To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

thank you for answering

Talking about whether you'd 'go all the way' on OF isn't a sexualised conversation? Come on!

This is crackers. What would the HR complaint interview be like?

I'd like to report a sexually harassing message, please. Colleague texted me offering to buy my underwear.

What? That's extreme. Out of nowhere?

Well no, we had been talking about it the week previously. We were drunk and laughing about it and I said I'd be up for selling my underwear.

Right, ok, so the message followed that conversation? And has anything else happened?

Yes, he then messaged me again to make clear it wasn't acceptable and he apologised.

I see.......

OP what exactly do you hope to achieve from this complaint?

Nice. So you’d thoroughly throw him under the bus. The back story is the banter you willingly engaged in. He’s apologised. Realised either he took it too far/ was pissed and sent it being a dick/ or taking his chances cos he likes you or his friend did actually send it, but you’ll happily get him the sack. I hate sleezy men but I’m not sure he’s in this category. Tell him he took it too far and block him. Why bother hr. Do you feel intimated/ scared? If so fair enough. But reading your post doesn’t seem that you are

That would be spectacularly foololish given there would be witnesses to the contrary.

I wouldnt report personally but id support anyone reporting if it happened to them. I would be telling him via email to keep comms just about work from now on though.

Get the bastard sacked, obvs 😃

Wow! You're lower than a snake's belly.

I think once reported HR will be looking for context to ensure they had the full story and the after work discussion about OF and selling your undies would come out (after everyone else is asked for their recollection). Remember HR will talk to everyone, not just you.

The OF conversation may not be documented but, unless it was just you two having the conversation (you said there were several), there are other witnesses\participants who may well confirm that happened.

If he’s apologised and there aren’t other incidents, I’d be inclined to leave it at that. It’s also going to open a massive can of worms about the discussion that led to this too.

Well this is a weird mindset.

Talking about whether you'd do something is a discussion as old as time at the pub. Would you ....x than y

It's not an invitation to unleash pervy thoughts.

This is creepy ...so you can't mention bodies? Say you're going to the toilet in case people imagine you there?

Creepy obsessional stuff on display here.

Maybe this young adults could...just get a hold of himself (phwaor) and keep his kinks to himself???

This whole situation is inappropriate in a work context - both the conversations about OF and his message.

In the interests of not being spoken to myself, I'd just ignore and block, and from then on out be more careful about conversations with colleagues.

I think it’s one thing to have a conversation about this but another thing to get an unsolicited text. So I’d think about reporting him. Not sure if I would do.

No ...and your considering it an invitation is really suspect

It was a work night out. I do agree the conversation was a bit inappropriate though.

I second this.

Dont be so spiteful, just ignore and block him !

Wow that’s awful. such a double standard.

"I would frame it as an unsolicited message looking to exchange money for sexual favours. Which is documented."

Then you'd be lying. Without context, it would appear to be blatant sexual harassment. But YOU and HE and YOUR other colleagues were having a drunken, inappropriate conversation about underwear and Only Fans. The other colleagues can verify that and hopefully will.

The very thought of reporting him is hostile, vindictive, deceitful and sly. He'll carry the accusation throughout his career- it may ruin his future and you obviously know that. The fact that the only part you'll report is what's documented screams that you want a settlement from the company and to ruin him.

Yes, he made a huge mistake by asking, but there was no vulgar or nasty language and no hint of coercion or threat. It wasn't out-of-nowhere and wouldn't have happened without the Only Fans discussion. ALL of you opened the door with that conversation. He apologized. That should be the end of it.

I hate that the media picks up and uses Mumsnet threads. But this one is exactly why they do it!

He’s probably trying his luck - people still often meet their partners at work! I wouldn’t report him for this, but set a clear boundary if you’re not interested and keep an eye on it. If he carries on obviously consider reporting.

I third - sensible advice.

You sound delightful OP.....
You're happy to report a colleague to HR for sending a stupid and childish message when drunk because its in writing, yet you'll happily deny the inappropriate conversations about OnlyFans that you were engaging earlier in the evening because nobody can prove you ever said it?!
Lets.... hope someone had their phone on record and is on the fence about reporting you and see how you like it once the tables are turned!

It's the meanest thing I have ever read on MN. Proper mean girl thinking.

Wow I was not expecting so many people to brush this off! This is the same Mumsnet that hates porn right? This man is the example of the porn-brained man. A joke conversation between a group of tipsy collegues is NOT an invitation to solicit sex work from a collegue! If you want to report, do it, this little man needs to learn how to behave in civilised society. If you don't want to report, send him a message explaining that it was completely inappropriate and one more contact from him outside of work and you will report him to the Police for sexual harrasment.

this. I agree its a sleazy text but you started it and even agreed that you'd do it. Accept the apology, block the bloke, move on and be more careful about your conversations in future.

Does he have a mentor / line manager / union rep - somebody who can have a conversation with him about why that's not appropriate and also how foolish it is to write it down. Self preservation is important.

There's a difference between slightly out there conversations as an in person group of colleagues and trying to continue that theme in a private conversation with one person.

It's not wrong to report it to HR - maybe he does this kind of thing a lot and you'd be adding one more report. But make it too official and the outcome could be out of your control.