Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

Sorry OP but I am with your husband here. This is your home, with your husband and the pair of you have presumably brought up your son and his Dad has been elsewhere with his other family.

I wouldn't want him in my home. If your son was younger, I would get it, but he isn't and yes I understand its also your sons home but he is old enough to understand a boundary between your past and present life.

With respect, your son needs to meet him elsewhere, ther eis a reason he is your ex and your husband does not need to be drawn in to a relationship with this man. Home is a sanctuary.

There is no legitimate reason for him to feel threatened by your son’s father

Well, we don't actually know this.
There's also no legitimate reason for the DH to allow someone he doesn't hold in high regard (OP's own wording) into his house, much less leave him there supervised by only the OP's son as some posters are bizarrely suggesting.

If your son was younger, I would get it, but he isn't and yes I understand its also your sons home but he is old enough to understand a boundary between your past and present life.

This is what surprising me - yes if younger it easier to argue make the accommodation - but this is a 20 year old adult not a child so why he can't understand it's not an appropriate location.

Plus it's a lot easier to leave and be done when you are at a netural location than trying to usher someone out a house.

How would this go the other way round?

I’ve been with DH, l’ve been a mother figure to his son. I work full time and enjoy my weekends. His wife hasn't seen DSS in 30 years, very little physical contact, but they chat on the phone. She’s got a new family now and they take up her time.

She wants to see DSS (age 20), which of course is great, but he wants this meeting to be in our home, meaning I’m left uncomfortable and have to go out for a “few”
hours (no idea exactly how long), I don’t particularly want either to be uncomfortable offering drinks, lunch maybe (depending how long she stays), whilst she sits in my lounge, or I’m out until I get a message to say “the coast is clear”.

i think this is quite an imposition, my weekends are like everyone’s for me to relax and come and go as I please.

AIBU to ask DH to arrange for DSS to meet his mum outside the house for coffee/lunch etc?

I have no qualms about old flames etc with DH, the relationship is long gone, but this is our home, not his, not mine and not DSS alone, so I feel we should all be happy with the arrangement.

I can understand your DH’s reservations. This is not someone he knows. But also it is not someone your DS knows either. And barely does.

Neutral ground.

Dh isn’t willing to shake hands and forget that he has been there in his absence and then after hearing all his excuses he’ll probably say how proud he is of the son he put no effort into raising

And you think he’s wrong? Why?

Yes you were responding to me when I said this man is a stranger to DH not the DS who as others have pointed out many times is not a child he’s a 20 year old adult man.

If he doesn’t feel safe meeting his biological Dad then that’s even more reason why he shouldn’t be coming round the family home, and probably not even meeting him at all!

Thats DH safe space too. I would actually be feeling pretty upset and unsupported if I was him in this scenario.

So, she shouldn’t entertain her husband (who has taken on a father role to her son and provided for him his entire life) setting a boundary to not have her son’s actual deadbeat in their home.

But she should 100% entertain deadbeat dad, who has taken zero interest in her son for his entire life, despite going on to have another family.

That sounds reasonable.

There is definitely a self-centered man in the picture, but it’s not her husband.

This is MN and step-parents must put their step-children's wishes first on every occasion imaginable.

I’d not have him in my house ever.

DS can meet him at a neutral place where the poor excuse for a father can actually pay for a lunch and coffee out for his son. And then probably disappear again for 20years.

This is clearly a big thing for your son, as it sounds like he has had very little face-to-face time with his Father throughout most of his life. Could it be that he is very apprehensive about meeting up with him, and therefore wants to feel safe in his own home?

I do understand how your husband may be feeling, but I think he needs to put himself in the shoes of your son in this instance. Perhaps the first time your son needs the sanctuary of home as the meeting place, and if all goes well, next time he may feel happy meeting his Father on more neutral territory.

@MiaKulper most posts re stepkids say they shouldn't expect bedrooms etc in their stepmum's house because they have a home with their mum. This is this person's home and he is being told he can't invite his dad to visit. So not really his home then either. He has already spent most of his life without his dad. It's not the son's fault his dad has been absent. I am sure it wasn't his wish that his dad would be absent and he would be brought up by another man. Is this the life he would have wished for, to be abandoned by his dad. For that dad to start another family. Yes his wishes have come first, not!

On balance I would say that your DH feelings take priority here as your son is an adult and this is not his permanent home. He is capable of meeting elsewhere.

Of course it’s his permanent home till he gets his own place. He’s not a lodger!

Most people accept that adopted children suffer trauma from being separated from their birth parents, no matter how loving their adopted parents are. Stepkids, especially like this one who has had a pretty absent father, don't seem to be afforded that same acceptance that this could cause trauma.

Literally this.

Even when the Step Parent has brought them up

Even when the SC is no longer a child

Even when the Step Parent owns their own home

Nope still not allowed to have boundaries and express feelings without being labelled ‘immature’ and ‘jealous’.

If the Son feels that nervous about meeting up with his Bio Dad in a mutual setting then he can bring a friend/partner/other family member for moral support….This should not and does not need to be facilitated in DHs & OPs home.

I think I’m on your DH’s side with this one. Your DS’s father has seen him a dozen times in 20 years!? I think first meeting definitely needs to be somewhere in the middle - a pint or a coffee somewhere is absolutely fine. This man is technically a stranger. He might want to see where DS lives, but he’s had 20 years to do this and although it’s your DS’s home, it’s also your DH’s and I don’t feel he should be told to grow up and leave for the day as others have suggested.

If the relationship develops then discuss him coming to your house but I’d be on your DH’s side until then.

It's the DH's home too and he may have paid for at least half of it.

@PixieTales it's the son's home too. He has no other home

@MiaKulper and he is the older adult, who if he has looked after this lad and cares for him should be able to support him and help manage his meetings with his dad.

Your Ex doesn't need to visit your home to see your adult son. They should meet up elsewhere for lunch or dinner or have your son go and see him in his town.

So, you think that the OP and her DH should reasonably be expected to accommodate SS’s deadbeat father if, going forwards, the SS wished to start inviting him over for dinner once a week, or similar?

There is literally no reason why they need to have contact in the home. I could understand more if DS was a child, but he’s not.

If DS met someone online dating and wanted to invite them round the family home for the first time they meet because he’s nervous must that also be facilitated because he wants to?

Oh and I guess DH and OP can just bugger off out if they feel uncomfortable about it because it’s the DS home too…..? No it doesn’t work like that. Meet in a pub or cafe and any neutral place like adults do.

I think the first visit can be facilitated in the home, so DS can show where he lives (as it is his home) and then going forward visits can be elsewhere. I don't think a straight no is fair to start with.

Your husband needs to get over it. Its a one off. Your son has barely seen his Dad over the years so I dont expect it will be a regular event.
I would try to speak to your husband as a one off situation, but if he really cant suck it up for one day for the sake of your son, then I guess alternative arrangements need to be made

Yeah I wouldn’t want my husbands ex in my home either. Your son is more than old enough to meet him elsewhere.