Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

@burnedoutgrandma how do you think the mother feels?
Yes she over away and it’s not as easy to have overnights randomly .
However the issue here is your son has to get his own place orbits too much for you .
Does she work ?
If so how does she juggle childcare ?
who pays for said child care ?
Does your son help financially the way he should ?

Unfortunately he has three kids and that’s his life now. If he wants a holiday why doesn’t he take them with him?

His ex working very part time suggests she probably doesn’t have any leave worth talking about or much money either.

I sympathise to an extent about rents, it’s expensive where I am too, but why doesn’t he consider moving to the lower-cost area his children are living in? That way he could afford a place and also see his children and do some parenting, rather than “childcare”.

just because his dad was a useless parent doesn’t mean your son should also be a useless parent.

So your ex was a scummy parent and you want your son to be the same? That doesn't make sense to me.

So it would make you feel better if your GC’s mother struggled as much as you did? What a nice way to push down on the next generation. You should want better for your GCs than your child had. It’s not a race to the bottom.

And stop framing it as “childcare”. Your son is not providing “childcare”, he is parenting his kids. What else is he going to use his annual leave on? He’s a father of 3! And you should not be taking leave to help him out, leave him to it-I’m sure his ex doesn’t have another adult on hand to provide support. She’ll just be getting on with it.

It’s funny isn’t it how in the majority of breakups the woman manages to be able to afford to house herself and her kids and the man invariably moves back in with mummy? I wonder why.

Precisely. What would happen if his ex wanted 50/50?
Quite honestly your DS needs to buck up his ideas pdq.

There is no annual leave from parenting.

He could request parental leave from work. Legally he is allowed unpaid time off.

There are 13 weeks of school holidays. He should be in charge of 6.5 of those.

25 days is 5 weeks but there are a few bank holidays he could be using so that he doesn’t have to take holiday for those. So he probably only needs a week of unpaid parental leave.

Maybe he could take his children away on holiday so he isn’t bothering you at home.

Or he could research and pay for holiday clubs too.

All working parents have these issues. You don’t get to bow out of parenting because you don’t have enough annual leave from work.

Rage bait surely?

He should parent his kids half the time and what do you think his ex spends her holidays on.

Just because your ex husband was a loser doesn’t mean your son has to be a loser.

It’s ok that you don’t want to parent his kids. That’s normal. But he should be providing a home and taking responsibility for his children. It’s his job. Have them - look after them.

Your post is very misogynistic.

Why are these men such fucking useless babies! I left my ex dh, found a house to rent, paid rent and worked full time while having my dc 50% of the time. He needs to try harder @burnedoutgrandma stoo enabling him

He can’t drive so couldn’t live where she is. Public transport isn’t good at all. He has all his family here and his work. He can’t just move.

Can’t drive, can’t look after his dc, earns a shit wage. He’s a bloody prize! Well done!

Can he find something cheap in the area where she has moved to, even if its just a small flat? The reality is that he has a responsibility and needs to find a way to make it work. It won't be easy, and to be fair to you, I understand that it might be difficult for you dealing with the children as much as you are, be he needs his own place.

So she’s basically asking him to have his own children half of each holiday! Sounds pretty fair to me. I’d be making him have them more in the summer seen as it’s 6 weeks. Why should she have to take all the time off or spend shit loads in club?? Good for her I say

This is unbelievable most parents use all their annual leave on their children, and then pay for clubs or childcare to cover the rest of the holiday. Why do you think it’s only mums job to do this and not dads? Just because you had a useless parent as an ex doesn’t mean your son should be - I’m shocked that given your own experience you aren’t encouraging your son to step up and do better. If he’s so poor that he can’t move out of his mums house then the very least he can do is as much childcare as possible during the school hols.
if you find it exhausting then you should keep away from them, visit friends, go on your own holidays or say that dad needs to take them away (eg a cheap caravan trip) during those weeks

He’s one of those who thinks he’s owed everything and has to do nothing In return…charming!

i feel very sorry for your ex DIL. She’s absolutely right, you are interfering in DS relationship with his children. He should be expecting to look after them 6/7 weeks of their holiday a year as a minimum. In term time he’s only having them 2 days out of 14. You don’t have to have them at all (although it would be nice if you wanted to). If it’s too much for you to have them at your house then he needs to move out. Maybe he should move nearer his children to the cheaper area? It he doesn’t want to do that he needs a better job.
For context, my DH and I are still together and both used all of our holiday for childcare when they were young enough to need it. It’s not forever.

The ex doesn't seem to be asking you to provide childcare. She's asking a parent to parent their own dc. Your ds is doing way way less than half, and has absolutely no right to complain.

If you don't want to have your grandchildren in the house, you'll have to ask your ds to move out, because he has a legal and ethical obligation to care for his dc.

Don't you want your ds to meet the minimum bar for being a good enough dad? He really doesn't seem to be doing a lot. The dc are entitled to relationships with both their parents.

Can’t he take them away to a caravan park for a week at the beginning and end of the holidays so they are not with you?

His family are his kids! JFC.

He can get another job.

Is this a reverse? Creative writing?

Your apologies….son 🤦‍♀️ is a parent and has responsibilities to 3 children.. 2 weeks of the summer holidays is nothing.

This isn’t decent behaviour OP

I mean he is their parent. He should be doing half the parenting. That includes using up your annual leave and paying for holiday clubs.

Just because your ex was shit don’t let that trickle down the generations to your son. Set the bar higher.

Though I guess the saying behind every shit baby daddy is a granny singing his praises is true here 🤣

How old are you OP? I get kids are tiring when you're older but you do have a funny attitude! They're his kids ... surely all parents use the vast majority, if not all, of their annual leave with their kids. What is he hoping to do with his leave ... lads holidays?

If you're not willing to have your grandchildren in your home then their dad needs to move out.

He is equally responsible for his children and should be sharing the holidays with their mum (and seeing them more during term time... every other weekend is nothing).

Of course he uses most of his annual leave on looking after his children, he's a parent and that's his job.

But an 1h 20 away isn't even far! I commute that daily for work. No reason your ds can't step up to his responsibilities to his dc when they are so close! I'd expect him to be seeing them more regularly and sharing the parenting with their mum.

Wow. Just...wow