My husband doesn’t want to buy me an eternity ring. AIBU to want one?

[slowsausages]

20 year wedding anniversary coming up. Husband asked what I’d like and I said my only thing really is an eternity ring.
He’s acted so weird (I think) and basically taken offence to it. He thinks that wanting/getting one makes the wedding and engagement ring less special. That those rings symbolise forever and that essentially you shouldn’t need anything more.

I feel kind of offended and sad and let down. Now I feel like even if he got me one I just would feel awkward receiving it and wouldn’t have a good feeling anytime I saw it.
I feel like he’s ruined the whole idea of it.

AIBU unreasonable to feel this way?
Has anyone else’s husbands ever had similar?
I didn’t think it was a big deal and had no idea anyone would or could take it that way?

Yeah I mean I fully admit I'm not interested in rings or bling at all so maybe not the best person to comment...

But I think people sometimes get 'desire for a nice bit of bling' muddled in their head with 'does my husband appreciate me?' and it becomes an emotional flashpoint when it doesn't need to be.

Nothing wrong per se with wanting a nice flashy ring or piece of jewelry but a lot of people are a bit nonplussed by the idea that loving someone/appreciating someone necessitates a lot of these sorts of milestones.

So I'm not surprised that he's a bit "eh?" about her wanting yet another ring.

If it was me I'd be buying my own ring.

Good post

The talk of cynical marketing as if its something horrid. Businesses take decisions on marketing and how to get people to buy.

The jeweller I worked for over 25 years ago had the tag line "....if the feeling is genuine...." underneath beautiful pieces, necklaces bracelets rings all very expensive, and great quality. The message subtly being dont go to H Samuel or Argos or its not genuine

And people bought loads, and I still get folk saying oh I got my ring from xxxxxxx

There was nothing nefarious, the jewellery was great quality, but it was expensive.

Marketing and the ethos of it fascinates me, we buy what we see and hear, and as long as we treasure what we buy who gives a fiddlers fark where the idea came from

Marketing and the ethos of it fascinates me, we buy what we see and hear, and as long as we treasure what we buy who gives a fiddlers fark where the idea came from

I completely agree. I'm not particularly materialistic. I'm not into designer clothes or bags, but I do like a nice bit of jewellery. I doesn't really matter what influenced me to think like that. It's ridiculous to think that in the 21st century that we can isolate ourselves from marketers influence. What matters is what you value, what you would be willing to spend money on, and what you would appreciate in a gift.

Me too, although I ended up getting something else.

Thanks everyone, I’m reading all the replies!
the marketing thing doesn’t bother me as as many others have said, pretty much everything is marketed!! I’m not into handbags or shoes or clothes but I do love a few pieces of jewellery. I’m not expecting anything expensive.

@Grammarninjai think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He pretty much said as much, and judging by other responses he’s not the only one that thinks that way. It’s just not how I was thinking about it at all. I know lots of people with eternity rings and I just like the idea of a little bit of sparkly to go in between my wedding band and engagement ring which I never take off. It didn’t cross my mind it would somehow undermine the other rings, I say it as a symbol and something I’d like.

My thing now is the whole thing feels a bit flat and I think I’d forever just associate it with what he said so the shine is gone, and that makes me feel quite annoyed.
Maybe if he asks again I’ll mention earrings but will probably just leave it. I also feel very pretty in that I’ll probably feel a bit off about anything he gets now.

We are going away together for the weekend so that’s the treat, I suggested we don’t bother with gifts initially as weekend is pricey and he’s the one who said he would like to get me one!
I suppose there’s a very slight chance he’s getting one as a surprise but why ask if so and also he won’t have my size and also why would you then make a fuss about the concept!

Tell him you deserve compensation for being married to him 😁 I was given a cheap second hand one after 10 years. The stones fell out 🙄

Are you asking if OP if in perimenopause, or has reach menopause? I imagine it's quite likely if they have been married for 20 years.
Do you ask this of every woman "of a certain" age? ie is that the first thing you think of when a woman over 35 expresses herself in a way you deem melodramatic?

I got an eternity ring on our 25th anniversary. Maybe you/he could save up till then. Wearing 3 rings is hardly over the top is it!?

Edited to add that my original engagement ring has a tiny tiny diamond as we were students.

exactly the same, I don’t know anyone in my immediate family or friends who have been married a significant time who don’t have eternity rings.

Mine compliments my rings beautifully and doesn’t take anything away.

