My husband doesn’t want to buy me an eternity ring. AIBU to want one?

[slowsausages]

20 year wedding anniversary coming up. Husband asked what I’d like and I said my only thing really is an eternity ring.
He’s acted so weird (I think) and basically taken offence to it. He thinks that wanting/getting one makes the wedding and engagement ring less special. That those rings symbolise forever and that essentially you shouldn’t need anything more.

I feel kind of offended and sad and let down. Now I feel like even if he got me one I just would feel awkward receiving it and wouldn’t have a good feeling anytime I saw it.
I feel like he’s ruined the whole idea of it.

AIBU unreasonable to feel this way?
Has anyone else’s husbands ever had similar?
I didn’t think it was a big deal and had no idea anyone would or could take it that way?

I can sort of see where this is coming from. I personally would have two counter arguments.

I absolutely love jewellery. Ever since I was a little girl. Some people like legos, mountain bikes, expensive tech, cars…

Jewellery pieces are lovely reminders of people, events etc. I have a pair of (rather cheap, fake but super pretty) “emerald” earrings. Whenever I wear them I think of a lovely weekend in Vienna, when my (back then still) boyfriend bought them for me.

I remember my (late) grandmother taking me to jewellery lane and letting me pick out earrings for my 10th birthday. They remind me of her whenever I wear them (mostly on special occasions).

Jewellery tends to last, unlike many other kind of gifts.

Random suggestion but could it be he has already brought you one and wanted it to be a surprise which you've now ruined? I 've had that with my dh before. Seems a bit of an odd reaction from him if not.

Can’t believe the hate for eternity rings on here! It’s a perfect anniversary present OP. He asked what you wanted and it’s this. I got mine because we were skint when I got my engagement ring so it’s tiny and I wanted a bit of bling basically! I wear them all stacked and love how they look together.

I would be irritated if I were you, he is making out like you are being greedy!
If the budget allows then you should be able to have an eternity ring.

You can get cheaper than that! I was eyeing up a sterling silver and moissanite one which was about £40, but I have several base metal and cubic zirconia ones. (Although the sapphire and white gold one I saw was expensive, but I want it!)

Fair enough. I don't "get" jewellery at all: it has no emotional resonance for me but I guess my equivalent would be something like a weekend break in Europe or nice clothes and I would be irked if I said I wanted that and my OP wouldn't get it. I suppose if you live in a capitalist society the reality is that someone is profiting from most gifts bought from you.

But there is something about the way jewellery is marketed which turns my stomach a bit: the whole marketing strategy is built on making women feel insecure about their position in the relationship and making them ask men for approval via bits of silver/gold/platinum. And the use of emotionally-loaded words like "eternity" is nauseating.

None of this changes the fact that the OP is entitled to be frustrated her DP won't get this for her. .

That makes sense! My engagement ring is elegant and rather modest… I actually used to feel a bit self-conscious on certain occasions (well, one time somebody explicitly told me that the diamond ought to be bigger… I was so shocked that I didn’t even know how to respond😅).

I personally strongly dislike that marketing strategy as well. The amount somebody spends (be that for jewellery, trips abroad, flowers or any other gift!) shouldn’t be used to measure love and affection!

I guess my equivalent would be something like a weekend break in Europe or nice clothes and I would be irked if I said I wanted that and my OP wouldn't get it.

yes, precisely!
Let’s say your DH asked you what you wanted for your anniversary.
You answer that you would really like a weekend break / trip abroad.
Husband becomes quite huffy and tells you that you already had a honeymoon 20 years ago and that an additional shared vacation would somehow devalue the original honeymoon…

I can kind of see his point, though he could have discussed it without making you feel bad about yourself.

I would say it’s nothing to do with symbolism, and you’d just like a bit of bling for your present. It’s not that deep.

My miserable husband wouldn't even buy me an engagement ring, said it was a waste of money, my nan gave me one of her rings out of putty. Should have realised what a huge red flag it was ( he's Yorkshire just in case it's significant)

I got an eternity ring after the birth of one of my children. At 25 years, my husband bought me a stunning ring, then matching earrings for my 50th. Every piece of jewellary I have been given is special and meaningful. You are not being unreasonable. After 20 years you should be able to be honest and ask for what you would really like.

Haven't RTFT, but I do think general presents should please the recipient but if it makes him sad in some way, however irrational, maybe there is some other piece of jewellery that you would also like? earrings or a pendant?

I think that’s a push present but I could be wrong! The only reason I say it is that a friend of mine received a gorgeous ring from her husband every time she had a baby and I confess to being a wee bit jealous at the time! 😄. I know in reality that a lot of these things are invented by the jewellery industry!

Stop it. People are being weird. He asked what he wanted and he wanted a nice piece of jewellery. You know What you’re likely to wear. How do you ask for a pen pendant or a pair of earrings or have he have had a problem?

an eternity ring is a nice simple piece of jewellery that you can wear daily. Had it been called a ‘celebration ring’ or an ‘anniversary ring’ would that have made a difference?

why are people invalidating what you want? Stop doing the woman thing of putting your wants unmet because strangers wouldn’t want one.

some people would want a pair of earrings or a bracelet or a holiday. Are those somehow more appropriate than a ring?

people are being very weird.

Then any gift is transactional surely.

I love jewellery. So if DH wants to get something I will love and use then jewellery is the smart choice. What is a ‘valid’ gift in your mind? Shoes? A pool? A new pair of glasses? I can’t get my head around somebody thinking that one form of gift is somehow transactional, but other forms of gift are fine.

if I loved photography and asked for camera equipment would that be ok by you? But if I love jewellery that’s not fine?

I suppose he asked so..

However, I've never seen the point. Who has room on a finger for 3? I always thought you might get one if your marriage has been a bit rocky but you've come through it!

That's correct.

.

Originally de Beers created and marketed them for older women. Typically fir a significant anniversary on the basis that when they had got married, they couldn’t afford much.
Giving them as a push present was a much more recent use for the eternity ring

I got an eternity ring after our first child and we've been married 44 years, never thought it made the wedding ring less than. Maybe they are old fashioned but he sounds a bit mean.

Eternity is overrated

This! Why ask what you want if he doesn't care. Does he usually rude roughshod over your feelings? I'd be really hurt.

I agree. I also feel the same about renewing wedding vows. I always think it is a suspicious sign, why should you need to renew them unless you have broken them.

My engagement and weddings rings no longer fit me so I haven’t worn them for years. I find this doesn’t bother me. I have no massive sentimental attachment to them. I liked what they represented at the time, but now they are just rings.

I’ve been considering trading them in for an eternity ring or perhaps a nice new wedding band. DH looked a bit put out when I suggested that so I might just leave it!

Why wouldn’t he buy jewellery if he knows you would love it ?
That’s strange.

It’s literally just a nice ring. One that. A. Be worn I. The same finger as your others if your fingers are long enough.

they aren’t some indication of natural strife for goodness sakes