Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

I'm hoping this is a reverse.

It's your house, even if he is paying you rent (I assume he is). So you can decide what your limits are on when additional guests stay over. Tell your son the limits and he should communicate with his ex, not you. If she contacts you, refer her to him. It is up to him to find a living arrangement which permits him to have his children as much as he can/wants to/has agreed. If his current living arrangement doesn't allow this, he needs to move out.
In addition, the children being at your house should not mean you need to take annual leave. They are his children, not yours.

Obviously limiting the amount the children can stay may have an effect on your long-term relationship with your son and grandchildren, but that is your decision.

So is he saving to move out or what then it doesn't effect you when he parents his own children

This he needs his own house and to manage it and his children himself. For all their holidays it is called parenting.

You need to be sticking a rocket up his backside for him to grow up and do so and parent.

He needs to move out. Failing that maybe he can stay elsewhere, or take them on holiday when they are with him in the school hols.

Your only involvement and say in this is effectively as the owner and a resident of the house in which he lodges. It's none of your business how often he agrees to have them. You can say 'not in my home' though. Why are you taking annual leave? Why do you think you can decide how much is 'too much?

I think you're way too invested in, and therefore controlling of his affairs. Take a step back and tell him to get his own place.

@burnedoutgrandma the issue isn't how much he has the dc, it's the fact that he's living with you. It's not unreasonable for his ex to expect him to take on a reasonable share of school holiday care but unreasonable for your son to expect that to be in your home.
If he had his own place he could do his share of parenting without imposing on you. You could support up to the level you're comfortable with in his home. So that's what needs to happen now. Maybe somewhere a bit closer to where the dc are living now?

He should be having his kids for at least half the holidays, and he should be looking after them himself. If you don't want them in your house, he needs to move out.

Your DS should be having them half of the holidays. It means him taking annual leave or using childcare but presumably that's what his ex does on her time. If it's too much for you then he needs to find his own place to live.

Your son is a parent. She is asking him to parent his own children for a few weeks each year. How could this possibly be unreasonable?

This is not about childcare because your son is not a childminder or a nanny. He is a parent. He has responsibilities.

If you do not like his children being around so much, then by all means, ask your son to move out. But please do not ask him to shirk his most basic duties as a parent.

You are being so unreasonable that I'm struggling to believe you're really real.

Wow, expecting a dad to provide childcare for his children is described as “childcare” and put forward as being “too much” when the mum is doing the daily grind of school etc. unbelievable. I can’t believe a mum would feed this nonsense to her son. He’s their dad so 50:50 should be the ideal starting point.

Yanbu

Your son has every right to see his kids as much as he wants and it sounds like he has them less than half of the total holidays.

The problem is he moved in with you and expects you to use YOUR annual leave to
look after HIS kids.

that’s not fair

he saves money living with you. So either he needs to move out, pay for childcare or even better he needs to take time off work and take the kids away for the week camping or whatever.

His annual leave should almost stretch assuming he has 5 weeks:

Two half terms is 9 days (due to bank hol); then 10 days in summer; say 3 days at Christmas and 3 at Easter (assuming he has them for some of the bank holidays)

Then maybe you top up two days at Easter and 2 at Christmas to kindly help out?

if the problem is the noise and disruption he needs to buy a tent and take the kids camping on the holidays!

Due to the cost of living he came to move with me
Many single fathers manage to have their own place and have their children regularly despite the cost of living. Why can't your son?

He needs to get his own place and start parenting. If I was his ex I’d be applying to court to get a child arrangements order in place where he’d have them every other weekend and half the holidays as a minimum. What a pathetic specimen of a father you’ve raised. Too much for him to parent his kids a few days a month ffs. You’re having a laugh. You shouldn’t be doing any child care so more fool you if you are. Is he not competent to look after the children he created? Does he need mummy to rescue him? You both sound ridiculous.

He should be having them half of the holidays.

Why does it impact your annual leave when your DS is parenting - not childcare parenting - his children?

1. You don’t take time off work to help your son look after his own children.
2. Your son has to take time off or arrange holiday clubs because why should it all fall on his ex? Do you think she has unlimited leave?

YA so far into BU I don’t even know where to start!!

They are his kids as well. He is not being used for child care he is doing his share and not even a big share at that. In a seven week summer holiday he is doing 2 weeks she is doing the rest. Your interfering is going to ruin his relationship with his kids. He is an adult if he wants to have them you don't get to "feel" that it is too much for him. She will also be using her annual leave to look after the kids it's what parents do.

I can't believe you've written this.

Assuming this is actually your real life, you've got yourself so confused, so messed up that you've lost all sense of....I don't know, reality? Truth? Morality? Reason?

These are his CHIDLREN. This isn't childcare he's providing. He should be RAISING them, full time ideally, half of the time if they've split.

You need to take a step back from his life and see what's really going on here. Everything you're saying is so outrageously wrong.

You are having a laugh , he is there father so why shouldn’t he use his annual leave to look after them

He took 22 days out of his 25 of annual leave last year on the kids. I just find it all overwhelming when they are here. He can’t move out, no way he could afford it with where we live and his wage. She works very part time.

Well it is not too much no
If he's working he books holiday clubs. Like anyone else would have to.
If they weren't with him then she would have to sort the holidays wouldn't she so what's the difference

I mean the problem is that you don't want them for that long. But that means then that it's not convenient for him to live there so you'll have to tell him that

I agree completely with @Hermanfromguesswho, @burnedoutgrandma.

Your son has three children and should be taking far more responsibility for looking after HIS OWN CHILDREN! Stop enabling and encouraging your ds to be an absent, useless father, and instead encourage him to become a parent.

The problem is he moved in with you and expects you to use YOUR annual leave to look after HIS kids

It seems like OP has decided it's all too much for her precious prince and is taking the time off to help him, not that she's taking leave and he's at work. She also mention s him booking them into holiday club, which is perfectly normal but she finds it outrageous!

Many people take up most of their leave for the kids when they've got kids

You're talking like it's out of the ordinary

Very amused by how pathetic he is. How embarrassing for you both.