My husband doesn’t want to buy me an eternity ring. AIBU to want one?

[slowsausages]

20 year wedding anniversary coming up. Husband asked what I’d like and I said my only thing really is an eternity ring.
He’s acted so weird (I think) and basically taken offence to it. He thinks that wanting/getting one makes the wedding and engagement ring less special. That those rings symbolise forever and that essentially you shouldn’t need anything more.

I feel kind of offended and sad and let down. Now I feel like even if he got me one I just would feel awkward receiving it and wouldn’t have a good feeling anytime I saw it.
I feel like he’s ruined the whole idea of it.

AIBU unreasonable to feel this way?
Has anyone else’s husbands ever had similar?
I didn’t think it was a big deal and had no idea anyone would or could take it that way?

Indeed. My mum had an eternity ring. Her and my dad were married for about 40 years (til he died) every one of them miserable filled with arguments , hate and occasionally violence.

My dad bought one for my mum for their 25th because her engagement ring very modest, I think this is common, if you had a flashy ring to start with no need. To be honest I kind of associate them (and vow renewals) with affairs! Purely based on friends of mine

I always thought it was the done thing and have recently had one for a milestone birthday! Nothing wrong or silly with wanting a nice ring!!

I wanted one for our 25th and got a simple one. Why not? I just wanted something pretty and I don’t usually get jewellery. I love it.

Have you stopped to consider that he might already have made plans for the occasion and spending on an eternity ring doesn’t enter into the equation? Him asking what you wanted could have been his way of throwing you off the scent when he’s got an amazing gift lined up!

I would guess he hadn’t heard of an eternity ring before. I don’t really know much about eternity rings either (beyond brief mentions online or on TV etc) and I don’t think anyone in my family has one.

EDIT to add:
I think it’s fine for you to want one though, just saying maybe your DH doesn’t have an understanding of what it is.

Yeah, he's already made plans. He knows how much he wants to spend on golf clubs and a ring is going to chew into his wodge of cash for himself.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong-and everything right- about wanting significant anniversaries to be marked in some way. I have a small collection of significant jewellery my dp has given me over the years. It’s just that eternity rings are a completely cynical piece of commercial exploitation. Designed to guilt/shame men into buying more diamonds. And to make women feel sad and unappreciated if they don’t get one.

I thought they were either for the 1 year anniversary or birth of first child.

I didn’t get one for either, probably because we were a bit skint and also it didn’t really occur to us.

I asked for one for our 10th anniversary.

I bought myself a ring when DS was born. I got the July version of the Pandora birthstone ring I bought myself years ago. They don't sell it anymore so it was second hand, which I don't mind.

I also bought myself a ring the first time I got pregnant (which ended up being a sort of momento mori as I had a miscarriage.) That was a cheap silver and cubic zirconia one, but it's precious to me.

Eternity rings are just another ploy to get you to part with your money for something you already have to be fair...

BUT - his reaction is weird. In my social circle I can't imagine any other husbands response anything other than "yes dear" . Your husband sounds weirdly sensitive about jewellery.

Everything is marketed, weddings can cost an arm and a leg but dont have to. Honeymoons dont "need" to happen.

For me it's quite simple, OP was asked what she wanted and fancied an eternity ring, if shes changed her mind after reading this fair enough but she wasn't silly for wanting one any more than a marketed designer dress handbag or nice pair of shoes

You can buy second hand, it doesn't have to be new. I'd rather buy second hand myself.

With regards to diamonds, lab grown are a hell of a lot cheaper, or there's moissanite which is also cheaper, and is a brilliant diamond substitute. It's very sparkly and a hard stone so will last.

I don't see the point in them, I have my wedding ring and engagement ring and that's enough I didn't know there was such thing as an eternity ring

They've been around for decades. I've known about them since I was tiny because I used to pore over the Argos catalogue. (Light blue sapphires were all the rage in the 90s and I wish they'd come back.)

🙄

Also, men who know that their partners would be made happy by something they could do and deliberately don’t do it are pretty shit.

Which is ironic given how many couples split up after having a child.

Been married 36 years this year and don’t have one.

Well I don't think you're silly, that's what I'm asking DH for as it's our 10 year anniversary approaching & I like the idea of him buying me another ring!

No. If you have to each buy yourselves a present, you decide together how much you can afford and split it evenly.

But a wedding anniversary is about the two of you. It is literally about your marriage. Not imv an excuse to each get something expensive yourself: what’s that got to do with your marriage?

Are you really not able to spend money on the two of you as a couple? If not, wtafp?

Don't.
Just rebrand your request as wanting a band ring.

I thought eternity rings were for the birth of your first child. Have I got that completely wrong?

Dh gave me an eternity ring when our first child was born. I didn't ask for it, it was a surprise and I didn't know it was a thing. It seems that he 'did' know it was a thing so I don't think you're wrong.

YA absolutely not BU to want an eternity ring. Y may BU if you expect one. I wanted one, and I asked for it for my birthday present.

Could you do that?

Dear god all these replies saying ‘they’re pointless’ That is immaterial, he asked, she replied. I have an eternity ring, 20 years married (a long while ago), it was pre loved and I wear it on third finger right hand. No one but me and him know what it symbolises, a 20 years married struggle with cancer, heart attack, disabled child. It’s nothing like ‘vow renewal’. It’s more a case of a nice piece of jewellery and what it symbolises to us.

would he had made a fuss if you had just asked for a ring instead of an eternity ring OP?

I don’t think you’re silly. You liked the symbolism and you wanted one. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it!

but even more importantly: your DH asked and you answered. He shouldn’t have asked if he couldn’t accept an honest answer.

next time you may not answer freely. Is that what he wants? Or does he want to spend money on a gift you didn’t truly want to begin with??