Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Of course they damn well are! You have their father living with you, where else are they supposed to see him if he cba to make alternative arrangements?

You clearly come from another generation! Dads should have their kids 50% of the time, and it's not called CHILDCARE!

He needs to move out or find somewhere to look after them when it's his turn. Why should it fall on the mother??

We are not in the dark ages anymore. Times have moved on and he should be doing 50% in the school holidays, more really to make up for only having them a pitiful every other weekend.

yes this. Lord, it's so exhausting reading and experiencing all the free passes so many men get when they leave a relationship... or even when they stay in a relationship where mummy picks up the vast bulk of the mental and practical load to the detriment of their own careers, their own hobbies, their own sense of self their own free time.

Poor OP's son being expected to look after his own children on what amounts to the odd occasion. Bless him.

Again op times have changed. Men are having to step up more because women won’t and can’t do it all themselves and work. You thought he’d have them every other weekend and an odd day? Are your expectations that low of your son and that high of his ex? His ex has to do it all should she?? Take all the leave and pay all the clubs and take time off if the children are poorly and be up in the night and take them to appointments and and and all the rest! You need to sort your thinking out mate! You can’t blame his ex for her expecting him to do his share which, btw, he isn’t even doing

Quite, he can move away from his family (his children ARE his family anyway) and find another job if he really wants to. Most parents would walk over hot coals to be near their children.

This thread can't be real.

Me and DP use ALL of our annual leave for school holidays.

I would guess that most parents do this.

It never even occurred to us to whinge about it. Wtf?

You sound like my ex-MIL who thought her darling son was too good to change nappies or even look after his DC without another adult there.

Why should all the childcare duties fall on the woman?

It's not child care, he is their father it's called parenting. I had step siblings in the 80s. My step siblings came every weekend and half of all holidays. My mum who was their step mum made it clear to them and my stepfather that our home was their hone and they where welcome at anytime. We was and still are a happy blended family. May he take a leaf out of my mum's book.

Could he maybe move closer to his ex,as it sounds like it's a cheaper area? It's sad that he won't have as much family support but it sounds like as things stand, he won't be able to be as involved with his children as he'd like? I don't blame you btw OP, you've done your time! But on balance maybe it's better he moves out

Your son should get his own place and parent his kids equally!

You are totally out of order. His poor children.

This is extremely unreasonable - not on you as the grandparent but for him as father, he needs to be stepping up considerably. There are 13 weeks of school holiday in the year and we get just five weeks annual leave. Summer holidays are at least six weeks - two weeks is just 1/3 of that .

i understand it’s not your role as a grandparent to have to provide that but your DS needs to sort this out

Is his ex having to do all travelling? Drop offs and pick ups as well?

It is not childcare? They are his kids. She is clearly providing the bulk of their care day to day and you think he should do less?

Pretty much all of his annual leave should be spent with his children. There are 13 weeks of school holidays and most parents only get 5 or 6 weeks annual leave and have to split it between them. If your DS does not want to have them he will need to pay for holiday camps to cover his share.

If you don’t want to look after your sons children - I won’t call them your grandchildren since that relationship is clearly dead in the water - then that is up to you. But he is their father and has a moral, social and parental duty to care for them no matter how inconveniently it uses up his annual leave.

You are being completely unreasonable, you should not be interfering in how your DS parents his children.

Stop taking time off to help him parent, is ex manages to parent 12 days a fortnight and your son should be capeable of the odd week in the holidays without you holding his hand.

Why does what you did matter? Why is the fact you had a child with a deadbeat relevant to your ex DIL situation? So your ds gets out of parenting simply because he is a man? Your opinions are outdated and abhorrent. It's 'too much' for him and he's used all his annual leave? What do you think every other fucking parent is doing? Jesus Christ

What if he rented a one bed flat near you, then you could stay there during the weeks his kids are visiting (and the weekends too if that's too much). Then he's in the one bed the rest of the time and you truly have your own space then.

@Tiddlywinks63 Good question. I don't know what the typical arrangement is when one parent moves away. Are they expected to do the pickups and drop-offs as they moved out of the area, or is it normally split between the parents?

How do you think his ex copes having them 12 days out of 14? They are iff for 6 weeks in summer and she's proposing to face them double tge amount of time he has them. He could take them in holiday for a week so you get a break too.

You've completely ignored everyone's ACTUAL advice and still making excuses.

ds couldn’t with his work and the distance

Yes, he could. He isn't in an overly well paid job so he could easily pick up something in the more affordable area that his children are living in. That solves the entire problem.

It's embarrassing that you aren't pushing him to better his parenting standards.

I always thought every other weekend was normal with the occasional day here and there.

That's normal for Fathers who don't want to parent. But even most parents who do every other weekend still usually ends up with a larger chunk of holidays than the residential parents to make up for it.

Are they not his children? If they are, this actually sounds like not enough - a fair split (assuming no unique circumstances) would be 50/50.

Bullshit. You can find cheaper than that in zone 2 London.

But I assume he likes mummy washing his pants, making his dinner and looking after his kids. What a man.