Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

It’s natural for him to want to know his biological dad.

Woah..your ex is WAY out of order.
I'm with DH on this, now that you've elaborated. You should tell your DS it's a firm no.
Ex has no need to visit. DS can take pics/vids if he wants to show house/room.

@heartmyheart OP it really isn’t that deep. Just go out for the day with your DH and let your son see his dad.

Yes.

Unilaterally inviting his absent father to his mother and step fathers home however, is at best, a bit dense on his part.

Meeting at a coffee shop would be far more usual.

Surely even someone as naïve as you apparently are can see why OP's DH would be uncomfortable with essentially giving the son's dad (let me remind you: a man the OP has had so little to do with for the last 20 years that she can't even remember what he looks like) run of the house and access to everything they own? 🙄

Okay stay home. Either way it’s the son’s home too and he should be allowed to have his dad visit if that’s what he wants.

@MagnusCanis is that how you see every visitor to your house.

If they are someone I have reason to hold in less-than-good regard, yes.

This. First post was full of excuses for the ex.

I can understand dhs attitude. Firstly his wife has given deadbeat dad a complete pass over not having contact with his son. I expect he's not paid for him either.

The dh family have treated him like one of their own, and how many times do we see posts about step kids not being invited to weddings, events or even getting Christmas presents, and deadbeat has slagged them off to his son...and she's in the middle???

No you tell your son you don't want the man in the house because of his disrespect for the people who raised his child when he did fuck all. And you tell your son his dad has no right to an opinion because when he was ill, who was there. Who took him on holiday, who paid for the clothes on his back and food on his plate. Who took him to football or rugby. Who taught him to shave...all those rights of passage that he was prevented from doing with his osn biological father because of "distance " his "new family " etc

Can I add that i have never been so angry with a poster on here. How dare you give this deadbeat a pass and not support your husband who's family, not just him, his family, have raised your son

Sick, isn’t it! And given there is very little chance of him sticking around then the DS is being naive,

My adopted dad brought me up and when my cunt of a bio ‘father’ wanted contact when I was 40, he was man enough to try to encourage me to do it. But biology means fuck all, it’s the person who is there for him.

Fair enough to insist on meeting him but it should be out of the house for the first time as he needs to keep him at arms length. If he doesn’t realise that as a grown man then he is in for a shock,

No way should this useless guy be given free rein to spend time in your home.

I feel sorry for your DH - that you couldn't have backed him up immediately and told your DS that it wasn't appropriate for his reunion to happen inside the house you all share.

He is old enough to meet his bio dad elsewhere. He can take him round the neighbourhood and show him other sights (eg where he went to school/ college, the park/ places he hung out with his mates) and he can show him photos of his room or anything else he wants.

I think he needs to be told that there's no way deadbeat-dad is coming to the family home unless he changes his attitude. If DB-D really wanted to patch things up with you all, he'd be inviting you and your DH out for a meal, to thank you for all the parenting you've done over the past few decades. I note that he doesn't seem to have considered inviting his newly-precious 'son' to visit his place.

And this thread is the reason why a lot of men and women choose not to be stepparents or treat stepchildren as their own . Because you end up being the bad guy because a sperm donor decides to show up when you have finished doing the hard work. If I am OP’s husband, I would question her intentions.

Ffs- what an over reaction

But you also have to remember a person has the right to know who their genetic parents are, no matter how shit they are. I assume at some point the OP thought he was a worthwhile person

What is the big picture here? Surely it’s to support your son IF he wishes to have a relationship with his father?
Is it really a hardship to offer the guy a cup of tea in your home, if it means your son is in a place he feels happy and comfortable?
Yes, 20 is grown, but he’s human. Maybe he just wants to be in a safe space to see his biological father. Not everyone’s confidence is fully formed at 20.

They do and he’s a grown man and old enough to navigate this without treading on the man who has been in his life

No, I wouldn’t have him around - at least not to hang out - what even is that about! If I finally wanted to see my kid tbh the last place I’d be thinking of going is my exes and their new partners - it’s weird - clearly not solely to connect with the son.

My daughter’s Dad ignored her till she was nearly 18 from a few weeks old. She told me he wanted to send her a card and I asked if she could tell him to send whatever he wanted but via his Mum and not to my address - she agreed. So obviously he found my address and sent it there - I felt a bit violated and I am sure that was his intent tbh. I feel your ex has some other intent - nosiness - alpha male syndrome - control over you/your husband Didn’t take long till my ex ditched her again either, so he wasn’t all that into making up for the 18 years! I didn’t have a new partner so that wasn’t part of any of it just him thinking he held the reins - as per ha!

It is of course hard as your son wants this - I’d discuss other options with him - or if absolutely no way around it then you/partner maybe just go out for the time ex is there? Your son definitely needs the opportunity to see his Dad - he’ll learn who he is soon enough sadly too - so you do need to find somewhere you are supportive but not walked over.

Best of luck with it.

Team dh here. Tell sperm donor to find a restaurant and pay for the meal. That shouldn't even be an issue.

Yes, but if it's only that he's been an awful "dad", then that's a good reason to let him come in the house. So the son, who is only 2 years into being an adult, has parents who do love him around to be supportive if his biological father upsets him/lets him down again. And there will be privacy-I wouldn't want to meet a dad who had left me (and my mum) in a public place, as I'd probably be angry/crying.
It's the dad who abandoned you and his son, OP, and he is the one who has suffered the most, which your husband should respect.

Exactly this.
DS needs you and DH more than ever, and he's trying to tell you.

Have you bought a new house? New car? Are you newly married? Why does he want to see your house 😭

Far be it for me to take the side of a step parent, its weird. He can meet your son outside of the home at a mutually agreed location. Or his son can come to his home with his 'new family's

Edit, I get that hes driving a long way, but my answer is still no.

I was feeling that your DH needed to put on his big boy pants for the sake of his son. I thought this because DH is 'Dad' in every way that matters and sometimes we parents have to suck it up for the sake of our children and put up with people we'd rather not put up with. And in the case of an absent father showing up, that's usually one of those times.

But after your ex told DS that he (ex) is dad and 'those people', by whom I assume he means DH and his lovely family, aren't family I changed my mind. I'm Team DH/Dad and at 20 DS should be able to understand how insulting and painful that was to him.

I would probably tell DS that what ex said was so very disrespectful to the man who loved, raised, and supported him that both of you do not want him in the house unless he apologizes.

I’m team stepdad - it sounds very much like stepdad stepped up and treated your son as his own. And now your son’s biological father who waited until the kid was old enough not to need to provide financially for your son anymore, surprise surprise wants a relationship and is telling your son his step family is not true family? Bloody insulting don’t disrespect your hubby’s feelings and your son should be explained to why this is not fair.

I’m team DH here.

You and DH raised your son in the absence of a useless ex and now the useless ex wants to ingratiate himself into your space.

No, he can collect your son from the door. Do you really want the ex inside your home?
Your son is a grown man and will eventually be leaving. He should respect the man who brought him up and tread lightly on his feelings.

It’s your DH’s forever home and his space.