To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money.

You've said, albeit drunkenly, you would be happy to sell your underwear on OF.

Now someone has offered to buy it. He might have been drunk at the time he texted too, especially since he was on holiday.

It's your choice whether to report it but I don't think you come out of this looking great - if his text is inappropriate then so was the original conversation - in future don't have conversations drunk that you're not happy to have sober.

If you work in a company with a HR department and you report this there will be an investigation. All the people party to the original conversation will be interviewed by HR. It will reflect incredibly badly on those present as well as the individual you would be complaining about. His conduct is not the only unprofessional conduct in this scenario. Yes he’s taken it too far (probably through drink) but I suspect there will be wider consequences than just him being reprimanded.

It's about proportion. No way would it cross my mind to add to HR's workload over a matter like this, which is not nothing. The comment is not nothing. The man who sent it needs to be spoken to, but by the OP. When a senior colleague suggested to me on front of a room full of other colleagues in the middle of me giving a presentation that I was sleeping with a colleague not in the room, I thought about it over the weekend then went to HR for advice, which I received and acted on. However, we are all capable of saying 'That comment was out of order. Don't make comments of a sexual nature to me ever again.'

He took it too far, but what he took too far was an inappropriate conversation that all of you were having. He has then rowed back, obviously knowing it was out of order now the drinks have worn off. If you want to find yourself recounting all the things you and everyone else said (which will sound so much worse in a sober serious meeting context) then report away.

Just a quick Google, but the info can be further researched.

So you would be happy for the OP to lie and deny the previous conversation about selling her used underwear?

how can it be classed as a sexual favour, when its buying an item of clothing ?

He apologised. As long as this is a first offence and not part of a pattern of behaviour, accept the (unasked for) apology as a one off incident on the understanding it never happens again.

I wouldn't report it. If you're having a joke with colleagues about selling underwear it seems hypercritical to report a young colleague for sending a jokey message about it.

Right. She didn't invite a direct, personal and private message.

Unfortunately I think you are probably right.

Well then dont talk about it at work 🤷🏼‍♀️

He might have mates who work at the same place.

She might have done - we don't know.

By definition, sexual harassment has to be unwanted sexual behaviour - the question is whether a reasonable person would have believed the behaviour was wanted or not. We don't know exactly what she said but at the very least OP has blurred that line by chatting to colleagues about how far she'd go on OnlyFans, and she'd be completely unreasonable to misrepresent that to her HR department.

No but she has stated she will lie and say it was a message out of the blue.

And if you are adamant work outings are an extension of work then the conversation about selling used underwear should be stated if she reports him.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, once only.

So you'd happily report it without giving the context, in order to make it appear that you didn't participate in a conversation about selling underwear beforehand? You are a disgrace to all those women who genuinely are propositioned with unsolicited harassment and should be ashamed of yourself.

Maybe when you were talking about selling on only fans counts.

I agree though I doubt there will be, but just in case.

Don't report him, first offence and he's obviously embarrassed by it.

Honestly, I’d just block him on social media.

Sounds like you got talked into protecting your colleague's reputation and career, actually.

So you'd lie by omission then?

If the message started with “if you were serious”, then you would need to say something about the original conversation, no?

I'm not sure it makes sense to report it to HR when all of you initiated an inappropriate conversation to begin with. Either you're the kind of workmates that goes out and engages in banter about selling underwear, or you're not.

So if he'd mentioned it in person, when the group of you were talking about these things would that have been ok? Because it was not documented?