Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Please tell me you’re not the one looking after the children when they stay with you? Presumably he sorts AL or uses holiday clubs if he’s not able to take time off?

why Are you babying this fully grown man? He has children, he’s just as capable of looking after them as their mum is and he doesn’t need his mammy to take time off work to help!! Cannot believe this is a real scenario?? He should have them a minimum of half the time all year round. He’s lucky to just do the school holidays tbh.

I would say half the holidays would be fairest, so all the half terms and end of term breaks and the summer holidays. He needs to step up and do the hard work - you do not, have you got friends you could go and see and let him get on with it? He needs to save his holidays and time off for when he has them and if he can't have them during the day organise some childcare in the same way his ex has to. At the moment he is doing less than the bare minimum to be honest

If your son and his ex were traditional they wouldn't be divorced!

The manbaby can't drive so presumably she is.

Mummy didn't buy him driving lessons - probably didn't want him getting all that nasty independence from her.

Jesus Christ on a bike. This can’t be real. He made these children and chose to move home. You either allow him to see his kids or tell him to move out. The poor mother!

Assuming this isn’t a reverse or a wind up…

Not the DIL fault you were a door mat and life is a lot more expensive now. In my circle of friends and acquaintances then 50/50 is very normal. Just thank your (or your sons!) lucky stars lm not the DIL as he would be doing more. They do have 3 children and he has the much better end of the deal.

You’re telling me you live somewhere more expensive than London? Yeah sure.

I agree if anything he should have the kids more. Also it should be him parenting or taking (and paying) for holiday clubs. You should not be taking annual leave to help (unless you want to). But it is hard if it is in your home and you find it difficult.

Could he take them away (camping or something) on some of his holiday contact time. And similarly, if you are planning a few days away yourself, do it to coincide with one of their times with your DS.

I'm not sure why everyone is criticisng the OP's DS here. It sounds like he wants to do more, but the OP is not allowing him to. Yes, he needs to have a place of his own, but financially, this may not be possible.

OP, you need to step back. If you genuinely want to give your DS a home, then make it his as well as yours so he can have his kids when he wants. It's none of your business how much time he takes out of his holidays to look after his children, how often he has them, or how much he has to pay to put them into clubs etc.

You don't have to do any childcare. You can shut your door and leave your DS to get on with it. If you get involved, that's your choice, but you don't get to dictate the rules. he's an adult, these are his children, these are his decisons.

Did you honestly never feel hard done by doing the majority of the child raising? I certainly have. My ex buggered off overseas to work and is bringing in a huge salary and I am the one who had to juggle everything. If one of my adult sons ever had kids and split, i’d be making sure they met their committments.

That said, I don’t blame you feeling exhausted by it. He does need to take them away for a week or at least some long weekends to give you a break. The child’s mum is doing the bulk of the child raising so he does need to do his share, but he needs to find a housing solution.

I hope your son places more value on the role of a father than you do. How are "all" his family there when his children, who should be the most important family members to him, are not there?

But this isn't about GP doing childcare. Its about the dad parenting

You have most people agreeing that YOU do too much, but nobody will agree that your DS does too much because he chose to make 3 children and now needs to raise them!

It is a very different expectation on a grandparent but you didn’t ask about grandparents, your OP specifically asked if your son was being asked to do too much “childcare” for his own children by doing odds and sods of days in the school holidays whilst his poor ex has them the rest of the time and can only work part time as a result….!

Yes but this isn’t you as a grandparent - you’re pulled in because your DS lives with you. He should be doing it all and unfortunately you’re impacted as he lives with you.

So because your own dc's dad was a waste of space and didn't/wouldn't prioritise his children that's all your ds's kids deserve? Good on him for doing better I say.

Edited. Ignore original last bit, I misread.

No, it is not too much to ask a parent to take care of their own children. Hope that helps.

Just because you don't personally know any fathers who do 50/50 doesn't mean that they don't exist. There are plenty of them.

Work is not a barrier either. Plenty of women manage to work full time and pull their weight. And if your son moved to live nearer to his children, he could probably step up too, if he wanted to.

You seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that childcare is women's work and that mothers should be the default parent. We don't live in that world any more, thankfully.

OP, it's good to see that you are willing to be open minded and consider another point of view.

I won't add to the other comments other than to say that YABVU, and your son does need to step up and parent. These children are 50% his, and he will need to fit his life and annual leave allowance around this responsibility. He should probably help more with that travel too.

We live in London and honestly I haven’t seen anything in the area he would need to be for work under 2k

This may come as a shock to you but many parents use 100% of their leave for their own children and some even take additional unpaid leave. SMDH.

Why don't you let your son find his own house? I suspect the fact you're treating him like a child and doing everything for him is the main problem here. Just let him get on with PARENTING (not babysitting or childminding) his own children without your input.

Sounds like she moved out of London and so should he. London is perfectly commutable.

His ex isn’t asking you to do childcare though. she’s expecting your DS to parent.

Let your son parent his children. You don’t need to be there all the time that he has them.

Have a bit of faith in yourself that you brought him up to be a better father than your ex was.

Why doesn’t he get a job and a home closer to his children if he can’t afford to live independently where you live?

Other than that, yes you are being unreasonable to put a stop to it. I don’t see why you have to take time off work to help though, is your son not capable of parenting on his own?