To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

No I wouldn’t report him. He’s apologised, there is absolutely no harm caused, if you want to then tell him to not message again and move on.

I can’t believe you’d do that. It’s honestly so low. You’d lie to get him in even more trouble, you don’t think he’s going to tell them you offered and his message backs him up.

What?! OP never said that! What he thought she meant is irrelevant!

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HR get frustrated when they are called on to resolve issues that grown-ups can resolve for themselves. This is a small thing. It's absurd to involve HR. It makes women look weak.

Why? Why would you do that and not give the whole story?

If the OP was not part of the OnlyFans convo then obviously report. But for me the waters are muddy and OP would have to tell the truth about the original conversation.

He knows he made a mistake and apologised and perhaps EVERYONE who was a part of that conversation should think twice next time.

“I wouldn’t need to relay that detail though - nothing was documented in terms of that conversation. I would frame it as an unsolicited message looking to exchange money for sexual favours. Which is documented.”

So you’d lie? Wow that’s a bit much. That’s someone’s life you’re fucking with.

It's a hard one. My policy is only get someone fired if you think they have inflicted a similar level of distress on you. It's gross. If it were me I would show everyone the text and make fun of him rather than going to HR. It's totally your call.

Oh, for goodness sake! 🙄 This is the reason some women won't report things, and shit continues and men think they can say and do what they like!

Woman being made to feel they are 'silly' and making a big thing out of 'nothing!'

I despair for humanity reading some of these comments I really do!

I’ve never offered to buy underwear but I’m sure Ive said equally inappropriate things in the past when I've been pissed, and have had many inappropriate things said to me. But Ive always been grown up enough to deal with things like this myself

The conversation was inappropriate to begin with, someone else could complain about you / your colleagues and say they were offended. It was a work night out, he’s young and stupid. I wouldn’t report it personally as I’d rather die than admit I was talking about selling my dirty pants. 😆

It’s very strange.

Today I’ve read this one, the cousin shagger thread and the husband shagging trans women men thread.

Happy Tuesday everyone.

Goodness me. If you did that, it would look as though the message had come out of the blue, which is not true, is it? Immoral. I'm glad you're not acolleague of mine.

I can’t believe you’re talking about reporting him and not giving the full context. You do know it will come out when they interview him, and then they’ll drag the other colleagues in to corroborate.

If you want to report him, go ahead - but you need to give the context. Personally I think you should accept his apology and make it clear it’s unacceptable and unwanted. Any further sexual messages will be reported.

Im going to hazard a guess the person you hoped would respond to your comments wasn’t this guy but another colleague…

Maybe she shouldn't have had the OnlyFans conversation in the pub with him then.

It wasn't just a message out of nowhere.

So, you treat other people like a cunt then?

I would be ridiculous to report this to HR imo. The OP encouraged it by talking about Onlyfans and bringing up the subject of selling her used underwear.

I wouldn’t be discussing selling underwear with my colleagues anyways. You all agreed it was acceptable?

And this chap is really out of order. I would block him.

By not providing any context about the night out and the conversation about selling used underwear, your colleague's behaviour would look much worse. If he was interviewed and he provided details of that conversation as mitigation, would you lie about it if asked because, as you have said, that conversation wasn't documented?

The more you write about this, the more unreasonable you sound. You literally discussed selling your used underwear in front of a much younger colleague. That's you sitting in a group of colleagues inviting them to think about the state of your worn underwear. Then you plan to pretend he randomly messaged you asking to buy some. Unreal.

But the event was at the pub. No one invited the colleague to dm. "Sent as a dare" is a lie.
The colleague crossed the line using alcohol as an excuse. He's immatureC unprofessional and a creep. The message needs to be reported. Outings by colleagues are considered an extension of the workplace. You are never completely "off."

This! Absolutely report.

He is a young lad who made a silly and drunken error.... Oh how many women must have heard it from a jury and a judge during a rape hearing. It's honestly shocking how many women on here (assuming they are women) are so quick to pull out "boys will be boys"