My husband doesn’t want to buy me an eternity ring. AIBU to want one?

[slowsausages]

20 year wedding anniversary coming up. Husband asked what I’d like and I said my only thing really is an eternity ring.
He’s acted so weird (I think) and basically taken offence to it. He thinks that wanting/getting one makes the wedding and engagement ring less special. That those rings symbolise forever and that essentially you shouldn’t need anything more.

I feel kind of offended and sad and let down. Now I feel like even if he got me one I just would feel awkward receiving it and wouldn’t have a good feeling anytime I saw it.
I feel like he’s ruined the whole idea of it.

AIBU unreasonable to feel this way?
Has anyone else’s husbands ever had similar?
I didn’t think it was a big deal and had no idea anyone would or could take it that way?

Vow renewals are equally naff.

hmmm, tricky. I do still believe that he was being massively unreasonable to react negatively to your honest answer. That’s how you train people to not voice their honest opinions!!

To me personally eternity rings (or any kind of ring given after the wedding!) aren’t about being “more” important than the wedding ring.

But they do affirm the choice you and your DH made 20 years ago. It symbolises that he and you would make the same choices again (him giving you a ring and you accepting it).

Don’t feel silly! If you like jewellery then why not have another ring to commemorate your life together so far? Why is that different from your DH enjoying a set of golf clubs? I would want another ring because they are pretty and I feel happy when I look at my jewellery. Your DH is BU!

I love my eternity ring, received it on birth of second/final child.

Pretty much everything is a cynical push by someone to make someone spend money on something, so you quite limited on what you can ask for if you are avoiding that.

I think the eternity ring is a bit spoilt now by DH attitude but you could ask him for another piece of jewellery.

This!! He asked. She answered.

he decided to get huffy instead of respecting his wife’s wish and making her happy. Which is pretty shitty!

i got mine after I had our first child it was my Xmas present that year, had no idea he was getting me one and I love it. Most people I know have one.

If it’s money thats his problem, you can get a quarter of a carat real diamond rings (in silver) on TJC the jewellery channel website for £60. for example item number 8493574.

i got a ring from there (1 carat under £200) and took it to my jeweller whi tested it and confirmed it was indeed diamonds. lab grown are so inexpensive niw, it’s great. they are real diamond chips that get put under pressure, geat and chemicals like in nature and they are grown to larger sizes. So identical to mined diamonds.

Not sure if he’s already bought you one and that’s why he is being weird, or if he’s worried about the cost and doesnt know lab diamonds are real diamonds. Or if he’s planning on not beimg around. Only you know him.

In my experience if you tell a man you want xyz and tell him how much and what shop you have more chance of getting what you want. if he’s determined no ring go for earrings?

I developed an allergy to the nickel in my gold jewellery so at 20 years went platinum.

Hi OP.
I've been married for 51 years so my rings are old but still lovely.
I, like you wanted an eternity ring.I tried a few on and honestly they looked ridiculous, 3 rings squashed onto my finger..I have slim fingers but it put me off completely, so I wear it on my right hand. Best of both worlds.
Hope you can decide what to do 🙂

I have never been able to understand why people make such a fuss about rings in the first place. Engagement rings/wedding rings: why? Eternity rings are yet another way to prise money out of a grudging husband because a woman feels she needs yet another bit of bling.

Sorry I am with your husband and I feel if you want it you need to pay for it yourself.

Same for me. I’d left my wedding and engagement rings at home whilst I was in hospital and DH had gone back to the jewellers we’d bought them from do he could get the sizing right. I had an extended stay in hospital, so he had the time. Thirty two years of marriage and three children later, I’m still wearing it. Fits nicely between the other two rings.

@slowsausages
I’ve not read the full thread - I always fancied an eternity ring, but my dh has always been really firmly against; he told me the modern concept of an eternity ring was invented by deBeers, the diamond merchants, as a way of successfully using up the large numbers of small diamonds that they had. It was entirely a sales and marketing decision, in terms of how it was framed and marketed. I have to say, hearing about the cynical (and highly commercial) roots of the eternity ring has made it far less appealing to me, so I no longer want one!

I have 6 particularly significant pieces of jewellery given to me by my DP.None of them are the result of cynical marketing exercises.

You could reframe it as 'I would love a nice ring for our anniversary ' and remove the eternity word😆. You are within your rights to ask for this and he can either say yes or not. If I were him, I would feel great that I didn't have to come up with a surprise. (It also annoys me when someone asks what I would like as a gift then dismiss it. What is the actual point? )

I know they were traditional after the birth of the first child but what does that exactly mean? Now you have produced my heir, this marriage is forever? I wasn’t so sure before?

In any case, I think you both probably overreacted. Wanting a pretty ring isn’t a bad thing. He’s probably allowed to find the concept of an eternity ring a bit confusing.

If you love your pieces then cynical marketing can get to fuck

I worked for a very high end jeweller for years, and the whole ethos of selling all items of jewellery is "cynical" or some would say clever marketing.

My husband took advantage of my staff discount and the fact he could throw a few quid off each month, so I have some nice bits, which I love.

The Birkin bags, the Jimmy Choos, the Cartier watches, none of them are needed, essential items, they are all marketed and lots of people spend squillions on them.

What one person thinks is unnecessary or naff someone else will treasure.

I get a bit fed up of the why would you want one on here. She simply fancied one!

Yes exactly! Op you don’t need to justify wanting an eternity ring to your dh or to anyone else…. You just answered his question! How about saying I’d like one of the rings with precious stones, perhaps diamonds, all in a row.. some have 5, some 7, you know, because we love each other every day of the week, or diamonds all the way around. I mean it is the marketing that has made him argue that you are already promised forever.

YANBU to want one. I want one too. My husband is not exactly against the idea but I know he doesn’t really see the point. I did hint at getting one after the birth of our first child which is traditional but I’ve had two babies now and still no ring. To be fair it does seem like a silly thing for us to spend money on when we have a new baby and everything is expensive enough already, though it’s fine if you can afford it. I don’t think it makes the wedding and engagement rings less special. It’s just a meaningful piece of jewellery that you like the look of and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t think your husband should be telling you what you can and can’t like.

Oh the drama! Maybe take the hint and stop sounding so needy, it's very unattractive.

You're definitely not silly for wanting one! Do you plan to wear it instead of your other rings? If so I can understand (but don't agree with) his point - but you could wear it on your right hand. I see my engagement ring as a physical reminder of his love when I'm feeling down. The eternity ring is similar - a daily reminder and celebration of your 20 years of marriage and commitment. Could he see it from that side?

I don't own any but that doesn't make me love them less.

I especially like my engagement ring and my birthstone necklace.

But DeBeers also popularised the concept of diamond engagement rings and how many of us have them? In the 1930s engagement rings were falling out of fashion and only 10% of engagement rings bought in America had a diamond. DeBeers made a commercial decision to persuade the public that an engagement ring is essential, and a diamond is the only acceptable stone for an engagement ring. That's where the slogan 'diamonds are forever' came from.

The problem is the name of the ring. What you want is a beautiful ring but what he's hearing is that the rings he's bought you to date aren't signifying enough.
Ask him for a diamond studded ring and leave it there.

My engagement ring cost about £17 in 2007, my wedding ring is sterling silver (because I wanted a chunky ring and prefer silver.) That was around £30 in 2014. Rings don't have to be expensive.

I have a shit load of bling, but no husband. Left him in 2018, (Freedom, priceless!) although I still wear the jewellery he gave me. (I'm sat wearing a beautiful Art Nouveau style necklace from him. That was from Argos.)

Well you're rude. He asked her a question, she answered. How the fuck is that 'needy'?