Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

This man is horrible. Biological dad or not, he buggered off and let someone else raise his child and then he turns up after 20 years and bad mouths that person and his family? Not a chance in hell would this man be allowed in my house, and I'd be telling DS as much. He's an adult and he can meet his father on neutral ground away from the family home.

Nope. Step dad is uncomfortable with this man coming into his home, and from OP’s update ‘dad’ has no respect for her DH’s, or his family’s role in bringing up DS. He’a effectively dismissed the people who took over the care of his son when he couldn’t be arsed and now the hard work is over and DS is an adult, he wants to step back in and ‘reconnect’. Well that’s fine - if that’s what DS wants let him meet him somewhere else. If l were OP hell would freeze over before I’d allow him over my doorstep, disrespecting and insulting my DH, who has effectively been DS’s only father for twenty years.

Why can’t DS go out for the day to meet his dad ? Why do you think the emotional turmoil this is causing her DH ‘isn’t that deep’ ?

Team DH.

Surely that would depend on the character of the visitor, and in this case that visitor has no hesitation in dismissing the role of the man who stepped in and took responsibility for the son he abandoned, while simultaneously expecting him to host him in his home. He also dismissed DH’s family and their role in DS’s upbringing much the same way. It’s massively disrespectful, and to be honest, some of the comments here bring MN’s utter hatred of step parents - even those who have done right by their stepchildren - to a new low.

Why didn’t it upset your son OP ? This man may be his biological father but it seems your son has little emotional intelligence when it comes to respecting the feelings of the man who stepped in and raised him when his dad effectively abandoned him.

I can see how your son would be excited to have his dad visit him, but l’m astounded that he has so little regard for your DH’s feelings that he would allow his dad to say something like this without challenging it and defending the family who actually raised him, loved him and gave him a home.

This 100%

A parent should always put their child first, no matter what age they are.

Pity his ‘dad’ didn’t feel the same way. The request isn’t simple. It’s massively disrespectful of the man who actually brought up DS. He doesn’t want the man in his home. The wants of an emotionally immature twenty year old are not the priority here. No one is saying DS can’t meet his dad, but expecting OP and his step dad to welcome into their home the man who effectively abandoned DS is utterly unreasonable.

Agree. If ever confirmation was needed that MN hates step parents this thread is it.

I think I am with your DH on this - they could meet in a local pub/cafe for lunch and if it is going to become more frequent and they develop a better relationship then he he could invite him to the house in the future.

@ThreadGuardDog do we know whether that comment upset DS or not? In fact OP is very light on what has been discussed with DS apart from his desire to see his dad.

Your ex is so obviously a horrible person, sowing nasty seeds about your husband and his family.
Like other PP’s, I’m shocked you are even entertaining the idea of having him in your home.

Team DH, all the way. He will have spent years listening to you and your son's hurt and pain and anguish over this useless man, picking up the pieces every time, yet unable to do or say anything that will fix it.

He will no doubt love your son and be trying to wrap his head around how on earth his own "father" couldn't be bothered to be involved.

And his home is his safe space, full of personal belongings, and memories. And you're agreeing that your shitty ex should be allowed to enter this precious safe space and taint it with his bullshit? Totally out of order. You should have backed up your DH, the way he has done for you and your son for years. He knows he's about to become the punching bag, AGAIN. Your turn to stick up for him for a change.

WtAF am I reading (OP posts only)

my DS is 20, his dad was abusive to me and while I’ve let it go and moved on, to put it mildly- I’m not my ex’s biggest fan.

my DS would let hell freeze over before bringing his dad to my door

your DS is absolutely out of order on this. He needs to respect the family unit that raised him, preserve the peace at home and not make you/your dh feel uncomfortable in their own home - especially when his dad has made the shitty comments to dh.

your dh stepped up when his dad never did. That deserves more loyalty somehow.

it may be his home, but it’s yours too and your h and sometimes that’s more important than DS showing his house off to his dad. He can show him photos if he likes, anything else is too intrusive.

sorry @heartmyheart but your DS is a bit of an idiot.

