Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Could you go away for a week or 2 so the dad can have his children at your house without you needing to be there? Or he takes them away to a holiday or caravan park for 2 weeks. It sounds like he needs to learn to be fully responsible for them for a prolonged time

Yeah it's so annoying when you're expected to actually parent your own kids. I thought I'd be able to keep all my leave for my own pursuits but no, the little cherubs have school holidays regularly. Your poor son, this must be such a shock to him.

🙄

Childcare 🤣

When you have kids 100% of your leave tends to go on them

There are 13 weeks of holidays each each. He should be having them, or organising clubs, for at least half of them, so 6-7 weeks.

This living arrangement doesn't seem to be working and you are damaging his relationship with his kids. What's the long term plan

Do your DC have a good relationship with their Dad after that level of contact?

Sorry you’re finding it tough, but you sound totally out of touch with parenting.

Your DS made these children and they are his responsibility. If his ex died, they would be his 100% of the time.

You can’t just fob them off because you’d rather not be dealing with it all.

Well, he can’t anyway.

Sorry kids I can’t have you for the holidays. Granny finds you to tiring.

Sorry kids. Dad can’t have you more. Granny won’t let him.

Both of those sound great don’t they.

or sorry kids daddy can’t have you more as he won’t find his own place to live and granny doesn’t want you there too much.

Heart warming stuff. Makes me feel all fuzzy inside ❤️🤣

I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids.

Few things on this site leave me speechless but this was one of them.

The fact that your ex was shit doesn’t mean you should be enabling your son to be equally so.

Near retirement age.

i just didn’t expect this amount if im honest. Even my friends comment on how much the kids are here in the holidays.

So learning to drive should be a priority.

He is an adult and a father. He needs to start adulting. If he didn't want to have adult responsibility he shouldn't have produced 3 babies.

What if his ex was as useless as him?

Mums that raise useless sons like this are partly to blame for the male loneliness epidemic. Women will no longer tolerate useless men as partners.

So he damn well should! They're his children. He should spend all of his leave with them given the chance. That's what parents do. Just because your ex was a deadbeat doesn't mean the bar is on the floor for every father and that it's somehow only the mother's job to raise the DC after a split. The problem here is entirely that he's living in your house and hence you are involved/interfering. If he can't afford to move out, you need to butt out and let him parent his children with his ex, without the influence of the shit set-up you had as single mother.

He needs to look for a better job then. Does he plan on living with you forever?

He could always rent an air b n b for a few wks and have them. Surely he can afford that given he's probably saving loads being with you.

I think there are 2 issues here.

1. The time your DS has his children is small compared to his EX wife so the holiday proposals seems like he doesnt do his fair share of caring for his children.
2. The input in caring for your DGC in your home.

Your ds is unreasonable not to share the care of his children more equitably/fairly and you are not unreasonable for not wanting to support that i your home. Perhaps your DS needs to find a home suitable for sharing the care of his children.

My mum has my DC everyday for before and after care and half the holidays while I'm working. And she's the grandmother not the father.

Your sons input is not normal. It's less than the minimum.

So because your ex was a shit dad you think your son should be too? You should be expecting him to do better than his dad did

So you don’t think it’s appropriate for the father of children to raise his own DC? You see his time with his DC as “childcare” for their mother? Your DS should be requesting 50/50 time as their father, FFS.

school holidays take up 175 days per year wow what a prince and wonderful father your son is for using up a whole 21 days of his 25 days annual leave to care for his kids and/or pay for holiday clubs how utterly selfless of him

the apple clearly didn’t fall from the tree between you and your son

They are his children, he isn't providing childcare, he is parenting. There are 13 weeks of school holidays, from what you describe he isn't doing 6.5 weeks worth, he's doing a fraction. How do you imagine she looks after them in school holidays if it isn't via holiday clubs, annual leave and asking family to help??? Assuming the children are his, they are half his responsibility, granted it is unfortunate he is living with you and having to parent in your home, but telling him he can't have his children over so he can parent suggests the arrangement isn't working, he should be looking for somewhere else to live so he can do his fair share and spend time with his children. You really shouldn't be dictating how much time he spends with his children, he needs a rethink here.

Does he provide financial support to his kids or is he useless in that regard too?

You are being so unreasonable it’s difficult to believe this is actually real. You don’t seem to have any awareness of just how unreasonable you are.

Oh dear, crap job, no house, can't drive, needs mummy to help look after his children ... The only thing he seems to have succeeded in is procreation. At least his willy works, eh?🙄

This is insane ! Of course ALL his leave should be used caring for his children just like every other parent out there !

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I am having a bad day at work this really made me laugh so thank you OP.
I now feel grateful I did not marry a guy who can only see his own children when his mum lets him.

WTF seriously.

Well really he should have them half of every holiday.

He needs to move out and get his own place.

It sounds like he wants to, to be fair. It’s his mum saying no.