My mum used to get a new set of all 3 every 10 years depending on what stone she liked at the time! 😂

She is being melodramatic and she’s reflected on that. Hormones do affect how we think and feel and there’s no shame in recognizing that. Rage at folk online is also another symptom I had before I started hrt. The woman doesn’t have a horrible husband - she’d just got herself in a state overthinking..

It's only a nice ring, I couldn't be bothered to get wound up about it. But I'm not particularly sentimental about things, to me actions are more important.

It's a shame he sees it as detracting from the other rings, rather than adding to. They're all just pretty things with arbritrary meanings attached - all this one would say is woo hoo we've been together for 20 years, go us. If the name eternity feels off to him then rebrand it as a vicennial or a score ring!
I totally hear you that his response has taken the shine (pun semi intended) off the idea now though. I'd suggest neither of you buy presents and you buy yourself a fuck it, because I can ring. I'm not married but have got a lot of jewellery that I buy myself for special occasions, including a diamond ring for my 40th and a bracelet to recently celebrate losing weight and 'only' being overweight again!

Of course hormones affect us and there is no shame.
I don't think OP is raging at people online.
She has not mentioned hormones or her menstrual cycle at all in her responses.
How would it go down in the workplace is someone asked if you were menopausal? You could have just asked if OP was stressed.

Taking the whole ring thing out of it, it's just annoying if someone asks what you want and the is dismissive of what you ask for. Why bother?

Get yourself a victoria cross for putting up with him

I'm not an eternity ring person, in part because my engagement ring has a sizeable diamond, but surely all commercially made jewellery is commercial exploitation? How are eternity rings any different? I mean, even wedding rings aren't a necessity.

Regardless, I think it's pretty crap to ask what you want and then disregard it, @slowsausages

I think that’s funny too, to be fair! (I’m also not interested in the concept and I think my DH would rightly give me short shrift if I asked for one given how many times I’ve lost my wedding and engagement rings and been without them for months only for them to turn up in a teapot or something).
OP if he’s not usually tight with presents then I think he probably does feel like he says which I don’t think is unreasonable. I’d ask for a luxury holiday instead!

I never thought of having one because my engagement ring was a three stone crossover style. I'd gone into the jewellers with a repair and spotted a wave ring half diamonds. Tried it on was perfect. Our 25th wedding anniversary was coming up so DH bought it. I know two women who had them after first babies who'd not been married long though

The wedding and engagement ring “aren’t enough?” They were bought over 20 years ago! What is wrong with wanting an eternity ring as a present from your supposedly loving husband? The only person acting weirdly is your husband!! Why hasn’t he bought you an eternity ring or another nice piece of jewellery since the first ones 20 years ago?

@slowsausages you aren't being unreasonable and he sounds a meanie. However, after 20 years, you mist know what he's like and must have known he'd put the dampeners on it. In your circs I'd probably have said, ok you want golf clubs, I want a ring. You buy the clubs, I'll buy the ring and we can exchange cards.

DH bought me one at 10 years. I wasn't expecting the gesture. He gave me a budget, I chose it. 25 years on still love it and it complements our vows rather than taking away from the initial rings.

If you want one, buy one for yourself. I bought myself a pearl necklace and earrings for our 30th. He woukdn't have dreamt of it. I told him and why and he just went "oh, I see, and unexpectedly left a cheque on my bedside table the following morning.

Just looked up cost, £2500,

After 20 years you probably deserve to have your sparkly ring. But his reaction will have spoiled the idea for you. My ex also disappointed me and I’m afraid it festered.
YANBU. My second DH bought me one after 10 years. I don’t think he really understood why I wanted one - but he knew it meant a lot to me. And I love both him and my rings.

I agree with this… no one is immune and its ridiculous to say you are.

But I still think its problematic when your idea of your value in the relationship is so closely bound up with what someone who is trying to sell you a product sees as your worth.

I can understand why people (men mostly) object to being asked to provide bling as a token of affection. Call me cynical but it seems a bit transactional.

Married 32 years. Never had one. A few years ago I saw a nice plain silver ring at a craft fair. Cost £25 a few years back. Husband bought me it but I wear it on other hand.

My stepdad gave my Mum and eternity ring straight after their wedding, people are different. My hubby hasn't a clue and I have a good friend who's a jeweller (dangerous combo😂) and she'd got a pretty one that looked just right on my sausage fingers so I bought it and he's never noticed...!