Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

He should have the kids half the holidays

Yes, because the OP complained that he is paying maintenance but still had to pay for childcare during his time if he has time in the holidays. Clearly hinting that she thinks all childcare costs should be the mum’s responsibility, even if it’s during his time. Despicable grandmother.

Yes

Woah, hold on just a sec. The level of cms will have been set to reflect the % time each parent has the children and we don't know what that was, or if the mum is trying to change the arrangements.

An extra week during the summer won’t make a difference. The bandings for overnights are quite wide, it isn’t calculated exactly, it’s done in a few different bandings so he’ll be paying the right amount, unless he was just a couple of nights away from the next band.

The OP still complained that he has to pay for a couple of days of holiday club.

And one of the biggest issues with CMS is that it does not take into account the cost of childcare. One parent can have their kid every weekend and never need to pay for childcare whilst having a full time job, meanwhile the other parent needs to pay for full time childcare just to be able to work. CMS isn’t fit for purpose.

The ex in this case works part time, because that’s likely the only way she can manage childcare costs plus timing school runs. This guy has had to pay for a few days of holiday club here and there… and his mum is on here saying that’s not fair. She is despicable.

@burnedoutgrandma

You son is only able to continue a full time job because his ex still does the bulk of childcare, covering 48 weeks a year so he only need to do weekends, plus a few weeks in school holidays. To provide this childcare, to allow him to work, she needs to work part time. Which you seem to be judging:

If she went full time, would your son be willing to provide 50% of the childcare so it is a fair split between them - either by sorting out his own working hours or paying 50% of the childcare bill? Or do you think that’s her responsibility?

Because you don’t seem too pleased that he had to pay for a few days of holiday club. For his own kids. So both parents can work and have personal time.

Your son is their father. Tell him move out and have his children. Otherwise butt out and leave him to it.

Yeah. Sorry but you’re being unreasonable.

You don’t have to take time off. Your son is a grown adult, if he wants to agree to have them then it’s on him to organise childcare. If it comes at a cost to him, ie holiday clubs, then that’s his decision to make. He’s also a grown adult, grown enough to have children, and therefore grown up enough to sort himself somewhere to live in the time they’ve been separated. In that sense, he’s privileged to have a parent to move in with long term rather than fending for himself like many parents do.

As for the holidays, god forbid a father be asked to cover a third of the summer holidays. I also have two high need children, their dads have them 50% of the holidays as a week on, week off. They book holiday days, or move days off work, or request to work from home.

I think that the main issue here is that he lives with you, but that decision lies with you and not with the ex or the children.

So they are having a lovely relationship with their grandma (you).... Not their dad.
Lots of referring to 'we' - when it should be he

They are his children OP you should not be having to take whole weeks of annual leave and do lovely things with them he should be capable of doing that himself.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself and his dad and question why the pair of you raised him to be so useless as a parent.

How much?

And does he contribute to the childcare for the children in the week while his ex works?
He earns 35k and has 3 kids I bet he's not paying anything close to half their costs, what a prince

Is it possible he's telling you he's doing overtime but actually just off out in the pub with mates?

I don't understand how he's only earning 35k in London if he's working ft +overtime. And only paying you £300 a month!!

Pretty obvious why his marriage broke down isn't it

He's a manchild.

Bet his wife got sick of being treated like a housemaid no doubt doing all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/shopping etc.

OP your son needs to grow up

I can understand that given your experience you didn’t realise the children would be over so much. I can also understand that you as a grandparent may not wish for them to be there so much.
Having said all of that I voted that YABU.
I have a friend who recently broke up with her ex and they have them alternate weeks, he has moved near to her to make it work, and quite frankly he is no angel!
I think it is perfectly reasonable to use your annual leave to look after your own children. That’s what most of us do. If he lived closer they may have been able to do a deal where he uses his holiday on the days she is working, but clearly a week is more doable in this situation.
Do you possibly have a friend or family member you could stay with on one of the weeks? Have a little get away yourself?
Or to be frank as he is paying so little board could he take them away on a caravan holiday one of the weeks so they aren’t in your house?
He must have plenty of spare cash at the money.
It maybe a lot for you but it is a perfectly reasonable request from his ex to ask HIM (not you) to look after his own children for up to 1/2 of the holidays

So your problem is actually with your son really then! he needs to sort himself out and not impose his lifestyle on you to the point that you’re exhausted. Get him to move out and that would sort the issue. Also sorry if I’m not understanding, but I thought most people would be delighted to see their grandchildren for a few weeks a year.

Agree with everyone else, this is why they split up. He's a man baby. The only way he's going to be forced to step up is if he doesn't have any women to fall back on.

Wow, no wonder they broke up - he just expects the women in his life to do all the work for three children whilst he gets to play with them. He’s also only giving you £300 a month towards bills and not managing to save for somewhere for himself and the kids.
Does he reduce his payments to her when he has them for longer during the holidays, if so, does he give this to you to cover the extra expenses you have when they’re staying.
Most parents end up using lots of their annual leave on covering school holidays- that’s just a fact of life; and grandparents end up helping out too since school holidays are so much longer than workers’ annual leave but you’re clearly feeling overwhelmed by what is being asked if you and it’s up to your son to step up and look after his own kids more

They are his children, he is responsible for them as much as their Mum.

How old are you/your son?

I was going to say that I feel really sorry for your son.
You are making it difficult and making him feel guilty simply for wanting to see his children.

However, the more you post, the more it’s becoming evident that you are doing all of the hard work and him having them more absolutely does affect you.

As you’re allowing him to live with you and he’s only paying you a small amount of rent, then he should be doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning most days but especially on the days he has his children.

Rent is expensive but this isn’t working is it.

Is he planning on living with you until you die?

What’s really sad about this thread is the misogynist views you seem to have.

This has got to be a joke.

If it isn't you are simply an appalling woman and no wonder you have raised an appalling man / excuse for a father who seems to think absolutely minimal childcare compared to the standard of 50/50 is "too much". He is their parent.

He needs to move out and cut his mummy's apron strings and step up and be a real father and see his kids.

I feel terribly sorry for the ex-wife and for the kids who must know their dad is a weak excuse of a father and their grandmother dislikes them immensely.

I would think best if you step back and let DS and Ex sort it out when it gets too much for him. It's his biz, not yours. You could keep yourself to just a couple of rooms and go out a lot, see friends, cinema, whatever, so you're not in the equation. Tricky breaking your familiar family pattern BUT once you get a new habit going (of not being so involved in what is, after all, their biz) then that will be the norm and also you won't get blamed (hopefully) when they make mistakes.

You’ve raised a complete waste of space.

You do realise that all parents have to use all their annual leave to cover the school holidays surely?

Your son working full time in London on £35k needs to be looking for a better paid job or else move out of London like everyone else does!

You said that previously they were running a home and 3 children on £35k in London?! This seems highly doubtful

You also seem very over involved - making out you’re another de-facto parent with your son. That you need to be there the whole time/do all the cooking/washing for your son.

No wonder the relationship broke down if you were adding your tuppence worth about how she ought to be doing everything for your precious son and he should be using his annual leave on lads holidays when earns less than a new grad in London!

Hmm. I posted after only reading the initial OP.

Having read your subsequent updates it sounds like you are also being exploited by this man-child. But you raised him, why is he like this?

He needs to move out, whether you think he can afford it or not. If you were dead, he would have to work something out wouldn't he?

At 35k he could definitely find something, other people manage. Also, why is he so poorly paid? He needs to get a better job.