Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

So your DS isn’t even having them half the time?

I can’t believe you’re surprised at the comments op! Times have changed now where both parents need to work even if apart. Women don’t stay home much anymore because it’s not affordable. He needs to step up. He equally made his children so he equally parents them. It’s the bare minimum. THE. BARE. MINIMUM!
All your friends commenting about how much he has them?? He’s not even doing half the holidays. He used up all but 3 of his annual leave days on the kids?? Boo fucking hoo!! I use all my allowance on my children that’s life. It’s called responsibility

You mentioned that the area their Mum moved to is much more affordable. If he looked for a job there, perhaps he could afford his own place and do 50:50 instead so no more CMS. Living with you doesn't seem to make sense long term.

Totally re-edited because I misread OP's post! This is your SON's kids, not your new partner. 😬

Now I can see why it's hard for you, but you should be proud your son that he wants to step up for his kids.

I think your problem is that your expectation was set based on your own experience, whereas things have changed (for the better) and most mums rightly expect far more of dads these days. You need to have a proper discussion with your son. But there is literally no reason that his ex wife should do more parenting than your son just based on the fact that she is a woman. I take your points about rent and housing. But there is no reason that this whole arrangement needs to involve you so much. He is their dad, he can look after them. Don’t take time off work, don’t cook for them, don’t look after them for him (god knows he barely sees them he should be delighted to spend time with them). If they have to be in your house then so be it but let your son parent, expect more from him than you did from your ex, times have changed.

I think I just see things a lot differently. I just did all the childcare when my ex left. I always thought every other weekend was normal with the occasional day here and there. honestly I don’t know any father is real life who 50% and ds couldn’t with his work and the distance. I can see that I probably am wrong about the holiday. I’ll say to ds that he can tell his ex that the two weeks in summer is fine.

@ronniecharter His ex moved an hour and 20 minutes away, so my guess is that 50:50 is challenging as their schools are presumably in her area.

That's why I think he should look for a job in that area as it's also more affordable - then he could get his own place and 50:50 would be more manageable.

Re-read the OP. She's his mum not his lover.

Heaven forbid a father is asked to parent his children more than every other weekend!!
If you can't cope with them in your space, that is absolutely fine, but he needs to get an air b'n'b for those times maybe?

Right?! And he has half his weekends entirely child free, I’m guessing never has to pick up a poorly child from school, vast majority of his nights are uninterrupted by crying children. Imagine ex wife does all the school admin, buys the clothes, takes the kids back and forth to their activities. The mind boggles that anyone can think this man is doing enough.

I've just re-edited my post. Totally misread it!

His priority is learning to drive and getting a ca. The only reason not to is if he has a medical condition which means he cannot drive.

After that he needs to look for a job near to where his ex is living so they can co-parent without you interfering and saying he should be doing less. He should be doing 50%.

He has it very easy living with you, please tell me that he is doing his own washing and cooking meals. Stop infantilising him. He is a parent to 3 children. Just because you didn't have any help is all the more reason for you to support him being with his children. Help facilitate that.

How do you think every other grown up in the world manages? Is he saving up now for a deposit to rent or to learn to drive?

You know they’re his children right? It sounds like he WANTS to see them. Which he should. This is the least he should be doing. Summer holidays are 5-6 weeks so of course he should have them for at least two weeks. Unless he is asking you to prepare bedding, food or provide childcare while they’re here, I don’t see how it’s any of your business.
Why doesn’t he get his own place so that he can see his children whenever and it doesn’t affect you?

THIS

Its not childcare.

Its parenting. Parenting his own children. FFS

I'm sorry to hear your own ex was a shit dad.

It's great that, despite that, your own son wants to be a dad not a wasteman.

A house full of kids can be full on. He needs to find a way to have his own home by the sounds of it. He can't be planning on living with you forever more, surely?!

I hear your view that it would cost too much for him to live on his own near you. I absolutely guarantee there will be people living there on their own though... There's no way everyone who has a similar income there is bankrolled by their mam or their partner. And if they truly do, then he needs to move somewhere cheaper.

My own ex has our kids 40% of the time. He's doing well over 75% of school, doctor, hospital etc as he has more work flex than me. I consider this fine and a good set up. He's their dad, so he should meet THEIR needs, not fit them in around his life. He's a good dad who does everything he can. Your son just wants to be a proper dad too...

Just because you accepted the bare minimum from your ex, it does not mean your son should also do the bare minimum for his children.

Your son needs to find a solution to this, but the answer is not seeing his children less ffs

All school holidays should be split equally so how is asking for 2 weeks out of the 6 weeks school holiday too much? and there is a 4 week gap between those 1 week slots!

He should be using his annual leave to see the kids and if he cant do it then they should be in playschemes which it sounds like they are.

Its not childcare when they are his own children! Its called being a parent.

Every other weekend is also a very small amount to see his children anyway so he should be doing more in the school holidays to rectify this.

You must be able to see that "My ex was shit and all the dads I know are shit therefore my DS should be able to be shit too" is not a viable stance. It's not seeing things differently. It's objectively wrong. He's made 3 DC. They're his to raise 50:50 with the ex. Glad you're seeing sense about the holiday at least.

Are you serious, of course it’s not too much. He is their Dad, he should be willing to have them 50% times.
if it’s too much for you then fair enough, it’s not your responsibility, but then tell your son he needs to find somewhere else to live. That’s the issue here.
He used 22 out of 25 holiday days, as a parent that’s the way it should be. What do you think the ex is doing , why should it all be on her.

surely he wants to spend time with his children.

Also she's not really asking him for "childcare". She's getting him to take custoddy time to spend with his own kids. He's not babysitting or doing her a favour, he's parenting his children.

Why did you think this was normal though? And why do you think it’s fine that most dads you know don’t do 50%? It’s just the patriarchy right, it’s because you’re a woman and society is kinder to men. It needs to stop. There’s no good reason for it to be this way.

He “couldn’t with his work”

Hilarious. I work nearly full time with 2 primary aged kids. Exh does EOW. How do you think I manage?!??

What you mean of course is that “he couldn’t do it and have lots of time to himself”

He doesn’t have all of his family there at all. His most important family are living away.

Anyway it seems like you’re one of THOSE boy mothers so will not listen to anything anyone says on this thread but I have a few questions for you, I am genuinely interested in the answers.

1- why do you think he’s doing childcare and not parenting?

2- why do you think two weeks of the 6 weeks is too much time when that’s less than half of the holidays and in term time be sees them every other weekend?

3- I don’t know any father is real life who 50% and ds couldn’t with his work and the distance - what is he doing to fix this? Is he learning how to drive? Applying for jobs closer to his children so he can move there? Upskilling to get a better paid job to move out?