Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

Hopefully OP isn’t as heartless as you.

A parent should always put their child first, no matter what age they are. This seems a simple request to fulfil.

Maybe OP’s DS would like a more normal relationship with his dad, and that will include showing him where he lives (making up for the fact he wasn’t able to show him when younger)

And whose fault was it that he couldn't do it when he was younger? Not OP's DH. Rather her ex who decided his new family was more important, who only managed to see his son around 12 times in 20 years - and then only because the DS travelled to him. I wonder where they met on those 12 times? Not the ex's new home and family I bet.

If there was a CAO for biological father to spend time with his son would anyone expect him to be entertained in the mother and stepfather's home? No, bio-father would pick his son up and take him out.
What's different here?

A parent should always put their child first, no matter what age they are. This seems a simple request to fulfil.

You mean like the bio dad did? How come if it's that simple?

I think it would be better for everyone to meet somewhere neutral

I can see why DH would be pissed off with the red carpet treatment, but if it wasn't a massive inconvenience to him, he could always go out and avoid the man. No need to stand on ceremony. Likewise, it would be a bit rum for the Dad to hang around all day. I'd suggest DS meets him for lunch and brings him back after for a quick cuppa.

If your husband has been a good step father and a good role model, this is yet another teaching moment where HE can be an example of a good man.
Your ex wasn't a great father or role model.
Tell your husband not to be petty and make this about him.
Ask him to be the bigger man.
I would be seriously unimpressed with him making this about him and not your son.
Perhaps your son is very proud of his home and step father and wants to show that off.

@Gymnopedie but it's not the son's fault either. He's the one who has been given the shitty end of the stick who has a dad who has hardly seen him in 20 years and who has prioritised his new family. OP has a new husband, his dad has a new family. Son lives in a house which people are saying he can't show his dad. For those saying stepkids are always prioritised, he really hasn't been.

@Whiteheadhouse that's what I think.

He doesn’t need to show his Dad where he lives, is he a 5 year old showing his room and toys? No they are both adults so they need to have an adult relationship in a mutual setting.

Interesting how the bio Dad isn’t inviting DS round his family home but quite happy to encroach on OP/DHs home. It’s not appropriate.

Nope sorry. Dad or not, my ex wouldn’t be visiting my home. Son is a grown man, he can meet him elsewhere.

Putting your child first doesn’t translate as letting them do what they like with absolute impunity, for most people.

@PixieTales don’t young adults like to show their parents where they live? When I have visited DS at uni he has shown me his room in halls etc.

Maybe the son has visited his dad at his house we don’t know do we. And it would be pretty poor if stepmum didn’t allow the son to visit his dad

Your DS biological father is pretty much a stranger at this point. He's barely been around in over a decade. Where's the harm in meeting somewhere neutral? If he really wants to meet his son he'll be thrilled with whatever arrangement.

@JWhipple the OP says the son wants to show him where he lives (his home)

i agree.. why does it have to be full on house meeting the first time they see each other in years?

Surely, your DS will see that having the first meeting on neutral ground with just the two of them, so they can slowly get re acquainted and decide how they want to navigate this.

Could it be that the Dad just made it as a suggestion and the DS assumed it was an instruction? It would be easy for DS to say he'd rather meet just the two of them somewhere else for the first meeting...He can always show the Dad his home once they've got used to each other and everyone else has got used to it, maybe even the Dad's family.

Is there really any rush? DS's bedroom will still be there after that first meeting

I can’t even picture him as it’s been 20 years

so he had nothing to do with his child from birth? Nothing at all? Otherwise you would have seen him obviously.

Your DH needs to grow up. If he doesn't want to see your ex then he can go away for that short time. Your DS should get to show his dad his room. I can remember being really excited to show my (excellent) dad my room: he lives far away and I usually went there. Children's rooms are an important part of who they are. Your DH is being massively unreasonable.

I’d think in general your DH shouldn’t be awkward for the sake of it, but I don’t think he’s unreasonable here. It’s normal to see your parents in their own houses. I could understand your son wanting to have parents over to his own house, but he doesn’t have that yet - he’s still living with mum and step-dad. It wouldn’t be normal or expected for your ex to come have visits in your house when DS was a child, and nothing has changed except his age.

don’t young adults like to show their parents where they live?

No, I don’t thinks it common for young adults to give their parent a guided tour of their other parent and their spouse’s home.

But the DS is not a child he’s 20! Do you really think he should be excited to show his dad his room?

That’s totally different wanting to proudly show where you live on your own at Uni or
if it was his own flat etc but wanting to show off his bedroom in Mummy and Step Daddy’s house as a 20 year old man is actually weird and not appropriate.

Again this all goes back to the same point.
Two adult men can have a relationship and meet up outside of his parent’s home.

Exactly!!

DS is doing it to piss off his step dad as @heartmyheart ignored any question relating to the how well her ds and dh get on

I bet ds is living rent free and totally supported by his step dad

Actually it sounds like the 20 year old man child needs to grow up.

What sort of 20 year old would be excited to show off his bedroom in Mummy and Step Daddy’s house? It’s weird.

If he’s really that nervous to meet his bio Dad in a mutual setting then why can’t he bring a friend/partner/other family member?

I am starting to wonder if this is to disrespect/upset his Step Dad because any normal person would understand how this isn’t appropriate.

And it’s disrespectful and rude to his mum who was effectively abandoned by this fuckwit to raise their child and now has to have him in her home. It’s always rude to force people to be around their exes unless it can’t be helped (eg a family wedding). And what if Daddy wants to make this a regular thing (meetings at the house)? What then? It’s unlikely to be a one off.