’ and not connected to where her heritage is.

And OP has actually rationed any information for some reason 🤷‍♀️.

I think if she wanted proper informed answers it would have been better to be more forthcoming.

I think there are two possible senarios. He's worried about how a white man married to a black woman will be received in Africa, or

He wants to divorce anyway and has found a convienient way to make it all your fault.

The only thing that I found strange is the reference to being of African heritage and wanting to go to Africa. I am friends with and have worked with people from Nigeria and Ghana. None of them talk about going to Africa: it’s always the name of their own country.

Threatening divorce is pathetic

if he doesn’t want to go and you are paying (assume separate finances) why does he get a veto?

2/3 of the family want to go. In our house that means we go where the majority wants to go which means I have to endure a beach holiday when I would far rather do something else. Next year I’m hoping a can find something everyone will be happy with most of the time.

what are his main objections - clearly it’s not the flight. Is it the activity? Is he scared for some reason - going somewhere remote or he’s scared of the animals?

you being black British isn’t really relevant if you’re not going to the part of Africa your ancestors are from

Actually not embracing the other culture is not the likeliest cause of disaster for a mixed marriage, embracing it is and then discovering that quite a lot of the baggage your spouse is carrying you totally disagree with. Culture clash can cause real problems and are not made less by embracing each others' cultures.
That said, I think it's a bit odd to suggest divorce over a holiday though currently I would be fairly wary of going to several African countries because there are some long-lasting wars across the continent as well as terrorism e.g. in Nigeria, which could easily spread over what are artificial borders.

there are plenty of countries in Africa that are perfectly safe. Not sure where OP is planning to go of course but a lot of countries are just as safe, if not safer, than Vietnam

We need to know where she wants to go though

Yup. And let him

When most people get married they promise to stay with each other for richer for poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to live and to cherish till death do us part. If you take your marriage vows seriously, I don’t think that means it’s fine to threaten to divorce someone over a disagreement about a holiday!

Sure - but she’s said it’s a safe country so no reason to assume it’s not

Each country in Africa is its own complete place with their own language, customs, celebrations etc, I really don’t understand it when they’re all lumped together.

Kind of like an American having a Scottish heritage, and choosing to holiday in North Macedonia to celebrate that! I mean, I’m sure North Macedonia is lovely but it ain’t Scotland.

But reading all this has made me think a holiday there would be nice. I might look into it with my imaginary holiday budget which is massive and read about some places.

And it works both ways I didn't feel cherished by being offered a holiday in Wales.
And I suspect it's not actually about the holiday, but something more.

The divorce threat would not be the holiday, the holiday is merely be the frame upon which the breakdown is presented. OP is being very stubborn and we are not hearing his side of the story. We have not even been told her version of her DH objections - just that he has objected and she wants to go ahead regardless, using their teenager as emotional blackmail.

Agreed. My husband is from South America. I make sure we can visit as a family once every two years at least. It's very expensive but we save together. I also speak the language and use it with our child to reinforce it.

If you're husband won't embrace your culture and encourage it with your child you're better off divorced