Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

I know this is gonna probably get me flamed but it is just what I am used to.

ex daughter in law did the vast majority of the care when they were together and was a stay at home mum for a bit and then worked part time. Like I said I hardly got any help I just got on with his so did the other people
i knew. I guess we are quite traditional in that respect. I just didn’t expect this amount which I am now seeing I should have. I see on here so much about people saying that gp are expected of too much and do a lot of childcare so I was expecting different opinions.

My DP does way more than 50% of the parenting for our daughter during the holidays. I usually have to work about 3 days a week throughout the holidays and he looks after her for all of those days, and if I need to go to work more than that she goes to a childcare provision for a day (which we both pay for) and a day with my Mum. He loves it.

How do you know his ex-partner took any less?

If your area costs that to rent and he is only on £35k, he is low paid for the area. If his ex is managing to house herself &3 childrem on very part time pay, she has presumably moved to a cheaper area and he needs to do the same.

Your views are very dated I'm afraid. It was not a good thing that men in the past fucked off and left mothers doing all the care. Nowadays men are expected to contribute both time & money to their children no differently than when they were married. It sounds like he had three children he couldn't afford & he can't just walk away from that.

She’s not asking enough in my opinion .

Not where we have been looking. Where he would have to be, this is exactly the prices he has seen.

It’s not childcare it’s parenting.

why are you tired by it? I assume because he’s delegating his parenting to you? he should be doing it all. You absolutely should not be using your annual leave ffs.

maybe ask him to move out if you don’t like your grandchildren in your home. They are his kids and he has responsibilities he should meet- if you don’t like that he needs to be a grown up and get his own place.

can’t believe this is real. Too much childcare? What a choice of words

Are you even reading the right thread? You’re very negative on this man that you don’t know and are painting him to be some deadbeat dad. He works and he wants his children during the holidays. What exactly in your eyes is he doing wrong for you to be so harsh and negative? Or are you just like that towards men?

Then he can look somewhere else instead.

I mean how do you think she manages what your son can’t?

I see on here so much about people saying that gp are expected of too much and do a lot of childcare so I was expecting different opinions.

@burnedoutgrandma YOU shouldn't be doing the childcare though, your son should. If you're expected to do a lot when they're seeing their Dad, that's a different issue. He needs to be parenting them, not you.

@Burntt It sounds like she is doing a lot of the parenting (childcare) and that's the real issue, her son should be doing it, not her.

he needs to find local holiday clubs if needs be for while he is in work.

the lack of support you got from your ex is exactly why you should be supporting him to be the best parent he can be.

If his working hours means he hasn't got enough time to cover his share of the children's holidays, then he either needs to (a) get a new job (b) make a flexible working request to accommodate having his kids (c) use holiday clubs. Probably a mixture of a/b and c.

He doesn't get to opt out just because he has a penis 🙄.

He took 22 days out of his 25 of annual leave last year on the kids

Yes, this is normal? There are 13 weeks of school holidays and most families have both parents working. DH and I use all our annual leave with the children.

Imagine DS was your daughter, not a son. What would you expect of her in this situation?

He doesn’t drive and he lives with his mum…it’s not about being a man though, women can be that way too! “One of those” = all people

She does 80% of the travelling. I have occasionally done it. She offered to do the travelling as she moved away.

Can he not take the children away for one of the summer holiday weeks so they're not overwhelming you at home?

Too much childcare? No it’s called parenting their mum still has them the majority of the time.

The difference is she's not expecting anything from you, she's expecting it from their dad, which is entirely reasonable.

If it's too much for you then you either need to take a step back when the children are there and leave it all to him, or ask him to move out which I appreciate you say isn't possible right now.

What ex-DIL did when they were together isn’t relevant though, then they were a team and they would have agreed to what worked for their family unit. They’ve split up now, she doesn’t owe your son her time for free. He really should have thought about this when he decided to have three children.

This has to be a wind-up.

Manbaby needs to move out of Mummy's house and start looking after his own kids - and sort out arrangements with his ex-wife like an actual grownup.

OP - your son is absolutely pathetic and you're part of the reason. Cut those apron strings - although I suspect you like being his puppetmaster.

The problem is not your DS’s ex, but that single parenting is difficult.

There are about 13 weeks of school holidays and children need to be parented during that time.

As a grandparent, this is a disproportionate demand on you - but it is not out of line to expect it from your DS.

Christ on a bike, he’s their father, and I assume a grown ass man who should know how to look after his kids. Did you molly coddle him so much that the ex wife divorced him because she felt like she was raising 3 kids and a manchild? The manchild that you should have raised into a responsible adult as his actual parent. You must be so proud of your useless son. His ex does the lions share of childcare, tell your son to step up. You should have expected them to be part and parcel with him moving in. Ffs they are your grandchildren. I have very low opinions of you based on this post!

All his family?? His kids aren't and they should be most important. Stop enabling him OP and step away and leave him to it. Maybe go stay with a friend / go away on hols when the kids are there but stop being so available if you don't want to be...

Give your head a wobble. You are full of excuses.

Honestly no wonder he's such a useless Dad if you're the one teaching him.