Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Can he take leave and book a week in a cottage or chalet and then it won’t impact on you?
Agree with PP that he should be sharing the care of the children but the issue is that it impacts you as he lives with you.
He needs to consider this when making arrangements.

Only read op but are you having a laugh? Too much on him? Too much of his annual leave? You LET them stay? Ffs

What option would she have with such a rubbish coparent

He's not a grandparent though, he's a parent.

If he needs more ‘time
off’ your son will be entitled to (unpaid) government mandated parental leave on top of his regular annual leave, and some workplaces have various options for getting extra leave days. Essentially he will just have to do the juggle that most parents have to do to ensure their children are cared for during school holidays, rather than leaving it to his ex

It sounds like you're treating your son as if he's a teen dad. At 35k a year he could certainly afford a flat in London, I have friends on the same salary who have fairly central flats. He's barely paying you any rent and he does no work for his kids. At the very least if he's paying you so little he should have a good amount saved up to move out.

You need to stop doing childcare, for him and his kids. Ultimately having to be more responsible will be good for him.

Is this a reverse?

Summer holidays are 6 weeks he could perhaps take them away for a week or two as he's living with you he can't be paying loads out.

It’s not childcare… he’s their parent.

This is bonkers. He is a total waste of space. What job does he do that pays so little in London?

His ex’s expectations are completely reasonable. It’s also reasonable though for you not to want to facilitate that, in which case the best and only solution is for him to move out and step up to be a proper parent to his kids.

I'm afraid you're letting your own useless former partner who let you do all the "childcare" influence your view. It's not your ex-DIL's fault your son can't get a better job and can't pass his test. Or that when he's not letting her do the parenting it falls on you. I would focus on trying to get him to learn some adult skills.

Your exDIL cares for your Grandchildren full time save 2 days each fortnight and you think it's unreasonable for her to ask for help in the holidays?

At or above that stipulated by cms?

I believe he pays between 150-200 per child a month but I’m not 100%.

Wow, your DS sounds like a real winner. No wonder the ex moved away.

He has a crappy job, lives with his mommy, doesn't drive and his mommy doesn't want his kids around so much.

He needs to grow up, learn to drive and get another job or an additional job so he can move out and start being an adult and father to his children.

Did you really think people on here would think 'ach that terrible, poor chap, no Downton ' (aside from the other 12 days a fortnight and 10 weeks of school holidays when the children are with the mum. It's really a ridiculous thought process

Surely this is a wind up? Ofcourse parents take most of their holiday to cover childcare.

I am shocked that a grandmother can be such an appalling chauvinist and seems horrified that her son needs to parent his own children. Two weeks of parenting in the summer holidays is NOTHING. The summer holidays are five and a half / six weeks long! Their mum is doing well over half and asking for some much needed respite from the children’s own father. How can this be too much?! OP says the children are high needs and hard work (for her; her son is apparently rather useless) but has apparently never given a moment’s though to the children’s mother and how much she is doing (waaaaaay more of the parenting). Instead, she seeks to judge her for working part time - as if she has any other option to juggle everything! So disappointing. Using 22 out of 25 days of annual leave to be with your kids is NORMAL. I am a mum, I spend 100% of my days of annual leave with my kids. It’s called parenting. Oh to have three days off to myself (let alone countless weekends and weeknights)! If the grandmother is finding it hard work (unsurprising if she’s nearing retirement) the grandmother just needs to LET HER SON SORT HIMSELF OUT. He is well into adulthood, is a parent himself and needs to learn to step up to his responsibilities. OP needs to cut the umbilical chord, show some solidarity with those of her own sex, stop babying her adult son and let him take responsibility for his own obligations. The suggestion that her son spending time with his children seems “too much” because that was not the norm in her day is pathetic. It was probably the norm in her day to smack kids for “misbehaving” but I’m hoping she’s not doing that either. I’m guessing in her day, her son would have been able to afford his own home and been able to drive. Times change. If OP finds it too much to have the kids for a couple of weeks, she should stop getting so involved and give herself a much needed holiday when they are visiting and check into a hotel elsewhere. Let her son be a parent and stop acting like parenting your own children is “too much” or makes him some kind of hero. It’s the very bloody least he can do.

So because you hardly got any help, now all women should just get on with themselves?

I find this such a bizarre point of view.

I see on here so much about people saying that gp are expected of too much and do a lot of childcare so I was expecting different opinions.

But you think too much is expected of your son in terms of being a father. His ex should be getting on with it herself according to you.

You should be allowed to live how you want, in your own house.

Your son.. The dad.. Should have his kids that amount minimum.

You as grandmother can see grandchildren when planned and suitable for all parties.. Giving you space and also family time.

Your Son needs to find somewhere to live to enable him to raise his children.

YANBU I would hate my house being taken over by 3 kids for weeks at a time.

Time for you DS to put his big boy pants on, get his own place and start parenting his kids.

So he takes home £2345.31 pcm (that includes the £42 he's paying on his student loan) excluding overtime. He pays you £300 and he pays out max £400 for his children so that leaves £1645.31 pcm. What is he doing with his money? He could totally afford to rent a place on his own, he'd just have less "fun money" every month.

He’s got 3 kids but your general point still stands. He can certainly afford holiday club.

3 kids, so max £600 on cms. Still your point stands. £1,445/month left. Evidently doesn't spend it on driving lessons.

I think there are 3 kids so more like £1445pm disposable income BUT agreed... its ridiculous that he is still living with mummy.

I sure hope he's saving that money for a lovely house for his kids (but we all know he 100% isn't because he couldn't give a flying toss).

Umbrella surprised he hasn't tried to get a Nanny with a Fanny yet, but I guess he's too busy being minded by his mummy to meet anyone.