Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

Team DH here 100%.
If your sons father keeps with with the visits then he can earn a visit.

he was rude to invite his dad without asking you first

i wouldnt want my dh ex in my home

He’s a stranger. He has not parented your son. Distance and a replacement family isn’t an excuse.

Your son is an adult and (as you haven’t stated otherwise) would have full understanding of why your Dh is not agreeable.

Your husband has a right to express his thoughts on the visit. It’s ok to not be comfortable with it for many reasons and your sons wish to have his absent ‘father’ see his home doesn’t trump your husband’s wish to not have him in his home.

If ds was a child I might think differently. Maybe.

How long has your Dh been in your sons life?

I think your son is behaving really thoughtlessly here. He’s a grown man, not a young child.

What is your DH’s objection?

Is it that he doesn’t want your ex in the house or he doesn’t want to lay out the welcome mat for a deadbeat who presumably abandoned you and his son? Has ex paid maintenance or otherwise supported your son?

I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

yeah, your dh has said he is uncomfortable with his steps sons father coming to his home. Listen and make other arrangement that leave everyone feeling comfortable

Na sorry, I wouldn't want this either if I were your partner. 20 years old, he should be meeting his dad somewhere.

I’m surprised you are potentially up for letting your ex hang out in your house, never mind your husband. I wouldn’t be so neutral about it. I have divorced parents and at age 20 no way would I have invited my dad over to my mum’s house. He sounds like a deadbeat to be honest and I can’t see any reason why they can’t meet in a cafe or the park.

She hasn't seen or heard from him in 20 years as far as I could make out.

Can DH articulate the issue? Has he acted like a father for 20 years and now feels he's being pushed out? Is he worried you'll accidentally fall into bed with him? Is he worried he'll cause trouble? Is it a territorial issue?

Honestly I think you and DH should just go out for a, few hours. DS is asking to use his own home. I'd think your husbands attitude is a good way to ostracise him.

with your DH, I think your DS should go out with his “father”, honestly I think he’s looking at this through rose tinted glasses of sitting round, one big happy family.

It’s not necessarily going to be like that.

If your Son had a friend arranging to meet up - and that friend had driven a long way. Would you not at least invite the friend into the house for a cuppa or something after a long journey?
I do agree it could be a bit awkward - but to me it sounds like your Husband probably doesn't know your ex at all - so wouldn't it be the same as letting any stranger into the house that was a friend of your son?
Your Son is an adult and is clearly trying to have some kind of relationship with his father I don't think its right to make that more difficult than it probably arleady is because your husbands ego gets int he way.

Exactly this! Neutral territory. Gives DS the opportunity to leave if he wants to!

Why should the stand in dad have to leave his own home because a deadbeat turns up after 20 years?

why have you got to be so bitchy about it? Perfectly possible to be on the husband's side on all this without reducing this as you have done.

The son, who has every right to want to relationship with his dad no matTer how feckless he is, is probably is feeling incredibly nervous about this first meeting swirling about in combination with lots of other feelings about being basically abandoned all these years, and at 20, is still a very young adult, and is probably seeking the comfort of a neutral space. No need to infantilise him for feeling this way, or reducing it to 'showing daddy his bedroom'.

Perfectly possible to provide sensible advice for how to manage this taking both OPs son and husband - and both their valid opinions into account. Utterly mean-spirited of you IMO.

Put yourself in the DH's shoes.

What if it was your 20-year old step-child, and it was his/her mother (your DH's ex) who'd invited herself to your and your DH's house?
Would you just go out for a, few hours?

I’m pretty easy going but this would be a no from me. Let him come and take some out instead.

I'm more focused on why this deadbeat dad doesn't want his own son in his current house. It's insulting and wrong.

It's nice that DS is looking forward to the visit. Your DH needs to tolerate the visit. He and you don't need to be there or just for a fleeting hello.
Help DS plan to offer a welcoming cup of tea and biscuits, a sharing of special photos etc. if he wants and then to take his father out for a walk. Any further meals DS could choose the local pub or cafe.
It would be appropriate that his father stays at a motel and spends minimal time at your home, out of respect for you and your DH.

@heartmyheart It’s quite simple, DH can go out for the day, no one is forcing him to spend time with DSs dad.

Let the boy enjoy showing his dad his life if that what he wants to do. Doing this isn’t for his dad’s sake but for your son’s. Step-dad needs to get onboard with this and skip off to play golf or whatever he likes to do. Your son will resent you both otherwise.

Yes! I would.

He doesn't need to visit the house at all. The CF could invite the DS to his home.

In a normal situation I would say your DH is in the wrong. But this is not a normal situation, your son’s dad has been a terrible father, and most men don’t have much time for bad dads. So I can understand why your husband doesn’t want him in the house. But in the end I think he should respect your son’s wishes

I really don't understand a lot of these responses. Surely it's about how the son feels, and what makes him comfortable around this meeting after so long, rather than the adult partner? If that's having him on the home turf that is his home then so be it. He's not asking him to move in.

Or, the hostilities between adults could be put aside for the sake of the child here... It's not really about whether the dad is a CF or not, is it?