Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

He needs to house himself in an area he can afford. There is no 'can't'.

He chose to have multiple children, he needs to step up and actually parent them 50% of the time.

Anything less is very much a deadbeat.

Why doesn't he move nearer them if its cheaper?? He should be really picking up 50pct of the time... If they have to go to holiday clubs/he takes leave that's normal..

You shouldn't have to use leave though unless you choose to .

Exactly. Fathers like him are sickening.

Wow !!!
he is not having his children nearly enough !!!!

I think your posts are quite outrageous. Of course your DS should be doing his fair share of the parenting. That said, it’s not your job to parent them. If he has to live with you then in your shoes I’d take the opportunity to go and visit some friends, maybe take a holiday, or go on a course. It wouldn’t like you are still facilitating his life and that shouldn’t be necessary.

He's a parent. He has a responsibility to his child. That means he has to do what he needs to do to be able to meet that responsibility, the same as most parents do! And if he doesn't, then he IS a deadbeat dad.

So how was he managing before & how does his ex manage?

I can 'get' that it's too much for you. I wouldn't want to do childcare for 3 children at my age either. BUT, they aren't your children and it shouldn't be too much for your son. And it's none of your business how your son and his ex decide to divide the children's time between them.

They are his kids and he needs to step up and care for them. And you need to back away and let him do it, by himself. Don't take time off work, that's his responsibility. And when they're there in your non-work time refer them to their dad if they need something and do 'childcare' only to a level you're comfortable with. And don't tell me he 'can't' care for his kids. He's apparently a fully capable adult male, he IS able to care for them on his own. Didn't he do that at times before they split? If he allowed his ex to be 'do it all Debbie' then he needs to realize that those days are gone.

I get the issue with him living in your house. You say he can't afford to move out and I accept that. I'm in the US so not familiar with UK benefits, but could he apply for a council house or housing benefit? If his is wage so low can he get any kind of 'top up'? If his ex would agree to him getting the child benefit for one child would that be enough to get a small flat?

I realize you're in a tough place and not of your own making. But you can make the best of it and not be a martyr. Let your son accept his responsibilities. He apparently wants his children with him, so he needs to do the work to have them there.

His ex is not asking for too much.

your DS is taking the piss with what he is asking of you.

Sounds like the kids are with him 2 days out of 14. Good Dads aim for 50:50

The least he could do is cover 50:50 in the school holidays. If he can’t have them physically, at least pay his share of holiday club costs for those days (book them too so burdens not on primary parent). The CMS on his wage will likely not cover anywhere near the cost of raising 3 children, wraparound care and all the other associated costs of having kids. Therefore he really does need to step up at the minimum during holidays

So many men leave most of the parenting to their wives/ partners but it doesn't mean he gets to replace his wife with you Op. The DC are his responsability and he needs to work on making his own home for them.

It's not your job to take time off work and take care of the kids. He chose to have THREE children, he needs to parent them.

The fact his father was useless should be the reason he does better.

Totally normal for a parent to use annual leave to be with children. There were 20 years of my life where there was only the very occasional day I took leave for something that didn't involve children. Does your son actively parent the children when they're with him? Or does he just dump them on you, or expect you to provide meals, etc? If it's too much for you, he needs to move out, whatever challenges that brings.

This is a reverse right? He should parent his own children 50% of the time. Thats actually the majority of the holidays because he doesn’t ever having them during the week when they’re at school. Yes it used up his annual leave. That’s what you do as a parent, both me and DH use all our annual leave to look after our children.

It’s not remotely excessive. He’s their dad!!!

It seems to me that your real issue is how much YOU are expected to do when DS is meant to be parenting his children.

Is there anywhere you could stay for when it all gets too much?

You haven’t really engaged with the responses.

Your son is parenting not childcare for his children and 50/50 is pretty much the default assumption these days so it really should be much more that this ex is suggesting.

You must be relieved she is being so decent about taking them far more than her fair share.

OP, it's completely normal for parents to spend their annual leave with their children! Why do you think children are primarily their mother's responsibility?

Mummy’s little soldier shouldn’t have to use his holiday to babysit his own children—he should be using it all on his hobbies (apart from the odd day or two to babysit them).

It’s a luxury for him to be able to say he ‘can’t’ and make it his ex’s problem. If your son doesn’t look after his children, who do you suppose does? They’re his responsibility. That’s how it goes when you have children, Count yourself lucky he doesn’t have a 50:50 arrangement.

He's a parent. It's not childcare, it's parenting.

Why is it "a lot on him to have them for big chunks", but not similarly a lot for their mother to have them for big chunks, as she does pretty much all the time??

50% of school holidays would be a lot more than she's asking for:
3x 1 week half terms
~2-2.5 weeks each at Christmas and Easter
6 weeks summer holiday
So total non-school time is 13-14 weeks.

Therefore your DS should have his children at least 6.5-7 weeks per year in the holidays (and in fairness it ought to be more than that as their mum has them more during term time).

And yes, that means he takes time off work or arranges childcare/holiday clubs etc for them on his time.

From what you posted, he has them a max ~5 weeks. YABVU.

Totally fair that it's too much for you (although there's no need for you to take time off work, it's not your problem), but no, their mum is being more than reasonable in what she's asking and he ought to be stepping up more. And if he can't afford it, he ought to be looking into lifestyle or work changes so that he can.

He’s not doing childcare, he’s being a parent 🙄

Not the best wage to be fair. He needs to try and get a better job.

4 days over a 2 week Easter holiday is too much. Hmm...

OP, can you go and stay with a friend some of the time that your DGCs are staying?

Because he's their father. Most parents spend their annual leave with their children you know...........