Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

I think thats exactly what it is, coupled with him wanting to isolate his daughter from her African heritage and only wanting her to embrace her European side, as embracing her black side will make him feel "left out". Pretty pathetic really on his part.

You havent said what his objections are?

😂😂 Are you the ghost of Victoria Wood?

That's a requirement of South Africa to enter the country (if enforced) It doesn't prevent the OP from taking the child out of this country, and many countries only require the person travelling with the child to have PR.

Why is it more controlling to say he doesn’t want to go than to insist you go? You both seem to be taking very hard positions on this and are as bad as each other.

South Africa is not a very safe country.

On the face of it, whatever his reasons are, it’s pathetic and controlling of him to threaten divorce over this. How will you resolve this?

Sorry for my ignorance but if you are black British and DH white how is DD of African heritage? Fair enough if you want a holiday there but I don’t understand the heritage part…..?

she had my sense of humour and could burst into a fit of giggles over a M&S Cheese and a onion quiche.

So you want to go to an African country that you have no connection with, and your DH doesn't want to go there. He wants to go to Vietnam.
This is basically a disagreement over a holiday destination.
He's obviously over-reacting with the divorce threats, but you're dressing this up as a "DD connecting with her roots" situation, when in reality it's a disagreement over a holiday. You need to talk about it and come to some sort of compromise.

His behaviour sounds controlling and extreme. If everything in the marriage is otherwise fine though and this is out of character I'd try to reach some kind of compromise. Surely there must be somewhere you'd all like to go? Would he be up for the African country in a future year? Does he have something against this specific African country?

I do disagree with him that families should always holiday together, assuming you can afford a family holiday as well. If it's your money rather than family money even more so.

Agree with this, it sounds like a bit of a power play by both the parents…

The divorce threat won’t be about the holiday destination it will be about the whole situation within the family part of which is OP demanding to spend a significant amount of family money and annual leave on a destination he does not want to go to for possibly legitimate reasons (we don’t know). And OP saying she intends to go anyway.

True but I’ve seen people denied boarding at Heathrow to SA because they didn’t have the correct paperwork to enter SA with their child (birth cert) shortly after the new requirements came in.

Op says she’s black British.

Book the holiday.....sounds like a good excuse to get rid of him.

The OP has not specified where in Africa she wishes to go to.
The reference to South Africa was that they went there four years ago.
But, their daughter, now 13 has never been. So they didn’t take her.

Hmm, I have mixed views on this.

Why didn't your DD go to South Africa four years ago when you went there?

Also, the implication is that your DD wants to travel to Africa because it's part of her heritage - but you said that you intend to travel to a safe country that has nothing to do with her heritage?

Africa isn't a homogenous lump - if you're not travelling anywhere that's to do with your heritage, then it's just a holiday destination. It doesn't have the same weight that you're implying in your OP. This isn't about heritage; you just want to holiday in Africa.

And if it is just a holiday then I'd expect the parents to plan family holidays together with compromise on plans for the next couple of years if there are different preferences eg/Vietnam this year and Africa the next, or vice versa.

Have you asked your DH why he is willing to travel to Vietnam but not Africa, given the similar distances?

Threatening to divorce you over the holiday does sound more than a little extreme - but all of this does tbh.

Some of the responses are just so wild, you can't even argue them!

Exactly this.

Visiting a random African country that has nothing to do with your DD's heritage is no different from me visiting a random European country and claiming it's my heritage.

Both are nonsense claims.

This is just a family dispute over choosing a holiday - OP has roped in the DD for emotional leverage and the DH is being an arse by threatening divorce.

He believes a family should holiday together not separately

The situation you are in demonstrates why such a hard & fast rule doesn't really work - sometimes people prefer different destinations. Provided there are enough funds for you to go on holiday together as a family as well, this seems the best solution and it's hard to see why he would oppose it?

I don't understand why you're taking your daughter to a country you have no connection with but dressing it up as though it's something to do with you being black.

Surely the point of visiting Africa in the way you're setting your side of the story up, is to explore your background and heritage and that of your daughter otherwise you may as well visit any country or area that is predominantly black because that won't be related to your lineage either.

I'm guessing that that's where your husband is coming from. You have as much connection to Vietnam as you do to the African country you're talking about visiting. You're basically just insisting on a holiday destination and the whole African thing is a complete red herring.

My daughter in law is African, and there would be zero point in her visiting a different African country to the one her family are from as the lifestyle, traditions and customs are all completely different. There is no learning for your daughter and it looks to me that you're taking her just to see a country full of black people which is something that I have a significant amount of discomfort over.

Would he need to give permission for you to take your daughter out of the country without him? I think you are within your rights to go without him but could be tricky.

Would poster on here be quite so
happy if it was the dad taking his DD against her mother’s wishes?

Which country in Africa? A random dangerous one where he will be worried about her safety or one that you have ties to and know how to navigate? That’s important

@BigOldBlobsy OP has said it's a random safe country that she has no ties to.