Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

So do you have some twisted belief that because you had no help with your children after a split, your sons ex shouldn't either. I honestly can't believe you actually encouraged/demanded he has his children less rather than more. Sorry but you're a massive arsehole for that.

Your son needs to find a place of his own if you are finding his children too much you are allowed peace in your old age but he is their dad and he needs to be a dad and look after his own children, it isn't " childcare"

Yep, I take ALL of my annual leave on my kids. As does my DH. As do most parents. Or they book holiday clubs or pay for childcare.

It doesn't matter what she works... she is raising those children, he's barely interacting with them! 2 nights in every 14 and you're complaining he's spending too much time with the kids.

The issue is that he shouldn't be living with and annoying you.

Then he should claim UC.

Your son is a deadbeat dad @burnedoutgrandma and you need to take a step back.
You also need to tell him to clear up after his DC and do their washing and all the shopping and cooking for them.

He's lazy and entitled - but you raised him.

There are 13 weeks school holiday in a year. Your son should be doing 6 1/2 weeks, or 45 days of school holiday care.

They are half his children.

Make him move out if it's too much for you.

So he moves nearer his ex if its cheaper and shares being a parent equally.

Your darling son needs to move out and get a place of his own if the kids are too much hassle at your house. 2 out of 6 weeks and you said no! How do you think she copes?

So your ex was a deadbeat dad. Do you want your son to be a shit dad too?

So maybe if where you live is too expensive, he should live in the cheaper area his ex and HIS CHILDREN live and stop hiding out with mummy.

Oh I do wonder why she had to move away for support!

Of course he should see them more at weekend and school holidays. I get normal weekdays it's more practical for them to be with mum due to school/her working very PT and distance but even more reason to prioritise school holidays.

You seem to think because you had it tough as a single mum that she should suffer too.

I get that you find it too much having them in your house but your son created 3 kids so he needs to get a better job and put a roof over their heads.

So because your ex was a totally shit parent, you expected your ds to be a totally shit parent as well?

Do you not understand that the children are his responsibility as much as they are their mother's?

You need to name change as this is so embarrassing for you. The ex will also be using all her annual leave on parenting during the holidays and paying for holiday clubs. Just as your DS should be!

The starting point should be him having them for 50% of the time. If he negotiates less that is between him, his ex, and the kids and he should pay maintenance accordingly. You can not complain that a father is having his kids too much

Is this a reverse?

It does sound like you have a DS problem and he isn't actually actively parenting his children, especially if its taking up your annual leave.

Its absolutely normal to use your annual leave to spend time with your children. My ex has always done 50ish% of the holidays (he usually works round my work schedule tbf!)

At one point my dad had to move back in with his mum when he had 6 kids (4 who were under 18) and I know it must have been stressful for her, after having 8 kids of her own to be descended on by 4 or more kids every weekend. I understand having them at your house isn’t ideal, but at the end of the day his ex wife is really not asking him for a lot of childcare. I would say low end of normal.

If you want to help him and these kids focus on helping him find somewhere to rent or somewhere to stay where he can have the kids. Depending on ages a 2 bed flat would possibly do it (2 kids in one room, sofa bed, or kids in bed rooms him on the sofa). It’s not ideal and it’s not a long term solution but that way he can do his job as a dad and he won’t be in your hair with 3 kids. It doesn’t have to be perfect it just has to be good enough.

I'm going to try to be nice and give you the benefit of the doubt here.

The standard breakdown of custody these days for separated parents is 50/50.

Mum 50% of the time.
Dad 50% of the time.

It's time for your son to step up into his responsibilities. This isn't the 1980s.

Their father is taking TOO MUCH OF HIS ANNUAL LEAVE TO HAVE HIS KIDS?!

WHAT?! 🙄🙄🙄😂😂😂

This is a heartbreaking post. Why on earth are you getting involved. If your ex daughter in law manages to watch her own kids, their father should be able to manage it. No idea why you are taking off work, why you don’t want to see your grandkids, or why you are actively encouraging your son to be a useless human being.

YABU not to think your DS should do half the school holidays.
YANBU to feel tired when they stay with you - your DS needs to move out!

Presumably his ex has to manage most of the time with the kids? It is poor that your ex did not give you more support but that doesn’t mean your DS should do the same.

Splitting up IS expensive. If you don't want more time with the kids in your house tell your Ds to take them on holiday to a caravan park or something.

It's generous of you to house your Ds and to support him in childcare but you have absolutely no right to assume that he should do any less than 50% cover for holidays, weekend etc, and you have absolutely no right to interfere and approach his ex.

If the arrangements don't suit you (fine - it IS a lot having a house full of kids once you are beyond you own parenting stage) - then you address and negotiate that with your Ds and he needs to come up with a solution of meeting his agreement, obligations, and wish to spend to with his kids in a way that doesn't put pressure on you.

Why do you need to take time off? Surely he can manage to look after his own children without help from his Mum?! I don't think it sounds like he has them too much at all, the problem is he doesn't live independently!

As he can't afford his own place he just needs to provide all care when he has them. If he pays for clubs and activities fine. Does he expect you to help?

You shouldn't take time off work to assist, just leave them to it if it's stressful.

It is a good thing thst he has such a good relationship with his kids. Maybe in the hols he could book a week's camping or something so they're away some of it?

Perhaps he should move to somewhere more affordable to be nearer to his kids & commute to keep his wage?

Or perhaps he's already looked into this?

I mean a decent dad would wouldn't they?

Weird cos when my kids were little I spent 100% of my annual leave looking after them. Like most normal people do.
Of course the mother works part time if the father can’t/wont step up and parent equally.
Jesus, this must be a reverse, no one is genuinely this stupid are they?

Can see why the bloke is dumped though. Low paid and low input with his children. Bet he doesn't cook or clean behind himself while he's sponging living with you @burnedoutgrandma.

You're his mum. Tell him what being a husband and a father involves.

Sharing the domestic load (cleaning, cooking, laundry).
Sharing childcare equally.
NOT sponging off female relatives.

So because your ex was a shit parent you think that justifies your DS being shit too! My ex has ours 50% of the time, that doesn’t make him a hero in my eyes! Just a parent.