Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

Sounds like the DS takes after his father in terms of being an inconsiderate plonker

I suspect the bio father doesn't know about his son's request to visit the house. If he does he's got a bloody hard neck. I certainly wouldn't agree to it.

Is your husband a father like person to your son ?

Yes ex is the victim who didn’t get to be a dad because someone else took over.

If DS had been in constant contact with his dad then I can see why it might be weird to show him is home. But DS is trying to manage a relationship with a dad who had been absent in his life. Cut him some slack if he might not have thought this through. Some people on here are heartless. He is the one who has suffered most from an absent dad. He is not being a spoilt step kid he is wanting to possibly build a relationship with a dad, who won’t have seen where he lived, went to school etc. This could be a huge and overwhelming step for the son

@heartmyheart your son is the victim who didn’t have his dad in his life

I don’t know why people keep talking (sneeringly) about the OP’s son “wanting to show his dad his bedroom” - nowhere has she said this. Just that he’d like to show his dad where he lives, which is a very normal instinct. It would be very odd - and a bit sad - as a young adult not to feel free to bring guests into the home.

I don’t see why your husband ‘feeling uncomfortable’ trumps everyone else’s feelings here, OP. Feeling uncomfortable isn’t an actual harm that he would have to suffer through; it’s not like a scenario where your husband been abused by your ex in the past and would find it truly traumatic to see him again. He just doesn’t fancy it. It’s fine for him to feel that, but it’s not fine for him to impose restrictions on your son just because of that feeling.

I didn’t mean to ignore but Dh has worked full time and his parents have provided childcare for Ds so they very much felt they were family.
Ex has told Ds that he is the dad and those people are not even family as they are not even related to him.
This has naturally upset Dh.

Of course this has upset DH. It would be strange if it didn't. Your ex is already making digs and he hasn't even come near to your house yet.

All the more reason for you and DH to stand firm and say that the meeting will NOT take place in your home. I'm amazed that you are so passive and unbothered by it to be honest.

@heartmyheart if DH and his family have been close to your son, him seeing his dad isn't going to change that. But it is understandable that he wants to try and have a relationship with his dad. If his dad is going to be horrible about DH and his parents then that isn't going to help that relationship building, so more fool him.

Well there you go then, how are you not supporting DH over this? It’s actually a red flag you being so passive and unbiased about it knowing how your ex has spoken about DH when him and his family have welcomed in DS and provided childcare like he was their own.

No absolutely not. This isn't your son's house to show off, it is your husbands though. I don't think kids get to do whatever they want in the house just because they live there. If he wants to invite whoever he wants to his home then he needs his own house.

From what you've said this bloke clearly has no respect for your DH.

Your son is an adult. He can meet his dad anywhere. Literally meet at the pub, have a meal and a drink .

He got a better one by the sounds of it though

I'm going to flip this, if your DS didn't want your DH come visit the house, would you stop that person visiting. It's quite normal for family members to visit the house and your ex is your son's family

@Sensiblesal sounds as if he has, but the other person is still his dad, who the son wants to build a relationship with, and I think the other adults in his life should be helping him navigate this not stand in his way. Doesn't mean they have to be best buddies with him and always welcome him into the house. But if the son wants to show him his home (which this is) then I think that should be available to him. Might be just the once (and lets face it with the dad's history he might disappear off again for another 20 years) and it might be that OP explains to the son that this might have to be the only time dad visits the house and going forward they will need to meet elsewhere.

I don’t agree with all this it’s DS’s house too. No it isn’t, it’s where he lives with his mother and stepfather and if he wants to invite someone round he clears it with them first. You get to invite whoever you want whenever you like when you pay for your own house. I don’t rule out ex husbands and wives visiting per se, I’ve been to a party and a wake at my husband’s ex wife’s place, but it depends on the relationship and in this case I don’t think it’s appropriate. At this age the OP and husband don’t need to actively facilitate the relationship between DS and his father, it’s between the two of them.

Why on EARTH don’t you have your DHs back @heartmyheart ? I would so hurt by your passivity in enabling this disrespect by both your son and your ex.

Ok

This seals the deal for me. No.

If DS wants to meet up with his deadbeat, rude, father, he can do it elsewhere.

Yes it's DS's home, that doesn't mean he can invite anyone he wants into it.

I'm normally all for 'getting along' with ex's etc but your husband & his parents have been there for DS FAR more than his father, his father has NO right to say they aren't family & like fuck would he be making himself comfortable in my home.

.

And you’ve asked if DH is being unreasonable…..

You are totally being UR, did your DS give this information?

Love the drip feed op.

pretty important thing to leave out and you were quite sly to do that.

It’s very clear that your DH is the most reasonable from the 3 of you. You are not in the middle. You should be firmly telling your DS that his deadbeat father has NO right to come to the house. You should be defending your dh here who stepped in and was the father.

At first I thought that you and your dh should just go out for an hour or so whilst he visits

However since your husband and his family have raised your boy as their own, and your ex has come along after being absent for all these years declaring he is his real father blah blah blah I don’t think so!

Absoluteky not - can’t he treat his son to a nice lunch?

It’s hardly that. He just wants his dad to visit.

Without any consideration whatsoever for the man who has actually brought him up. How utterly thoughtless and selfish.

At 20 he is old enough to be a father himself, it is embarrassing for him that he is so lacking in emotional intelligence.

Good grief @heartmyheart why the hell aren't you backing up your husband against this vile man? Your husband must be utterly heartbroken by it all. Time to explain to your son about being kind and respectful to DH and everything he and his immediate family has done in raising him.

Your son, the sperm donor nor you are not coming across well in this matter.

I’d be telling your son you’re appalled at his behavior towards your husband - HIS REAL FATHER!! - who stepped in to not just bring up someone else’s child but also his familu
took him on too and this arsehole turns up after 20 YEARS taking shit and your son hadn’t put him straight?!! Appalling disgusting disgraceful behavior from your 20 YEAR OLD SON! What a horrible specimen he is! Just shows how blood will out