My husband doesn’t want to buy me an eternity ring. AIBU to want one?

[slowsausages]

20 year wedding anniversary coming up. Husband asked what I’d like and I said my only thing really is an eternity ring.
He’s acted so weird (I think) and basically taken offence to it. He thinks that wanting/getting one makes the wedding and engagement ring less special. That those rings symbolise forever and that essentially you shouldn’t need anything more.

I feel kind of offended and sad and let down. Now I feel like even if he got me one I just would feel awkward receiving it and wouldn’t have a good feeling anytime I saw it.
I feel like he’s ruined the whole idea of it.

AIBU unreasonable to feel this way?
Has anyone else’s husbands ever had similar?
I didn’t think it was a big deal and had no idea anyone would or could take it that way?

You may be thinking of those ghastly 'push presents'.

He asked what you’d like, you told him…gifts for others are nothing to do with how we feel. They’re about the receiver.

Maybe he was planning to surprise you with one, so was put out when you requested one?

It does sound like they only became a thing in the 60s because of a push by diamond merchants, but that's also how solitaire diamonds became popular as engagement rings decades earlier, and de Beers were the ones who introduced the idea that engagement rings should cost a month's salary.

That doesn't make them any less pretty though. I'm not bothered about having one, but lots of people like them still.

I love rings. I bought myself an eternity ring.

Didn't happen to me but my mum had something similar. She asked for an eternity ring for years and years and my dad had the same opinion as your husband. She gave up asking in the end. Fast forward to me getting married and the birth of our third child coincided with my 30th and my husband out of the blue bought me an eternity ring. Not going to lie, I was completely shocked but overjoyed. Obviously showed mum and dad, and dad looked decidedly sheepish. Turns out he didn't like being upstaged by his son in law....My mums birthday was the following month and lo and behold, she got her eternity ring. I think some men just don't see the sentiment in it, and like my dad probably perceive it as a waste of money. Hope you manage to come to an agreement and you get your ring.

if you do get one, you’ll have waited an eternity for it

Marketing has a lot to answer for!

Traditionally that wouldn’t have been long after the wedding, sometimes within the year if a honeymoon baby! That’s a lot of money with a new baby too.

No it’s not. A wedding ring is a symbol of wedding vows which are ‘till death do you part’. Eternity is beyond that - infinite or unending time. OP YANBU.

Congratulations on your anniversary! I mean I kind of agree with him? Wedding ring is forever. Maybe he'd like to get you a different special piece of jewelry? Important birthstones or a stone for the big anniversary?

Would you feel better if you knew that eternity rings were invented and aggressively marketed by De Beers because they had a stockpile of diamond chips they wanted to use? And the first advertising slogan was “You married her for better or worse. Show her how it’s going.”

I am with your DH. It's a gimmick dreamed up years ago by De Beers and the other diamond merchants to enable them to flog more diamonds.

I wouldn't buy one either (& haven't) and we are nearer our golden wedding than not.

Beat me to it @CurlewKate !

They have very ancient origins - but you’re right, it was De Beers who marketed them as a thing because they had an abundance of tiny diamonds.

I think it’s a bit odd of him to ask you what you’d like and then criticise, sexually since it’s a piece of jewellery - hardly an unusual request. He’s definitely taken the sheen off of the whole eternity ring now, which is a shame because they don’t have to be expensive, especially if you buy pre-owned. Is there another piece of jewellery you could ask him for?

People on here would also have you believe that adults should’t have birthdays and it’s unreasonable to get a present.

If you want an eternity ring then you want one.

Ask yourself if a right hand ring would also be a thing you want, or whether you want this ring to stack with wedding and engagement specifically.

My husband got me mine for my birthday just after I’d had the first baby. But other people get them for first/tenth anniversaries. I’ve bought myself a relatively expensive right hand ring because I liked it and it was pretty.

His reaction is a bit odd - does he have things that once chosen can never be added to? Has he had the same watch since he was 20? Or is it just because this is an expensive ask?

You shouldn’t feel silly for wanting one. They are very common.

I’m v quite surprised by all the posters who profess never to have heard of eternity rings…

The way your h reacted was odd, I think, guaranteed to shut you down.

If you’re buying him golf clubs for his anniversary gift then he can afford to get you a ring. I wonder why he feels so strongly?

i have two eternity rings/rings from my h to wear on the third finger of my right hand. They don’t detract from my wedding ring; i just fancied new rings.

Could you talk to him about it without him getting weird? If not, I’d buy yourself a nice dress ring. Or a bracelet or other piece of jewellery if he’s spoiled the idea of an eternity ring for you.

YANBU, though.

I got one after I had my third (and last) child. More than ten years of marriage. My DH happily got one for me because that is what I wanted. I actually only wear my eternity ring every day as it is the most comfortable yet pretty ring at the same time.

Also, you don’t have to have a traditional eternity ring. You could have any design you like. I chose stacking rings by Orkney designer Alison Moore, and I love them.

Yes, it used to be. I don’t know why the first anniversary but it was, traditionally.

Eternity rings aren’t a new thing.

I don’t wear mine stacked. I wear mine on the third finger of my right hand. I don’t like the feeling of too many rings together.

I don’t think it’s up to him to tell you what you should and shouldn’t want? Have you told him he “shouldn’t” want golf clubs, so you’ll get him something you think is appropriate instead?

Me too.

It's a completely normal thing to have for anniversaries, to add to your engagement ring and wedding ring. It's very common and not at all weird!

I suspect he wasn't budgeting for one, but there's some lovely ones at the mid budget point, certainly around the "new set of clubs" mark.