My DS once said that in the extremely unlikely event that my ex turns up at our house, he’d beat the shit out of him himself

your DS needs to protect the family who raised him @heartmyheart

Absolutely no way would the ex come into the house without asking. Which it sounds like is what is expected. This is his house too. Team DH. There are plenty of places they can meet elsewhere, cafes bowling, pubs, shopping centres.

I don’t think the OP specified whether that comment upset her DS, but either way I don’t think his loyalties (or that of the OP) are in the right place. DH brought him up and provided a home for him. If he doesn’t want this man in his own home then his wishes should be respected. DS is 20. Plenty old enough to understand why this would cause conflict and plenty old enough to avail himself of the alternatives to a home visit.

I'm with DH on this.

Look at it from his perspective. He has watched this no mark father do pretty much nothing from the sidelines for 20 years. Your DH has been the father, not the sperm donor.

Now as reasonable as it is for DS to ask to meet his sperm donor, it is not reasonable to suggest that this other man is welcome in your DH home. Yes its your DS home but meeting his father does not trump your DH feelings when it can be so easily dealt with to make everyone happy. Not a chance. In fact your DH probably has a serious amount of pent up anger at this guy for how he neglected someone he has loved for 20 years.

Men can be pretty manipulative too. Have you considered this sperm donor is using this to cause your DS & DH to have troubles? The odd suggestion of coming to the family home etc.

Why hasnt he invited your DS (Who is a man) to his house?
Why havent they arranged to go somewhere neutral?
What is his father going to do, go up to your DS bedroom and play games?

I cant think of any reason the sperm donor needs to come to your house.

Why do people keep mentioning a bedroom? OP said DS wants to show his dad his home.

And posters talking about emotional trauma of DH, the person who will have suffered the most emotional trauma in this situation is the son, whose dad buggered off and made a new home with his second family. He’s the person who has to make peace with this. The 2 main adults in his life should be supporting him in this, not hindering. It’s obvious the dad is a piece of work but the son has to be helped with this realisation.

Adopted people are given support around the fact they are adopted and the fact their birth parents may not be perfect. This should be the same for this 20yo. He can have the same trauma of being rejected/abandoned by a parent. But even with that trauma many adopted people want to connect with their birth parents and no matter how wonderful their adoptive family are.

I think many people ignore the impact that absentee fathers can have on their children and how hard it is for them to navigate this

Why hasnt he invited your DS (Who is a man) to his house?

Agree. There was a comment from OP upthread that her ex now has his own family, which gave the impression that DS visiting wasn’t an option. Clearly someone objects - possibly the ex himself if he’s trying to keep things separate. I can’t see why the same objection from OP’s family - in this case her DH - wouldn’t be treated in the same way.

That still doesn’t mean that the absentee father should be welcomed into the OP’s and her DH’s home. No-one is hindering a relationship between DS and his bio father, but I think it’s entirely reasonable that the man who stepped in and brought DS up as his own doesn’t want this cosy reunion to take place in his own home.

@ThreadGuardDog and if that is the case can’t you see what an horrendous impact that can have on the son. Instead of berating the son he needs support

Nobody is berating the son. Nobody is suggesting he isn’t entitled to a relationship with his bio dad if that’s what he wants. The fact is that DH - who is the one who brought up DS and provided him with a home - objects to having this man in his home, and at the age of 20, there are plenty of other alternatives open to DS.

If what OP says is true, the bio dad is nothing more than a sperm donor. The actual father is DH - he’s the one who stepped up and took responsibility. If DS wants support to explore the relationship with his dad, no one is stopping him, but he needs to learn to have some respect and regard for the feelings of those who provided him with home and family while sperm donor was off doing other things.

@ThreadGuardDog I am adopted. I haven’t traced my birth parents but my adoptive parents always said they would support me if I did and that would include letting them see my home. They wouldn’t be moving in and depending on what they were like I’m guessing further meet ups might have been elsewhere

This ex is no threat to the DH, in fact seeing the home OP and her DH has made for the son will undoubtedly show what a shit dad he has been and what relationship he had missed out on.