Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

He should be offering half the holidays at least but arranging his own childcare not assuming you will do it

He's their father. Not a childcare provider.

How sad for him. Every one of my holidays from work is spent with my kids. Most parents don’t have the luxury of days off to themselves. Yabvu

They are HIS children!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 how much annual leave is she taking every year? You my love are absolutely batshit!

I mean, you’ve currently got your adult son living with you full time so I’m not sure you’re really well placed to criticise the job she’s doing when your kid can’t even get a property to house his children!

You can't be serious, these are as much his kids as hers surely he wants to spend as much time as possible with them .

YABVU

25/25 days holiday for the kids, plus paying for out of school clubs is normal with young kids and working parents.

Of course Ex works part time, she does all the term time parenting and half the weekends for what you describe as high needs kids. Talking your son out of AT LEAST parenting HIS CHILDREN for half the holidays is very unreasonable.

Did you think he could split from his wife and become a single man, other than a bit of "childcare"?

I think people are being way too harsh on the dad - he is pushing to have them more, these complaints aren’t from him.

Sorry but dont bash her for working part time when she has the children for the MAJORITY of the time. Your son needs to step up. Most dads and grandparents would be chuffed to get half the time your son is getting!

Then he has to move further away! Are you really saying that it's more important he lives in whatever area he's in, than that he be A PARENT TO HIS CHILDREN?

What is going on in your head here? Why are your priorities so askew?

In 10 years time, you'll be back here telling everyone that your adult grandchildren never visit and can't be bothered to see their dad, and blaming their mother for poisoning their minds against you both... when in fact it will have been obvious to all three of them for years that neither of you wants to have them around, and they'll just be matching that level of effort.

But hes a grown man he needs to either move out or pay for childcare

I can see why your son is still living with you. You haven't raised an adult and don't have the right expectations of him.
There's no 'childcare' being requested. Your son is spending less than half the year raising his children.
You are complaining about your poor man-child having to take time off work or pay childcare for his own children and feel the need to take time off yourself to help him, it's pathetic. I can't believe there are still women around with this mindset. Do you do all his cooking and laundry too? Get him up for work in the morning? Call the doctor for him?

So you had a useless Ex and want your son to be a useless dad. Most dads now is every other weekend and a few days during the work. the best case is 50/50 but that only works if you are local to each other. would you not have liked more of a break.

You should think yourself lucky you’ve raised a man who wants to be a dad as much as he can and isn’t trying to shirk his responsibilities like your ex! Could you come to some arrangement and say you don’t mind the children coming to stay with their dad (that’s ridiculous even writing that) but so long as they don’t expect you to take annual leave

Oh yeah agreed but he’s also getting it in the neck for a lot more than that 😂

I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks

Oh boo hoo.

Never mind their mum parenting on her own 24/7 the rest of the time eh?

Well my ex doesn't have my child in the holidays but that doesn't mean that that's what's reasonable does it

Is she asking him to do childcare or to parent his children?
She has them the majority of the time so your lazy son should be pulling his finger out and doing his bit. If you don’t like having your grandchildren in your house then have him leave.
What a post!

I think I pressed YNBU by mistake!
Definitely YBvvvvU! Was quite horrified by the post.
Your DS is not babysitting his children. He has a responsibility to care for them and if you don't want to have them in your house for that length of time, he really needs to move out and stand on his own two feet.
Either way, you don't have to help and it is not for you to dictate how long you your DS has his kids.

This, in neon lights!

You have a massive DS issue if he can't parent his own kids and get a house.
You got an issue yourself thinking that parenting is childcare.
If you don't want to help him that is fair enough but he should be able to take care of his kids don't you think?
What if those kids have to come to live with him?
His ex is not asking much, your son is taking advantage of you and you are directing your annoyance to the wrong person.
Poor kids.

I thought this was a reverse. You could be my ex mil.

22 days leave out of 25 for school holidays, he’s their dad, what do you think he should be using his leave for?

Why do you need to take time off to help him with his own children?

How do you expect your ex dil to work unless they are in holiday clubs or looked after by a parent?

What would you say if your ex dil didn’t want to take most of her annual leave to look after her own children?

Does your ex dil’s mum take time off to help her own daughter?

As the children are hard work, how do you think your ex dil copes with them all of the time, or do you think she just needs to get on with it as she’s their mum?

I expect your ex dil dumped your ds for being utterly useless. I hope you get some counselling for your deep internalised misogyny.

I wonder what sort of partner your DS was if this is the attitude he was brought up with
His poor ex

So you want your son to be as shit as his dad was because if you suffered through it then why should she have it any better?

Edited as I realised I'd misread - I thought it said DP not DS. However, YABU, he needs to get his own place so that he can parent his children at least 50% of the time. I understand that this might not work for you, but it isn't about you.